The TMI Spot

The Lost Month

2011-10-30T19:26:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, 2011 has not been a kind year. We had many losses, chief among them my father-in-law, Dan. Dan, was diagnosed with cancer around January of this year. He passed away on June 30th, not even six months after his diagnosis.

During his illness, we drove down to help out as much as we could. My husband would spend a week and telecommute while I held down things at home. Sometimes I would spend a week while he was at home. We rotated the majority of our visits.

The service was in mid-July. We wanted time to arrange something nice. The weekend after the service was our daughter's wedding. Life didn't start approaching what I would call a normal schedule until the beginning of August. That was when we started preparing the kids for the new school year.

August was flying by pretty fast. I had started trying to eat mostly gluten-free and vegan. I was also getting ready for my very first 5K. I felt great! Then around the end of August, I started having trouble breathing. It was only around bed time and I knew it was anxiety.

I have dealt with anxiety before. It generally lasts about a week. I re-filled my Ativan but they didn't work. So I went to the doctor. She gave me a prescription for generic Zoloft and Klonipin. The Klonipin wasn't working and my breathlessness now lasted all day long. The Zoloft, after about five days, turned me into an angry, raging, and still non-breathing monster. I discontinued the Zoloft.

Not being able to breathe was literally the only thing I could focus on. I would get up in the morning wondering if maybe today would be the day I was able to breathe. Within a few hours or sooner, it became apparent it was going to become another day of feeling like I was gasping for breath.

Driving was a nightmare. I was sure when I was driving through a parking lot, somebody was going to back into me. When I was driving on the freeway, I knew somebody was going to pull into my lane. My depth perception felt skewed. Unless I absolutely had to go somewhere, I didn't drive.

We were also planning a vacation at the end of September. Since we hadn't vacationed during the summer, we needed the break. I was looking forward to getting away and hopefully relaxing.

My mind wouldn't stop racing. I had so many things to do. I was losing hours. I would look at the clock and it would be 8:30 am. I would look up a bit later and it would be 11:00 am. A simple trip to the grocery store seemed to take hours. The only thing racing seemed to be my thoughts. My body certainly wasn't getting anything done! I knew what chores I needed to do but the information wasn't traveling from my brain to my body. Not only were important things going undone, I was suffering from a bad case of CRS. (can't remember $hit) I mixed up our vacation days and did the paperwork for a week's worth of independent study for my daughter. Then I had to apologize to the school because I had given them the wrong dates.

My mother-in-law came up early and helped me get ready for Tahoe. This is a good thing since I couldn't get anything done. The only thing I seemed capable of doing was searching the internet for ways to breathe, none of which worked, and talking out loud to myself A LOT.

I hoped to be able to breathe by our vacation. I didn't get my wish. Things got worse. The doctor prescribed Xanax the day before we left. I also was told to make an appointment with a counselor who takes my insurance. She couldn't get me in until October, which is pretty common with an HMO.

The vacation was okay, but the Xanax didn't work either. One morning I desperately took a whole day's dose, hoping to get some relief. It didn't work but I did have a very long nap later. My husband and I argued more than a few times, mostly because I would forget conversations we had. In fact, I had conversations with friends during that month that I can't remember.

After we came home, things became worse. I know it's not politically correct to say this, but I went nuts. I was manic. My arms were twitching. I couldn't sit still. I had insomnia. Our bed felt like a stone slab. One day my car battery was dead and I needed to borrow my husband's Jeep to go to the store. It is a stick shift. I forgot how to back it out of the garage. I was petrified to try to back it out of the garage. I was convinced I would hit something.

My doctor had called in a Paxil prescription. The generic makes me depressed so I needed to pick up the name brand. The pharmacy didn't have any in stock so I purchased an herb called 5-HTP. I started on that, some B-complex, and some vitamin D. Within five days, I was starting to feel a bit better - still off but better.

I started receiving acupuncture from a friend. I still am. It is helping a lot.

My therapist suggested something called tapping. It helps sometimes.

It is still hard to visit with friends. I always second guess myself after the conversation and wonder if I said something offensive. Perhaps I am saying offensive stuff. I go between being Eeyore-like about the economy to flat out angry and wanting to throw politicians off cliffs.

I am definitely depressed. The breathing issue comes and goes. Slowly, I am digging out and things will get better. I know they will. However, I'm not sure I will be myself for a few more months, maybe longer. I don't like myself very much. Here is hoping my friends and family aren't feeling the same. Here is hoping they are willing to bear with me, and here is to feeling like myself again soon.

Ode to My Porch Couch

2011-08-26T07:59:00.000-07:00

I have a couch on my porch and yes I am aware of the fact it gives me instant redneck status. Originally I was going to put the couch in my house but it has become my outside refuge.

My friend gave me the couch. She mentioned she had put her old couch on a yard sale and I mentioned that I would have purchased it since our couches are ratty. She said if it didn't sell that day it was mine. That is how the couch came into my life. Have I ever mentioned I have really awesome friends?

I couldn't remember what the couch looked like due to my less than keen observational skills. The husband and I went and picked it up on a Sunday. It is a gray, older couch, with a few small tears and a faded cushion. Considering its age, it is obvious it has been well taken care of. It isn't a raving beauty but our couches at home are no beauty queens either so it I knew it would be in fine company. We loaded it up and took it home. Then we unloaded it as far as the porch. My husband said it didn't match our love seat so he was hesitant to replace our old couch with it. That was fine with me as I could still have it in the catch all room - more on the catch all room later.

Miss Kitty immediately gravitated to the couch. Her eyes lit up. "For me?" her little face asked. Unfortunately Miss Kitty passed away the next day but I know she thought we brought home that couch JUST FOR HER. In any case, she had claimed it.

I cleared a space in our catch all room for the couch. The catch all room is a room next to my kitchen that most people might use for a dining room or second living room. But we are full to the rafters. So the catch all room contains my computer and desk, my treadmill, an armoire, filing cabinets, a monstrous, teetering pile of home school stuff, and other various crap I can't manage to cram in our overflowing closets. Sounds lovely, huh? Anyway I cleared a spot for the couch but before we got around to moving it in the house, the clutter had encroached on my spot. The clutter has babies, people! Some day I'm setting up a hidden camera to prove my theory!

Our summer went by quickly while the couch waited patiently on the porch. At the end of summer, I finally had my husband turn it around since it was facing the wrong way. I draped it with a sheet and sat on it and Oh My! It was so comfortable it was like being cuddled in your mama's arms. All those suckers who had walked by it at the garage sale had no idea what they were passing up! There I was on a soft couch, looking out at our beautiful view. It was quiet and peaceful and amazing. The couch had been waiting all this time to show me what I was missing out on.

Our house has been full to the brim for a while with kids, cats and clutter. With the exception of the clutter, I enjoy it most of the time. But sometimes I want to get away from the noise just for a little bit. The solution to that had literally fallen in my lap. Actually I had fallen on its lap.

Now the couch is my place of serenity. I will take out a book and some tea and if the kids come out, I might let them stay or I might tell them I need to be alone in my peaceful place. I love my kids and do a lot for them so sometimes it is nice to be a bit selfish and take the time to recharge. Then I can put my cape back on, okay it's really an apron, and go back to work.

So yes I adore my old, sheet-draped couch on my front porch. Come on by and sit on it and I think you would too.

The Ugly Duckling or Life Is Easier When You're Pretty

2011-03-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

We have been on our homeschooling journey for approximately eight months now. I had no idea of all the different skills we are expected to teach our children. It isn't enough to know how to read. Now our little second graders have to ANALYZE what they read. Analyzing books is a subject I struggle with myself. I want books to entertain me, to sweep me along on grand adventures, to make me forget the sink of dirty dishes. I certainly don't want to think - the horror!

One day while we were in the middle of an analyzing lesson, I decided to read "The Ugly Duckling". When I finished the story, I asked my son what lesson the author was trying to convey. He said, "I don't know." Damned if I didn't know either. Was Hans Christian Anderson trying to say life is easier when you're pretty?

Well of course he wasn't, but I still had to consult my dear friend Google to understand the message he was trying to convey, which I believe is don't judge a book by its cover or something like that. But how fun would it be to write several alternate endings to "The Ugly Duckling" each sending a different message? At this point many of you are questioning my idea of "fun." That's okay. I'm a dork.

Ending Number One - Revenge Is Oh So Sweet

The Ugly Duckling couldn't believe what had come in his mailbox. It was an invitation to his tenth high school reunion. Ugly had been teased mercilessly in high school due to his looks. The result of all that teasing was he kept his head down and his nose in the textbooks. He graduated with honors from college. After college, he founded a dating website called Hatch.com and now he was filthy rich. He was, however, still ugly. But it didn't matter because he was rich. (Just ask Jack Nicholson. It works for him.)

Ugly purchased an expensive, custom-fitted suit for the reunion. He debated driving one of his many, expensive cars to the reunion but finally opted for a chauffeur. When he arrived, he was immediately surrounded by former classmates.

One classmate in particular, he remembered. Her name was Chickie and she had been one of his most vicious tormentors, a popular cheerleader who had made kissing noises and then laughed uproariously every time he walked by. Tonight she was hanging on his every word.

He finally got Chickie alone on the dance floor. He told her he had always thought she was beautiful and that she hadn't changed a bit. He gave her his private number and told her not to share it with anyone, but to give him a call after the reunion.

The next day, Chickie eagerly dialed Ugly's number. Her call went straight to voice mail. The message stated "You have reached the reject hot line. Whoever gave you this number is clearly not interested. Sorry, and have a great day."

Ending Number Two - Selling False Hope

Ugly could hardly believe it when he looked in the water one spring and he was beautiful. In fact, he was the most beautiful swan of them all. Many of the animals came up to him and begged him for his secret. When he said there was no secret, they accused him of lying. This gave him a brilliant idea.

Ugly mixed up a bunch of different pond ingredients, added some spring water and a small bit of his own poop. Then he purchased some air time and put on his own infomercial complete with before and after pictures of himself.

Thousands of animals purchased his secret face cream, each one hoping to find the kind of beauty he had attained.

Ugly made millions. Eventually it was discovered one of his ingredients was poop but he had already fled to another country that refused to extradite him.

Lesson Three - Make them your bitches

Ugly could hardly believe how much he had changed. He was the most gorgeous swan of them all. Every animal who had ever made fun of him was now falling over themselves to kiss his ass.

Ugly pretended to make friends with all of them. Then he started silly fashion trends just for fun. One Monday he tied a red ribbon to his tail. By Tuesday half the farmyard had red ribbons tied to their tails but he had already moved on to wearing a straw hat. "Red ribbons are SO yesterday," he proclaimed.

By Wednesday, all the other animals had straw hats. But Ugly was wearing a tie. "Straw hats are SO yesterday," he sneered.

Ugly made a great game of driving all the animals insane in their efforts to imitate him. It was great fun and small payback for how miserable they had made him. Every night for the rest of his life, he laughed in his sleep.

The End

Queen of the Road

2010-11-07T08:51:00.001-08:00

Warning: This post may resemble a Sunday drive; meandering on with no set destination.

Back when I was young, most of my friends had the urge to learn to drive long before I did. Once it finally occurred to me that driving represented ~~getting the hell out of the house~~ freedom, I got on board with everyone else.

This was back in the ~~stone age~~ eighties when driver's ed was taught in high school. I also remember taking a summer class in some portable trailers where we watched a computer screen and steered a wheel to simulate real driving. Most likely the instructor for that class went home and prayed when he realized he was going to be in a car with me behind the wheel.

I passed the written exam at the DMV with no problem. Then I received my learner's permit. Then came the best part. My mother had the "pleasure" of teaching me to drive. With my apologies to my mother, I can't think of anyone less suited to the job title of driving instructor. I scared the crap out of her and she couldn't hide it. She made me nervous as hell and I couldn't hide it. It would be time to turn and I would hear "GO, wait STOP, now GO, EEEEEEEK STOP!" She also hit the invisible brake a lot. (I knew when it was time to teach my daughter to drive, I would be the same way so I handed the driving instructor reins over to my husband.)

I was the typical teen driver, maybe even worse. I backed over the mailbox once. To this day, I hate backing up. Yes Virginia, depth perception does exist. Unfortunately it was handed over to the boys.

It took three tries to pass my driving test. My "friend" L laughed at me behind my back. Never mind that it had taken her three times to pass the written test. Finally, I passed the driving test. The instructor told me I had barely passed. I'm sure I was thinking, "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just hand over the license and get the hell out of my way!" Did I mention yet what a charming teen I was?

Of course true independence didn't come yet. I didn't own a car so I still had to have my mother drop me off at school or, even worse, ride the bus.

Some of my friends had cars and they would very occasionally drive ten miles out of their way to pick me up. Those were the days when every seat was packed with a kid and we could all pitch in a buck or two for gas money and get the tank filled.

I borrowed my mother's Toyota Corolla on weekends. It was a little box car with no power steering, definitely not a "cool" car. There was a bumper sticker on the back stating, "I brake for bingo." Lord, how I despised that bumper sticker instead of actually being GRATEFUL for the fact she was letting me use her car.

My friends and I would cruise on Olive Ave in Porterville, CA, which was actually kind of boring but we were happy to be hanging out. We never found as much trouble as we were looking for which was a good thing. Because I did have a habit of finding plenty of trouble.

I finally purchased a used Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme toward the end of my senior year. It was a granny car but I didn't care. I had wheels. I'm sure my mother was alternately glad to get her car back and scared to think I was going to be loose on the roads.

I drove way too fast but somehow lucked out and never got in an accident. For all I know there was a string of them behind me in the rear view mirror. I was overly confident and didn't realize what a horribly scary driver I was.

At some point in life, driving became a way to get from point A to point B. I no longer enjoy driving. In fact, I pretty much hate it.

Were people always so rude and I never noticed? Or was I too busy being rude myself? That is a distinct possibility.

I see people tailgating all the time. I have seen a person tailgating a school bus. I have seen a person tailgating a man on a motorcycle. People pull out to cut you off and then drive slow. People park in the way when dropping off the kids at school. People drive five miles below the speed limit in the left lane. People swerve back and forth happily talking on their cell phones. Gah, it's enough to make me go mad. And damn I sound like an old lady!

And please don't think I'm saying I'm a perfect driver. I'm not. I do attempt to be as courteous as possible, but I do make mistakes, and I do get really, really irritated with people sometimes and scream in the privacy of my car.

Maybe karma is coming back to bit me in the butt.

How I wish I had a chauffeur to take me everywhere so I could sit in the back and read. Wouldn't that be the life?

It will be six more years before we have another kid in need of driver's training. That seems pretty far away but I know how fast time can go. All I can say is, her Dad is teaching her to drive.

Please feel free to share your driving memories. I would love to hear them.

The Final Choice

2010-11-01T08:06:00.001-07:00

I mentioned in my prior post the fact that I had the chance to review "Gluten-Free Girl and the Chef" and I promised to share the recipe I chose.

It wasn't easy to choose just one recipe. There was a cracker recipe I was interested in. I am beyond tired of paying almost six dollars for a four-ounce package of gluten-free crackers.

The cracker recipe contains cornmeal for sprinkling on the pan. Shauna mentioned that not all cornmeal is gluten-free due to manufacturing practices. I immediately checked my bag of cornmeal and read the dreaded words "contains flour." Ugh. I've been cooking with that cornmeal for a while now. While I will probably cook the crackers next, they were not the recipe I chose.

I then eyeballed the recipe for millet tabouleh. My husband loves tabouleh. I made it for him once about twelve years ago, but it didn't come out right. So I was eager to try Shauna's recipe. But I didn't pick that one either.

The recipe I finally tried was pork paprika. My reason for choosing this dish was I wanted to cook something the whole family could enjoy. The recipe itself was for veal paprika but the directions said it was okay to use pork. Pork butt was on sale for ninety-seven cents a pound that week. I only had to buy fourteen pounds to get that deal! Have I mentioned how grateful I am for my freezer?

The recipe called for pork, kosher salt, pepper, EVOO, onion, carrot, celery, garlic, smoked or sweet paprika, Piment d'Espelette (optional), dry white wine, chicken or veal stock, mushrooms, sour cream and chives (optional).

Shauna recommended making your own stock. I haven't done this in a while because I have been sacrificing flavor for convenience. Homemade stock really is better. I usually use carrots, chicken, onion and salt in my broth. If I have celery I add it also. But I added fresh rosemary from my friend Lhia's garden this time. It added a complex and delicious flavor my stock had never had before. It was the best stock I had ever made.

My prior rosemary experience was not good. A friend had made mashed potatoes with rosemary in them and they were disgusting. So I had sworn off rosemary, assuming it was a vile spice. However, rosemary was mentioned a lot in this cookbook so I decided to give it one more try. I'm so grateful I did. Rosemary rocks as long as it isn't in potatoes! Thank you, Lhia!

I had a few missteps with the recipe. The first misstep was when I made my stock. I used my soup pot to make it. It cooked for two hours and I was left with two cups of stock. I needed a quart. So I started another batch and made two more cups.

However, my daughter was coming down with a cold and I thought some chicken stock would be just the thing. She loved it, but then I needed more stock. Finally the light bulb in my brain came on and I hauled the STOCK POT out of the dusty cupboard it had been relegated to. Amazing thing, that stock pot.

After I had my stock, I could start my recipe. Hooray!

I seasoned and seared the meat and removed it from the pan. I sauteed my vegetables, except for the mushrooms and green onions. Then I added the paprika. I used sweet paprika, not smoked, and I left out the Piment d'Espelette.

Then I poured in the wine, scraped the yummy goodness from the bottom of the pan and cooked until the wine was reduced by half.

Next the stock went in the pan. I heated it to a boil and added my meat. Then I simmered the stew until the meat was fork-tender, about two hours.

But it wasn't done yet. After the meat was tender, I threw out the vegetables and set the meat and liquid aside. Then I sauteed the mushrooms, more carrot, onion and garlic for about ten minutes, added the liquid back to the pot and brought it back to a boil. I was supposed to simmer it for another fifteen minutes to reduce it more, but I had been smelling the stock all day and I was too impatient to wait anymore! I know, it was only fifteen more minutes, but I was HUNGRY from those good smells all day.

Rather than whisking in the (tofutti) sour cream, we each put an individual dollop in our bowls with chopped chives sprinkled on top. We served it over mashed potatoes.

The pork paprika was delicious, easily one of the best meals I have ever cooked. My husband commented on the fact he could taste how it had cooked all day, melding all the flavors together. I am excited to see if all the recipes taste this good. I will absolutely be making this dish again and I promise to let it finish the last fifteen minutes of cooking even if my husband has to restrain me with duct tape.

I recommend this cookbook if you are a foodie, gluten-free or not. If you had a dinner party, these are the recipes that would wow your friends. The only problem with a dinner party would be having to share. Thanks for reading!

Gluten-Free Girl and the Chef - A Preliminary Review

2010-10-25T12:40:00.001-07:00

I was recently offered the chance to review a gluten-free cookbook and I jumped at it. The majority of the meals I cook are gluten-free and I have a serious cookbook addiction. So I was very excited to get the chance to review Gluten-Free Girl and the Chef.

Normally I wouldn’t review a cookbook prior to trying the recipes but Gluten-Free Girl and the Chef isn’t solely a cookbook. It is also a love story. Since food and love go hand and hand, at least in my opinion, a love story within a cookbook makes perfect sense.

Gluten-Free Girl’s name is Shauna James Ahern and her chef, and husband, is Daniel Ahern. They met through a dating service just when Shauna had ever given up hope of meeting “the one.”

Shauna tells of their first meeting and how they clicked. She tells the tale of a most interesting proposal and she talks of how she and Daniel shop and cook together.

She tells the story of how Daniel accidentally served her gluten and how after that, he made every dish in his restaurant without gluten. He told her he didn’t want to cook anything he couldn’t share with her.

Imagine walking in a restaurant and not having to explain to the server what gluten is. Or imagine asking for a gluten-free menu and not being handed a single page that mostly consists of salads without their dressing or burgers without a bun. Just think what it would be like to be handed a menu for the whole restaurant with every single item being gluten-free. There would be no more staring longingly at the onion rings across the table while you ate your boring burger patty with no sides. That restaurant would earn my loyalty twenty times over.

I have only briefly touched on the love story. You will have to read it yourself. Now I want to touch lightly on the recipes and the cooking tips.

One of the first cooking tips was on the importance of mise en place. Mise en place translates to everything in place. Basically, it means all your ingredients should be chopped and ready to go before you start cooking. This is actually something I have always done but only because I have the land speed of a snail when I am chopping. I find this is the only way I can have all my ingredients ready to go at the right time.

Shauna also talks about the importance of cooking in season and the importance of fresh herbs. A friend of mine who has a garden very kindly shared some fresh herbs with me for my first recipe. I will share more on that in my recipe review.

This cookbook is definitely for foodies. You know who you are! These are not hurried recipes. These are recipes that will take a bit of time, especially for those snail- paced food-choppers like me. On a night when the kids are yelling they are hungry and hanging underfoot in the kitchen, these are not the recipes I will be cooking. But on weekends or other days when I have some extra time, I am going to enjoy the experience of trying out this book.

Some of the recipe titles sound intimidating. Roasted chicken roulade with goat cheese and arugula was one of the recipes that sounded pretty intimidating to me. However, I looked at the ingredients, none of which I would consider exotic. Then I read the instructions and said, “Ah, I can do this.”

That is not, however, the recipe I picked. Later this week I will tell which recipe I picked and why. For now, imagine how my kitchen smells with a chicken stock simmering on the back burner. I think the word Heaven definitely comes close to describing the scent. Are you jealous yet? You should be.

Peter Peter

2010-10-13T15:50:00.000-07:00

Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater
Had a wife and could not feed her
Rising prices at the grocery store
Meant that he could shop no more
So he put her in a pumpkin shell
Until the bank took that as well
So now sad Peter lives with his mother
and his sis and little brother
While they wait for the economy to recover
The U.S. is losing its middle class
Poor old Peter, what a kick in the a$$.

A Saturday Nap

2010-09-19T08:27:00.000-07:00

Me to husband: I'm going to shut my eyelids for a bit. They're feeling heavy.

Husband to son: Leave your Mom alone. She is taking a nap.

Husband and son leave room. Husband shuts door.

Five minutes later...

BAM, door flies open.

Son: Mom, I want a soda.

Me: They're in a carton next to the fridge.

Two minutes later...

BAM!

Son: I can't open this. (holding a two liter bottle)

Me: That is old and flat. The sodas are in a carton NEXT TO the fridge.

Two minutes later...

BAM!

Son: I can't find them.

Me: GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! I AM TRYING TO NAP! IF YOU CAN'T FIND THEM, THEN YOU ARE OUT OF LUCK! DRINK WATER!

Two minutes later...

Ring, ring, ring, ring,

"Hello, you have reached..."

Three minutes later...

BAM!

Daughter: Mom, can I have a play date with Tyler?

Me: Sigh.

I'm Your Biggest Fan

2010-09-02T18:11:00.000-07:00

SJ loves ceiling fans. By "loves", I mean obsessed to the point of driving everybody around him crazy.

He wakes up talking about ceiling fans. He goes to bed talking about ceiling fans. And all day long, I hear, "blah, blah, ceiling fan, blah blah, blah."

He can easily spend the whole afternoon, if I let him, watching ceiling fan videos on YouTube. I don't know what is scarier; the fact that he can watch them that long or the fact there are so many ceiling fan videos out there. Who are these people that spend time filming and talking about their ceiling fans?

SJ talks about down rods, what time of year a fan should go clockwise vs. counterclockwise, Hunter brand, Casablanca brand, number of blades, different colors, etc...I've not even touched on a tenth of it.

He has decided recently that he wants a special switch for the ceiling fan in his room. He is tired of having to pull the chain to turn it on. He wants a switch that will turn it on and off, adjust speeds and dim the lights.

My husband explained to him such a switch requires running some different wiring so it's not something we're going to do right now. However, he has been begging to go to Home Depot anyway. So I took him on Tuesday afternoon. First I told him we were not getting a switch. We could get a new pull chain, but that was it.

As we were walking in the Home Depot, he pointed out to me the sign that read "The Home Depot." He thought it was kind of strange the word "The" was at the beginning of the sign. I had to concur as I always thought they were called Home Depot not The Home Depot.

We went in and he led me back to the ceiling fans. It's good to know that one of us doesn't get lost in "The" Home Depot.

We looked at big ceiling fans and little ceiling fans, fans with blades that went in different directions, white ceiling fans, brown ceiling fans, industrial looking ceiling fans, princess ceiling fans, etc...

He found the switch he wanted. I told him to remember we weren't getting it right now. Not only was it twenty-four dollars, he would have nagged my husband to death to install it. We found a chain pull. There was a surprising lack of selection but he found one with a baseball decoration on the end.

Then we looked at the fans some more while he told me all about the different features. At one point he looked up, and I had to laugh at the look on his face. He looked like a religious painting, look of rapture on his face, staring up high while being bathed in light. It was one of those things that had to be seen to be believed. Imelda Marcos couldn't possibly have had half as good a time when she went shoe shopping.

He reluctantly let me lead him out of the store after half an hour. We paid for our five dollar chain pull. (Good grief!) Then we went to a play date at the park.

I'm sure some day this obsession will be over, but I'm not counting on it anytime soon. In the meantime, if somebody wants to buy a nice ceiling fan, I have a 7-year old who can give you some expert advice.

Testing the Waters

2010-08-28T20:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't checked in here in forever and my mother has mentioned it a time or twenty.

Life has changed in many ways since I used to post regularly.

My oldest daughter lives in Vegas and she is engaged. She is twenty now. In another year, she will be legal to visit those casinos she lives near.

She has purchased a house with her fiance. She works one full time and one part time job.

I hope she will eventually do something with that awesome singing talent she has. Are you reading this, Jen?

My other daughter has started middle school. I watch her walk determinedly onto campus every morning carrying her two-ton backpack and her saxophone. It seems a lot to carry for one small girl.

I see the difference between the sixth graders and the eighth graders and realize in two short years, she will be one of those eighth graders. Dragon shirts will be replaced with "cool" clothes and it will be much more important to look like everybody else. I want to hope she will continue to march to her own drum. She has always been exceedingly stubborn, often to the point of making me crazy. It is sad to see my last little girl is growing into a young lady so quickly. How amazingly fast it goes by.

My son has not started school yet. His classes start on September 7th. I am the teacher this year. Since his sister has gone off to school, he has made it obvious how badly he wants socialization. I am making some play dates with others, but it will be much easier once "school" starts. Then we can join in activities where he will meet a large variety of people.

This isn't going to be easy. He already gets upset when I make him do practice work. I asked him the other day, during one of his complaints, if he thought homeschool meant watching television all day.

"Yes I did," was his reply.

We have a challenging year ahead of us.

But, oh, the things I don't have to worry about. I don't have to worry about what to pack for lunch that is allergen-free or worry about his lunch boxes getting thrown in the trash. I don't have to worry about him sitting at his desk making ceiling fan noises, annoying the other children, and not completing his work. I don't worry about the aides trying to make him "independent", which was code speak in our school for "don't have the money to supply an aide all day."

I realize this isn't the choice every family makes, and we all try to do the very best we can for our children. This is just the choice that feels right to us at this time. And who knows what the future holds?

A huge weight has lifted off my chest, HUGE. I didn't realize it was there until it was gone. Very soon we shall start. I am nervous but optimistic. Wish us luck.

Testing Something

2010-05-28T19:31:00.001-07:00

Ignore this note. I am only testing something on blogger. Thanks. :)

Doctors Without Borders

2010-01-21T18:40:00.001-08:00

Of Facebook and High School

2010-01-18T18:11:00.000-08:00

When my oldest daughter joined Myspace, I did also. Not because I wanted to be young and hip, but because I wanted to be careful that she did not inadvertently post something inappropriate. It is very easy to do things on the Internet without thinking and it is hard to take those things back.

When I joined Facebook, it was because so many of my bloggy friends were there. I have really come to enjoy the Facebook community, getting to know many friends better and reconnecting with old friends.

But now I am going to go way back, to my middle and high school days. I was probably one of the most wretched teens in the history of the world. I was angry, unhappy, disrespectful, loud and sarcastic. And those were my good qualities. Also, please note loud and sarcastic can't be put in the past tense.

From sixth grade until my senior year, I had a friend I shall call Mia. I thought she was the best thing since sliced bread. She probably could have asked me to walk across broken glass and then soak my feet in lemonade and I might have said yes.

I was her minion. And I'm sure in some ways, she was mine. We would get together and torture other people as only teen girls can do. If she said she didn't like somebody, then I decided I didn't like them. Sometimes she changed her mind and decided she liked them, but by then the person in question hated me, because of the way I had treated them. Did I mention I wasn't the smartest person in the world?

Sometimes Mia would get tired of me and pick another best friend. By the end of high school, we would have been considered "frenemies" if the expression had been coined back in the eighties.

I also need to go off on a bit of a tangent and talk about Mia's mother. I loved her mother. She never made me feel unwelcome as so many parents did. And who could blame them? Her house always felt like getting a hug. I'm sure there were many times she wanted to choke me, but I only remember two exasperated comments from her in six years of friendship with Mia.

Her only flaw, and we are all flawed and human, is that she never disciplined Mia. Mia was much younger than her siblings and had almost died when she was a baby. The consequence was that she could do and have just about anything she wanted. Her mother worked her fingers to the bone, but instead of an appreciative child, she ended up with an entitled child.

Mia and I met up again in our twenties, but we were just not good for each other. The friendship had faded away by ninety-four and I haven't seen her since. I have heard gossip about her, but I have not seen her.

I have tried very hard since then to be the opposite of the person I was. There is no explanation for why I was such an awful person. I have no clue where the angst and immaturity came from but am happy to be well rid of it today. Hopefully, I am a good friend and person although I occasionally fall down on the job.

This brings us back to modern day and Facebook. I was on a different high school friend's profile, one I've reconnected with. She is funny and great and I'm glad we are friends again. She even lives a short half hour away.

Since it was retro week on Facebook, and we had high school pictures posted, we started talking about "back in the day." And Big Mouth Carolyn (that's me) unthinkingly made a comment about Mia's present day issues.

Another person (I'll call her Dingle Berry) made a comment that she was friends with Mia and that comment was uncalled for. She was right. I should not have put something in a public forum like that. I was not thinking when I opened my big mouth.

I apologized and removed the comment.

One would think it ended there. It didn't.

I soon received a friend request from (gasp) Mia. It was only on my home page for about five minutes before it was withdrawn. If I blinked, I would have missed it.

If Mia had wanted to e-mail me, I would have apologized. I had no right to air her dirty laundry. I can only assume she was trying to tell me she had her eye on me. And Lord help me, it made me laugh. We are forty years old. High school is finished, ended!

On the other hand, I do feel bad that Mia found out about the comment. While she is not somebody I would be friends with today, I would never purposely hurt her feelings. Dingle Berry took it upon herself to do that for me. With friends like that, who needs enemas?

My lesson has been learned. Do not EVER say something in a public forum you would not say to a person's face. It just might come back to bite you in the ass. OUCH!

Why I Love My Kids

2010-01-12T12:24:00.001-08:00

Boy child: Mom, I want you and Dad to put a pool in the back yard.

Me: Would you rather move instead?

Boy child: No.

Me: Are you sure you don't want to move to a new house?

Boy child: NO!

Me: Why not?

Boy child: Because I would miss you guys!

Happy New Year

2010-01-05T14:45:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe 2010 is already here, just when I got used to writing 2009 on my checks.

I could tell stories about our interesting and sickly Pismo Beach vacation when my son pooped in the motel bed. Or I could steal an idea from Liz ,at least I think it was from Liz, and write a few letters.

I hope she doesn't mind that I borrowed her idea. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery even if you won't catch me flashing the pizza guy any time soon.

Dear Cat,

Perhaps you haven't caught on yet to the fact you are not allowed on my kitchen counter so let me lay it out for you.

Here's the deal. You shed hair on my couch, occasionally track poop on my floor and wash your ass on my bed.

So if I have just finished washing the kitchen counter, and you stupidly jump up there two seconds later, be prepared to be squirted with water or otherwise dissuaded from your course of action. You have nine lives and I'm sure you would like to save them for something significant like maybe taunting dobermans.

Sincerely,
The Establishment (You know the one who scoops your poop every single day.)

And while we're on that subject.

Dear Cat,

Please feel free to not take a crap when somebody is brushing their teeth, bathing or otherwise occupied in the bathroom.

I know you can hold it, because it miraculously appears out of you approximately thirty seconds after I have cleaned the box.

Sincerely,
The Establishment

Dear Solicitors,

I do not want to buy overpriced candy, magazine subscriptions, miracle cleaners, a new religion, pest control or cable television.

I do not want to hear that selling candy is "keeping you off the street." Parents or some other responsible adult should be keeping you off the streets.

Chances are if I am home, I have already changed into my pajamas, stripped off my bra and started cooking dinner. This means I don't want to answer the door and you really don't want to see me. Think of your corneas.

However, if somebody wants to sell me a doorbell that says, "Get the hell off my porch," instead of making a chime noise, feel free to come knocking.

The only other solicitor I am truly interested in seeing is a Girl Scout selling cookies. How come you guys never show up?

Sincerely,
Grumpy

Dear Government,

Please get out of bed with Big Pharma and quit pushing the whole immunization thing.

Some parents choose to immunize. Some parents choose not to immunize. Just like not every person reacts to medication the same way, not every child reacts to immunizations the same way.

We want honest, unbiased research done on immunizations. We do not want the same companies who make the product, conducting the research on the product. That worked so well with Big Tobacco, don't you think?

However, the fact that swine flu immunizations are not covered by the National Vaccine Injury Compensation Program make makes me suspect that you are all playing footsie under the table. In fact, I'm sure of it.

Signed,
Fleeing the country

Feeling Bloggy But I Can't Jump

2009-12-20T07:32:00.000-08:00

I hope each and every one of you are having a great holiday season.

Ours seems to get busier every year. I haven't put the cards in the mail yet this year and I'm not sure I will.

Happy Holidays to all!

Tis The Season

2009-11-10T17:57:00.001-08:00

It's that time of year again, the time of year when we all wonder, "What can I buy for my significant other this Christmas?"

Coffee press, concert tickets, favorite author? Nah.

This year, just for the ladies, I have the best gift idea EVER. For a measly 48.00 plus shipping, you can get a model made of your nether regions and give it to your man on a necklace. He can wear it close to his heart forever.

Nothing says love like opening up a big box of poonanny for Christmas.

These necklaces aren't just good for your husband. What if you have a grown son? He would probably enjoy one also. That way he can always look at it and be reminded of where he came from.

The only sad news is that these necklaces do not come in a scratch and sniff model. Maybe next year they will, but I can't wait. I have to order one for my husband now.

Just look at them. Aren't they gorgeous? They remind me of flowers unfurling in the morning sun.

They are also the only Christmas gift endorsed by Mr. T himself.

I PITY THE FOOL WHO MAKES FUN OF MY POONANNY NECKLACE!

Happy Holidays!

Good bye Cari

2009-09-23T11:11:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry to say Cari has passed away. Please keep her family in your thoughts and prayers.

Ketchup

2009-09-22T16:40:00.000-07:00

So many of you keep blogging quite consistently, and I am impressed. I don't know if I ran out of things to say or if I'm lazy. To be honest, it's probably the latter. Also, my life is kind of dull which isn't a bad thing. I handle dull much better than strife.

The kids started school just over a month ago. I had planned on doing homeschooling. What changed my mind was observing my son in his kindergarten class at the end of the school year. He was doing great. I'm sure the charter homeschool thought I was a dingbat since we had already signed up with them and tested the kids. It might be something I will revisit, but we are content for now.

I told myself I would not volunteer as much this year as I did last year. Last year I volunteered for three hours a week. This year I am up to four. It's not really a lot, but I find all that housecleaning I had imagined getting done isn't happening. This could have something to do with the fact that I hate housework. If I could do it, and have it look clean for more than forty-five minutes, it might not be as depressing. As it stands though, freshly mopped floors are completely sticky by the next day.

I mentioned a few posts ago that I was going to visit my Grandma. It was a great visit. My mother wanted to do something fun so she suggested the casino. My sister and I hate the casino. If I spend twenty dollars I'm done. Twenty dollars is enough to eat at Subway at least three times. Throwing it in a slot machine that sucks it up in five minutes flat gives me a whole lot less pleasure than snarfing down a veggie delight.

As you can imagine, I'm great fun to take to a casino, especially if you're on a machine that is winning and I'm ready to goooooooo.

We settled for bingo. That way we could gamble, all be done at the same time AND visit, or so I thought. We ended up sitting near a couple of senior ladies. They were regular bingo players who played all week long and bingo was SERIOUS BUSINESS.

I can't remember what our first conversation was about, but they grumbled at each other about our noise. Since they hadn't addressed us directly, we ignored them. One of them then said, "I can't hear the caller!" They were both looking straight at the caller. Also when the numbers are called, they display on a TV monitor. Then they are shown on a board behind the TV monitor. I'm nearsighted and didn't have on glasses and I could see the numbers.

We truly weren't trying to be rude, but I hadn't seen my family in forever and my sister was catching up and making me laugh in the process.

The next conversation was between my mother in law and my mother. They were discussing underwear. This was during a break between games so it shouldn't have been an issue. The lady's face reflected her irritation anyway. It's not like they were talking about crotchless panties, but I guess underwear is one of those "vulgar" things that shouldn't be discussed in public.

The third conversation, and apparently the last straw, was when my sister talked about cleaning out my mother's refrigerator. My mother's refrigerator is legendary for being packed full of all sorts of food stuffs. My mother is legendary for not wanting any of it thrown out. "Why that yogurt is perfectly good. I haven't opened it yet."

The lady yelled, "EXCUSE ME. MY FRIEND JUST MISSED A BINGO!" Actually her friend missed a NUMBER, the same number which was displayed on two screens that they were looking straight at.

So I settled for passing notes to my sister high school style with witty sayings on them such as, "Bingo or Bitcho?"

So now we know. You are not supposed to talk during Bingo. It wasn't in the rules anywhere, but I did google when I got home and it is one of those "unwritten" rules. Where the hell is the fun in that? We promise to keep our uncouth selves out of all bingo parlors from now on. I'm sure bingo players everywhere will thank us.

The only other thing of import I can think of is the female kitten has gone in heat a week before her spay appointment. I made the appointment in August. They were that booked out. The only thing grosser than two cats trying to get it on all over the house, is two cats who are siblings trying to get it on all over the house. Yick!

Cari

2009-09-05T10:42:00.001-07:00

I want to tell all of you about Cari, an amazing person.

Cari is a fellow blogger I met by accident. I was new to blogging and hitting the next blog button when I stumbled on her blog. The first thing I noticed was the beautiful pictures of her children. The second thing I noticed was how much she loved her children. I commented on her blog. She was kind enough to comment on mine and that's how we met.

What I have always loved about Cari's blog is the obvious joy she takes from her family. She is so proud of her children and appreciative of her husband and parents and is happy to let everyone know. She has a gift of living in the now and savoring life. That has always shone through.

Cari is in her early thirties and she is a runner, the last person you would think would get diagnosed with breast cancer, but she was.

She shared every step of her breast cancer fight, the chemo, the fatigue, the radiation, the mastectomy, even posting pictures of her shaved head. Her humor and her faith in God came through with every post.

When it was time for the breast cancer fight to be over, she still didn't feel right and that was when brain cancer was discovered. Again, she shared every step of the battle. Despite being busy with chemo and surgeries, she took time to reach out to my sister, who had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. Cari is that kind of person.

Sadly, Cari is not doing well. There is no way for me to let her know the huge difference she has made to me and to others. I know we are all hugging our loved ones closer and learning to appreciate the little things. Cari, is truly one of a kind and I have been privileged to know her.

Another Wasted Summer

2009-07-26T14:34:00.000-07:00

Every year I tell myself that I will organize my house during the summer. And every year I fail utterly at that assignment. There is so much to do that I end up getting overwhelmed and throwing up my hands.

I did get rid of a lot of the kid's stuff, but it's always much harder to get rid of MY stuff. It's strange because that's all it is - stuff. I don't need most of it but who knows, if I throw it out, I might. Ugh.

Sammy graduated from ABA at the end of June and immediately started a socialization program we had been waiting forever for. While I was glad to get in, I was a bit miffed at the timing. Our whole summer was stretching before us with no therapies and then it was snatched away. It has turned out to be a blessing. Azure goes to help out, and both kids are having a great time.

I am not doing wonderfully on the health front, nothing major, but I'm in constant pain. My arm and shoulder started hurting some months ago. I ignored it, hoping it would go away, and then it became excruciating.

I begrudgingly went to the doctor. The diagnosis is rotator cuff tendinitis. Since I waited so long, now I have to have physical therapy.

I waited another week to call the physical therapist, because I kept hoping it would heal once I was popping 800 mg Motrin three times a day.

Alas, I now seem to have a frozen shoulder. Ever try shaving your armpit when you can't lift your arm up high enough?

This sucks and it hurts a lot. And I'm sure physical therapy will make it hurt MORE. Gah!

But enough of the pity party. I am so good at throwing those, don't ya think?

We haven't been all idle this summer. We have been to the library a lot, although I am the one doing most of the reading.

The children saw a magician at the library. We went to two different story times and we are going to a wild animal presentation on Tuesday.

We've been on a hike and a picnic. We've been to two different parks with water features and we are going to a new one Monday, all of them free.

We still need to go berry picking before all the blueberries are gone. I love blueberries and so does Sammy.

My Grandma is visiting my mother so we will be going down there for a while. Since my Grandma lives in Maine, we haven't seen her in over four years. My daughter lives with my mother so I will get a chance to see her too. Also, my Mom has a pool, a pool! I can't wait to swim.

There are only three weeks left until school starts. An eight week summer isn't nearly long enough, in my opinion. On days the kids are whining, that opinion has been known to change.

When the kids go back to school, it will be a full day for both of them. I need to find a way to make extra money with my time. Are there even jobs out there? Even if there are, do they want somebody who can only work from 8:30 to 1:30 that has to stay home with sick kids and on school vacations? I doubt it. So I need to find a way to make money from home.

I don't have the temperament to do sales or daycare. Could I make this any more difficult? LOL

Life has a way of going on regardless. It's all good.

The Hog Days of Summer

2009-07-21T09:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was not a good day for my little man. Maybe it's because he had some forbidden dairy. Or maybe it was a combination of dairy and the dreaded red dye 40.

Whatever the reason, he was an utter pill, the kind of kid you want to lock in the back yard. And I did, for about two minutes.

First he decided to "ride" the chair across my Pergo floors. When I said no, he ignored me. Then I had to remove him from the chair and put him in time out. After time out, he started riding the chairs again.

The day went along in that vein until around 7:30 p.m. There were many time-outs and more than a few times the neighbors on the other side of the block heard me screeching.

One of the highlights of the day was when he decided to ask me a question he knew the answer to. This is a habit that I have been trying to break him of.

He does this constantly, all day long, asking me questions that he KNOWS the answer to. While I am grateful that he can talk, I do wish he would do a whole lot less of it.

The question he asked me was if his sister was old enough to drive a car. She is ten and he full well knows she isn't.

Instead of saying my usual, "Why did you ask me a question you know the answer to?", I said, "Yes, we are buying her one tomorrow and you can't ride in it."

And the shrieking began.

We were on our way to a socialization program. It is a twenty minute drive. He screamed for over half of it. The screaming had a pattern. It went SCREECH, sob, sob, SCREECH, sob, sob. Little boys can screech REALLY loudly, an ear splitting sound indeed.

A patient mother, a good mother, would have pulled over to the side of the road and calmed her child down. I, however, was a stressed out, had it up to here, mother. So instead, I conducted the orchestra.

With every SCREECH, I raised my hand into the air. Then for the double sob, I gently lifted it two times in a row. So my hand went UUUUUPPPP, then down, and then made a couple of slight waves.

What the fellow drivers thought of me, I'll never know or care.

This only intensified the screeching, as he was now grievously insulted.

It was not my finest parenting moment. Bedtime was half an hour early that evening.
********************
The grocery store could no longer be avoided this Sunday so I got out some pants and a shirt to put on. They didn't fit.

I tried some different clothes. They didn't fit.

Nothing fits anymore except a few, unflattering pairs of drawstring capris. I need to lose weight. The fact of the matter is, I'm GREAT at dieting, until I get hungry.

Working out has fallen by the wayside. First I had a cold. Then I stubbed my toe so hard, I think I broke it. Then I had, and still have, a horrible tendinitis flare-up. Still, I could walk slowly on my treadmill without too much arm pain; I could. But the old saying, "An object at rest tends to remain at rest," is applying here.

I don't feel good. I am fat and tired and look horrible and seem to be disinclined to fix it. Instead I am whining. Oh, that is helpful!

Maybe someday, I hope soon, I will get my act together.

For now, my belly has its own zip code.

Rhymes with Hex

2009-07-08T08:18:00.000-07:00

Azure has asked me several times where babies come from. "Mommy's tummy" was not the answer she was looking for either, blast it all!

I finally told her that the boy part goes in the girl part. Then the boy part shoots out seeds that fertilize the egg.

The look of disgust on her face was priceless. She told me a few days later that she wasn't going to have babies. She might get married, but she wasn't going to have babies.

I can only imagine the shock on the face of her future husband when the honeymoon starts and she says, "I told you I didn't want babies!"

Yes, I know that realistically her attitude will change in about four years. Dammit!
********************
Summer has been busy so far. We go to the park and the library a lot. Sammy has started a new socialization program three days a week. Azure goes with him as they are in need of "typical" kids.

I want to make this a memorable but cheap summer. So far so good...
********************
I forgot to renew my son's medi-cal card. We don't use it for anything personally as it's really not good for anything, but the regional center uses it to reimburse the respite people.

The paperwork showed up in May. I decided to do it that week. Then I put it in a pile and forgot about it until the end of June.

This is not the only kind of stuff I forget. I can't focus or remember many things.

Forty is the new eighty, around here anyway.
*******************

My oldest daughter, Jasmine, took this picture of Sammy. Every time the camera comes out, he strikes a pose.

The Small Things in Life

2009-06-10T13:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I received a free sample in the mail. One of my favorite words is free. The package contained Kotex maxi pads. Two of them were overnight pads, approximately the size of school buses. I was looking forward to seeing if they worked. And then it hit me. The most exciting moment of my life in the last month was me looking forward to test driving a maxi pad. Does this mean I am easily pleased by the small things? Or does this mean my life is pitiful? I'm on the fence with this one.
********************
Last month we took the chance to do a family thing and went to Lake Tahoe. Dave Ramsay would not have approved. But we had a great time.

We went out to eat at a buffet and Azure saw some crawdads. She asked what they were. I told her you suck the juice out of their heads. Her reply was, "awesome!"

A man behind us snickered. I told him you really do suck the juice out of their heads. He wasn't laughing at that. He was laughing at her reply.

My little tomboy...

*********************

Not much is going on here. We are impatiently waiting for school to end. June 17th is the day. Everybody has had summer fever since mid-May. Hurry up and be done, school!

My Daughter Turned Me On To Yet Another Time-Sucking Website

2009-05-19T16:13:00.000-07:00

I am probably the last person on the planet to hear about fmylife.com.

Now I am reading stories and cackling maniacally.

Here is an excerpt that tickled my funny bone.

Today, my three-year old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone." She said, "That's okay, I have more," then pulled the next handful out of her underwear.

So, if you like stories of those special moments in life, check it out.

Pulling Off the Band-aid

2009-05-17T17:24:00.000-07:00

It is past time that I pull off the band-aid that is Cafemom. I think my blogging went down the crapper the day I joined Cafemom.

I joined it to get advice and found it was the website equivalent of the Jerry Springer show. And it was fun to watch for a while. But I can only read so many arguments about breastfeeding, vaccinations, circumcision and discipline before I realize that the same people are making the same asinine comments. Or maybe they are all interchangeable. It seems like it.

I met a few very nice people on CM, but it is filled with so many nasty people. I don't think I have met any nasty people while blogging. I also have more of a sense of community and connection with fellow bloggers that I don't get on Cafemom.

I'm torn between deleting my account completely or deleting all but the groups with cooking and homemade cleaner recipes.

Of course Facebook has been calling much louder than it used to.
********************
Azure had her birthday on April 12th and I never even posted about it. Her birthday fell on Easter.

When I was playing with the idea of her birthday post, I thought about saying it's not every year that one's birthday falls on a holiday.

Then I realized that if one's birthday is on, say, a set holiday, like Christmas, one's birthday does fall on a holiday every year.

Azure is ten now, and the last ten years have really flown. She is hitting puberty and it makes me sad. It makes me want to freeze time.

As much as I might vent and say that my kids make me batty, I know these are also some of the best years of my life. Before I know it the last two will be out the door and I will finally have my clean house, but a whole lot less laughter.
********************
Speaking of laughter, I have a few of the latest Sammyisms.

It sounds like he is my favorite child the way I write about him. It's not that. It's only that he is so darned funny, to me anyway.

He has been losing a lot of teeth. Both of his two front teeth are gone and some bottom teeth.

He asked me if the tooth fairy had a cash register. Then he got mad because the tooth fairy took his tooth and he wanted to buy it back.

The other day he was digging in my purse and I heard him say, "Oh for me, thank you. Does it have wheat?"

I looked over and he was holding a tampon.

He is extremely curious about anything and everything, mostly about how things work. The other day he wanted to talk about being on the moon.

He wanted to know if he would float on the moon and if water would float on the moon. Last but not least, he wanted to know if he tied the cat to a rope if she would float on the moon. Run, kitty, run!

Speaking of the kitty, she had a surprise for us, five to be exact. Approximately six weeks after showing up, Jane had a litter of kittens. They are just starting to get cute. If I EVER find my camera cable, I'll post some pics.

My husband already agreed to let my daughter keep one. Sucker!
********************
I know I have commented on Facebook that turning forty feels like being a carton of milk that has gone past its due date.

It does. It really does!

My bad life choices are catching up with me with a vengeance. My knees hurt. My shoulders hurt. I have a cold I can't shake off.

It's time to eat more veggies and get back in an exercise routine. It's time to take vitamins and supplements.

I am very, very unhappy with myself at the moment.

But I will end on a positive note. I did the Susan G Komen walk and my friends and relatives were generous enough to donate $155.00. Hooray. Next year I want to set my fund raising goal higher. But every little bit helps and I'm quite happy with what I did make.

Miss Kitty Has A Name

2009-04-02T07:12:00.001-07:00

It took us almost three weeks but we have settled on a name for the cat.

I have been calling her Miss Kitty. That has the effect of making a hideous country song play on endless loop through my mind. For those who are interested in acquiring the ear worm, go listen to "Should've Been A Cowboy" by Toby Keith. Don't say I didn't warm you.

Since she acts like a queen, graciously allowing me to let her in and out all day, I thought of Elizabeth but that didn't work. The whole family has to agree on a name.

When she wants her food in the morning, she has a raspy Janis Joplin/Melissa Etheridge type meow, but neither Janis nor Missy appealed.

She also eats like a pig, has gained at least two pounds, and she is black and white so I thought of Fats Domino. That didn't quite fit either.

My husband suggested Smudge since she has a mustache under her nose. However, pointing out the mustache made me think of the expression Dirty Sanchez. That term can be found on urban dictionary and you DON'T want to look it up. It's one of those things I stumbled on by mistake and wish I hadn't.

This morning we were cuddling in bed with the kids and the kitty kept jumping on the bed and then running down the hallway trying to communicate that we needed to get up and feed her RIGHT NOW darn it.

I suggested Seymour, after the plant in little shop of horrors that yells repeatedly, "Feed Me!"

Since she kept putting her butt in my husband's face, he suggested Seymour Butts, a Simpsons shout out.

I roared with laughter. Seymour Butts it was. But my husband thought since she was a female, we had to put a girly name in there.

And now, without further ado, allow me to proudly introduce you to Jane Seymour Butts. None of the other cats in kindergarten will have the same name. I just know it.

In Honor of April Fools Day

2009-04-01T10:38:00.000-07:00

"DUDES! Who spread lube on my slip and sliiiiiiiide?"

Feeling Weary

2009-03-29T16:44:00.000-07:00

Today is a blah day. My allergies are flaring up. My house is cluttered and I am so damn tired of this economy.

WAH!

I took the kids to the park today. There was a meet up of the Moms group I belong to. Since I hadn't been to one in months, it was time.

I didn't like it very much. It is so easy to talk to people via e-mail. But to talk to people in real life, where I can't think about what I say before hitting the send button, it is absolutely painful and stress-inducing.

WAH!

Someone cheer me up with stories of your fabulous weekend.

For the Love of a Watermelon

2009-03-26T15:33:00.000-07:00

My husband wanted some egg rolls one weekend about a month ago. Rather than pay somebody else to make them, I decided to make them myself. The least expensive place to buy egg roll ingredients is the Asian market so Sammy and I went together.

Azure stayed home with her Dad. She had first choice to go to the grocery store with me and she declined. She changed her mind when I was taking Sammy, but I have a one child per grocery trip rule. Taking more than one child to the grocery store never bodes well for my sanity or for the sanity of those around me.

The Asian grocery has a lot of produce. Most of it is much cheaper than in the regular grocery store. The front of the store has big wooden bins filled with produce. I walked by the bins and Sammy stopped me. He pointed to the bin with individual watermelons.

"Mom, do you see that box over there? I've been waiting for those."

The individual watermelons were only a dollar and fifty cents. I grabbed just one because it isn't melon season.

The melon didn't spend much time in the cart. Sammy weighed it in the produce scale at least twice. He also proudly kept showing it to a toddler boy who was riding in a cart. Sammy handed it over. Then the little boy handed it back. Fortunately his mother didn't mind.

After we paid for the groceries and went to the car, Sammy wanted his watermelon to hold on the way home. He sat in his car seat, tenderly cradling his watermelon and bestowing the occasional kiss on it.

When we got home, I had to cut it in half and he devoured most of it, finishing the rest of it later that day. It was good! I wish I had grabbed more than one.
********************
My Mom gave me some birthday money that I hadn't yet spent so I went shopping today.

Normal women get excited about shopping. I'm not normal.

The first stop was for a sports bra. I grabbed the same style and size as last time but tried it on just in case. It was a good thing. Despite the fact the girls haven't changed in size the manufacturer decided to dub me a double D. I'm not but it seems even bra cup sizes are getting supersized.

The sports bra was thirty-four dollars before tax! Good grief.

I then went shirt shopping. What is with the new shirt styles? They cling to my back, caressing every wayward bulge. I don't want my back fat on display, thank you very much. I can't hide my double chin but I'll be damned if I'm sharing my back fat with the whole world. YUCK!

I ended up with no shirts but I did find a pair of capri pants for twenty dollars. When somebody figures out why a bra that covers an eighth of me costs so much more than pants that cover almost a third of me, please explain the reasons. This is one of those great mysteries of life that keeps me up at night.

Also, why can we put a man on the moon but nobody has invented a self-cleaning kitchen yet?

What mysteries do those of you in blogville ponder?

Cool Hat

2009-03-18T09:33:00.000-07:00

Roxanne (http://whussup.blogspot.com/) is a fellow blogger of mine who knows how to knit. She had a picture on her blog recently of a pretty hat she had made.

My older sister is going through chemo and it has been cold outside. I noticed the hat on Roxanne's blog came far enough down to cover ears. I asked her if she would be kind enough to knit and sell me one.

Not only did she do that for me, but she knitted it in record time. I am seeing my sister this weekend and I can't wait to present her with her new hat.

In order for everyone to see this hat, I had Sammy model it. It's much cuter on Roxanne but she lives too far away for me to borrow her head.

Thank you Roxanne!

Cat? I Didn't Order a Cat.

2009-03-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

Most of you know our dogs are gone now. I was very impressed with the rescue lady who took them in. She crate trained and obedience trained them and found them new adult only homes.

I was sad about the dogs but also a bit relieved. Obviously the biggest relief was not having to worry about my son being bitten. I know it's silly but any dogs around my son make me nervous now, even the nicest ones. I find myself wondering when the wolf within will decide my son is too darn annoying and snap.

The dogs also needed a level of attention that I never seemed to have time for and I was always consumed with guilt. Dogs are wonderful creatures, filled with unconditional love but so darn needy. They are like an insecure high school relationship. "Are you sure you love me? Prove it and scratch my belly. Hey it's been five whole minutes since you scratched my belly! Say you love me, dammit!"

We also no longer had the need to find somebody to dog sit while we left town.

We were done with pets for now and that was okay. My kids keep me busy along with the never ending piles of laundry and dishes.

I'm going to meander off a bit here and explain about my daughter and the bus. I am a stay at home mom so I pick my kids up at school. My son is too immature to ride the bus and my daughter can meet me outside his classroom to be picked up at the same time.

But my daughter wanted to ride the bus. A bus ride costs a dollar. The minimum purchase is a packet of ten tickets for ten dollars. I told my daughter if she wanted to ride the bus, she had to pay for it out of her own money. So she did.

The first or second day my daughter rode the bus, a cat followed her home. Then it followed her in the house. I picked kitty up and noted she didn't weigh much more than a feather. I put her on the porch with a can of tuna. My daughter went with her.

When my daughter came in the house again, kitty pushed past her. I put her out again. She screamed at the door. MEOW MEOW MEOW!

I felt awful but a cat has to be a two person decision and my husband was adamant on no pets. I had been adamant also but it's a bit harder to stick to your guns when the animal finds you.

The kids and I decided to help the cat find her house. We walked down the driveway and the cat followed. She followed us all the way down the street meowing at us. We took her to where my daughter had met her on the street parallel to ours. I found a man outside and asked him if the kitty belonged to him. He said he thought she belonged two houses down and he had found her in his garage before.

We walked two houses down and knocked on the door. Nobody answered. The cat continued to follow us like we were her only friends in the world. She went in the yard and around the side a bit.

I grabbed the kids and told them to run for it. I knew she would follow us home if we didn't. The cat saw us run off and started crying. I felt horrible, like the biggest jerk in the world, but knew we had her back in the right area.

The next week she followed my daughter home again. I made her stay on the porch. My daughter stayed with her. We had to run an errand and we left her on the porch. When we came home, she was gone.

Then last night, at nine, we heard meowing on the porch. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW! I felt horrible again. My husband instructed us to ignore it. He held out for about two minutes.

We got some hamburger patties out of the fridge, let her in and fed her. I found a container suitable for a cat box and some old cat litter.

The cat ate like she hadn't seen a meal in some time and made herself at home. She and I will have to have a talk about this habit of waking me in the middle of the night to get petted though. We also need to talk about waking everybody at seven in the morning screaming with hunger.

She does use a cat box. Hooray! When she decided to sharpen her claws, it was on my ten dollar Big Lots area rug. I can live with that.

She hasn't showed the urge to leave yet. The kids are busy following her around the house so she might be feeling the urge soon. We will be watching for signs around the neighborhood about a lost cat who hoovers food like Marlon Brando at the Hometown Buffet.

So we seem to have a cat for now...

Old Hoss Has Passed Away

2009-03-09T11:47:00.000-07:00

Old Horsetail Snake, Gene Maudlin, has passed away. Rest in Peace Gene. You will be missed.

Frugal Cooking

2009-03-09T08:19:00.000-07:00

The economy is in the crapper and grocery prices have become completely insane. I want to share some of the tips that work for us. I also would LOVE to hear the tips that work for everybody else.

I have cut my grocery bill a lot by using these ideas but I still need help. So I strongly encourage any and all of your ideas.

A tip from Liz (superlib02.blogspot.com) I wanted to share was to cook from scratch as much as possible and make a double or triple batch for freezing. Having a frozen dinner on hand that you only have to thaw and heat helps eliminate the temptation to grab take out on a busy night.

The author of The Tightwad Gazette recommends freezing your dinners immediately after everyone has eaten and then having leftover night once a week. She also freezes all her vegetables in one container for "stew night."

Check the weekly grocery store sale ads and plan your meals around them. I recently started doing this and it saves me quite a bit of money. It should have occurred to me sooner but I am a bit slow on the uptake at times.

Another thing that has been saving me money is my meat grinder I received for my birthday. I can save two dollars a pound or more by grinding my own beef, pork or chicken. It tastes better too.

My meat grinder hooks up to my kitchen aid but vintage meat grinders abound on eBay. They may not be as fancy but they get the job done.

Saving money on vegetables has been more of a challenge for us since they have gone up so dramatically. Carrots are a staple in our house since they seem to be the last vegetable bargain. As far as other vegetables go, I try to buy what is on sale.

I went to an Asian Market this weekend and was pleasantly surprised at their produce prices. Swiss chard was on sale for thirty cents a pound. Cilantro was thirty cents a bunch. Cabbage was fifty cents a pound. So, if you have an ethnic market, check it out.

Some of our pantry staples are dried beans, lentils, split peas, potatoes, onions, garlic and rice. Sometimes I feel like the Bubba Gump of potatoes - potato soup, twice-baked potatoes, fried potatoes, oven baked french fries...

If your store has a coupon for an item that you want, you can use the store coupon and a manufacturer's coupon for extra savings.

My daughter likes to take granola bars to school so I am trying to make them homemade a lot more. They are cheaper and have the added bonus of no corn syrup in them. I was never a corn syrup fan before and now that I have found out it is filled with mercury, it can stay at the store and out of my pantry.

Now for a few recipes. Feel free to share some of yours and I will publish them.

Peanut Butter Granola Bars

2 tablespoons margarine
1/3 cup natural peanut butter or sun butter
1/3 cup honey
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1/4 teaspoon salt
3 cups rolled oats
1/2 cup raisins (optional)

Begin by melting the margarine and peanut butter together in a 3-quart saucepan. Add the honey, vanilla and salt. Stir the mixture until it is smooth and hot throughout. It doesn’t need to boil. Add the oats. Stir until the oats are completely coated with the sticky gooey peanut butter mixture. It will be chunky. Turn the mixture into an ungreased cookie sheet, or a large 9 by 13-inch pan. Spread the granola out evenly and bake it at 375° for 10 minutes. It will be brown and crispy. Now remove it from the oven and allow it to cool in the pan. Break it up into pieces after it is cooled. Transfer the granola to a clean coffee can or sealed canister. Add the raisins, if you are using them, when the granola is cool.

If you want a chocolate topping, sprinkle chocolate chips on top after removing granola from the oven. After they melt, spread them over the granola.

Homemade Granola (from the Tightwad Gazette)

3/4 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1/3 cup honey
5 cups oatmeal
1/2 cup raisins (optional)
1/2 cup dry milk
3/4 tsp cinnamon
pinch of salt

Mix brown sugar, oil, and honey in a saucepan. Heat until the sugar is dissolved. Combine dry ingredients in a bowl except for raisins. Toss dry ingredients with the wet ingredients. Place on a greased cookie sheet and bake at 375 for ten minutes. If adding raisins, put them in the granola after removing from oven. Let cool in pan. Store in an airtight container.

Vegan Pea Soup

INGREDIENTS
1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil
1 carrot, chopped (I add four)
1 stalk celery, chopped (I leave this out)
1 small onion, chopped
1 teaspoon curry powder
1 cup yellow split peas
4 cups water
1 teaspoon salt

DIRECTIONS
Heat olive oil in a large saucepan. Saute carrot, onion, celery and curry for about 5 minutes. Add the water, peas and salt. Simmer, stirring occasionally, for 45 to 50 minutes, or until very tender.

My carnivore husband LOVES the pea soup. There are no complaints about the lack of meat.

I haven't made the next soup in a while but I plan to make it this week using soy milk and cornstarch instead of cow's milk and flour.

Creamy Broccoli Soup

3 cups vegetable broth (or 3 cups water with vegetable bouillon cubes)
2 cups chopped carrots
1 cup chopped celery
1/2 cup chopped onion
1 package (10 ounces) frozen, chopped broccoli
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
2 cups low-fat milk
1/4 cup all purpose flour
1 1/2 cups shredded Swiss cheese (optional)

Heat carrots, celery, onions, vegetable broth, broccoli, salt and pepper to boiling in Dutch oven. Reduce heat. Cover and simmer ten minutes. Remove from heat. Shake milk and flour in tightly covered container. Gradually stir into vegetable mixture. Heat to boiling, stirring constantly. Boil and stir one minute. Remove from heat. Makes four servings.

I'd like to share more recipes later, mine and yours. Have a great Monday!

More Cafemom Fun

2009-03-05T08:02:00.000-08:00

Every now and then on Cafemom (cafecrack to addicts like me) I run across a post where I cannot bring myself to navigate away and follow the Thumper rule that goes, "If you can't say anything nice..."

Here is the post I saw last night.

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TOO!!! THAT IS WHY (Notice the incorrect spelling of to)

Okay, I just have to vent. You want to know why my family will go eat out and have a 60 dollar meal and only leave a 5 tip??? Because thats what we have left or in cash AND because tip is not part of our meal! We are not required to leave you a tip just because you decided to be nice to us. Its your job!!! You are the one that chose to work as a waiter/waitress and get paid only 2 or 3 dollars, so dont complain that you arent making enough because people dont tip. We are not required to tip you a certain amount, or anything! Be grateful for whatever you get. I have never left a tip over 5 dollars. Oh, and for those that say to go to mcdonalds to eat if i cant afford to leave a tip...oh, im sorry...well just because I dont leave a huge tip doesnt mean my family cant eat at a nice place. Heres an idea, how about you get a job that actually pays you for your service instead of relying on customers that are already giving you their business.

Oh, and yes, I have been a waitress and know what its like.
**********************************************************

Ah, rampant ignorance. Gotta love it. I could not let this one go. Here was my reply.

You know what? You're right! So what if she hustles her ass taking out your food. If she doesn't like it, she should find another job.

I am going to start being a total bitch to the person who rings up my groceries. If they don't like it, they can find another job.

Next time my propane bill arrives, I'm going to call customer service and ream them out because my bill is so high. So what if they don't set the prices. If they don't want to hear me bitch, they can find another job.

Oh, and those road construction workers. Screw that whole slow for the cone zone thing. If they don't want to get run over by my car, they can find another job.

Watch out world here I come. And I'm throwing common courtesy out the window!
*****************************************************************

So I'm just warning all of you now. Stay out of the crosswalk. I've decided to not stop for pedestrians either.

It's liberating, liberating I tell you!

Frugality

2009-03-01T17:46:00.000-08:00

In case this blog couldn't get any more boring, I thought I would post some frugal living tips. I'm not sure how many of my blogger pals are feeling this recession smack dab in the wallet but I know most of the country is in sticker shock.

If anybody has frugal tips to share with me, please do. Today's topic is homemade cleaners.

I wanted to start with homemade laundry detergent. It doesn't leave your clothes with a fancy smell. BUT it does get them clean and it's better for you and the environment. And did I mention it's CHEAP?

HOMEMADE LAUNDRY DETERGENT

1 cup grated soap (Use Zote, Fels Naptha, Castile or Ivory)
1/2 cup washing soda
1/2 cup borax

Mix all together. Use one to two tablespoons per load.

To find washing soda at a store near you, call 1-800-524-1328.

Next I am covering homemade dishwasher detergent. I don't know if this one is a lot cheaper, but it is supposed to be healthier.

HOMEMADE DISHWASHER DETERGENT

1/2 cup Borax
1/2 cup Baking Soda
1/4 cup Citric Acid or you can use lemon koolaid powder
1/4 cup Salt

Use the same amount as you do with commercial cleaner. I've read that we tend to use too much detergent so I would try a tablespoon or two at first and see if I could get away with it.

Now for antibacterial cleaner since we are such a germ obsessed nation

4 cups water
1 TBS Dr. Bronners liquid castile soap (look at vitacost.com)
1/4 to 1/2 cup vinegar
20 drops tea tree oil
20 drops lavendar oil

Mix all together in a spray bottle.

I know tea tree oil is pricey but I have a friend who says she finds it at grocery outlet. Woo-hoot for the grocery outlet!

On to glass and counter cleaner.

1 cup water
1 cup white vinegar

Mix in a spray bottle. Use newspaper to wipe your mirror down after you spray this. Otherwise you will be wiping all day. The smell does dissipate, I promise.

I can't find the ratio of water to mouthwash but I read in a magazine that water mixed with cheap mouthwash is a great tile cleaner.

I use cheap mouthwash to scrub my toilet, just a splash of it. When Jasmine lived here, I had purchased her some generic Listerine which she refused to use. The gall of me, I know.

The mouthwash languished under a cupboard until I read the cleaning article. So I tried some in my toilet and it worked. Hey, if it can kill the smell of my morning breath it can certainly deodorize my toilet.

Sammy is Six

2009-02-28T07:40:00.000-08:00

Today is Sammy's six birthday. And he is running a temperature. I think we will be having our cake next week. Poor guy. :-(

Plan Is A Four Letter Word

2009-02-28T06:23:00.000-08:00

Some people are smart enough to make a plan for their life. I never was. I had a general vision of how I thought my future would look but wasn't sure how I would get there.

Once I entered high school, I never applied myself. I spent more time thinking up creative ways to escape class than I ever spent studying. How I graduated is a complete mystery.

After the misery of high school, I was in no hurry to go to college. So I entered the military for a bit and that didn't suit me either. That whole order taking thing rubbed me the wrong way. What was I thinking when I joined?

Then I conceived a surprise baby. I quickly married and almost as quickly divorced. I moved back in with my parents.

Not too many years later, I met the man I am married to now. We married and lived with his parents for about a year. Then he found his dream job in San Jose, California so off we went.

I had always assumed that whatever I did in life, the one definite was that I would be a working mom. It was the way I was raised and although most of my jobs were dead end and miserable, the self-esteem of a paycheck was immeasurable.

My husband told me I could be a stay at home mom if I wanted and since I felt like I had missed much of my daughter's earlier years, I took him up on his offer.

The Bay Area was great. While my daughter attended school, I attended some college. It was fun. Who would have thought? I couldn't decide on a major but continued taking the core classes.

We decided to have another baby and to buy a house. This was when reality slapped fantasy in the face. Buy a house in the Bay Area? Mwahahahahaha. For two-hundred thousand dollars, a person could buy a six-hundred square foot mountain shack that was about forty-five minutes from work. But that was only if it were possible to bid higher on it than the other fifty people who wanted the same shack.

How I loved the Bay Area - the culture, the people of all colors, the delicious pot lucks at my daughter's school...But we had to move to afford a house so we headed East to the Sacramento area. This was my husband's idea. It was a great idea too. I just hated to move.

We purchased a sixteen-hundred square foot house on our own plot of land. I stayed at home with my older daughter and our new baby. I didn't know anybody. I was miserable. I didn't realize I was struggling with depression at the time. Hindsight does me no good now.

We went through the motions with one kid in school and one kid at home. The youngest was almost school age when we decided we were done having kids. The positive pregnancy test was approximately a week after that decision.

A little over nine months later, we had our boy. He wasn't the happiest baby in the world. He had lots of tummy aches. He screamed during car rides unless I played obnoxious kid's music Cd's. The wheels on the minivan went round and round, round and round...

My oldest was very resentful of the kid's music. She would far rather put on the radio with adult music and hear him screaming from the back seat.

Three years later we received his autism diagnosis. That was a surprise bump in the road. Shortly after, we started him on his special diet.

Many therapies and over two years later, he was ready to be mainstreamed in kindergarten with an aide.

I knew that kindergarten would go well and he would go into first-grade easily. When he went into first grade, it would be time to get a part-time job or go back to school.

Well, he has done well this year, but traditional school requires that you sit still and pay attention. Sitting still is torture for him. He bounces around, makes noises in class and gets in other children's personal space. My boy is a square peg in a round hole.

So, not without trepidation, I have decided to home school. That is not something that I was ever going to do. Home school people never get any personal time away from their kids. Home school people either have infinite patience or an endless supply of Valium. At least that is what I have always assumed.

Here we are in a faltering economy. Grocery and utility prices are killing us. My husband's employer handed out five-percent pay cuts around the board. We could really use an extra person going out into the workforce.

But my son needs what he needs.

There really is a point here somewhere. I think it is about how different things can end up than you ever imagined them.

My vision of my life involved two working parents, two children, nice toys and absolutely no bumps in the road.

We have a few toys but nothing fancy. I count my blessings though. How incredibly lucky we are compared to so many other countries.

Many of the dinners I used to cook had help from a box. Now I avoid MSG, would buy organic if I could, and am ever surprised by the contents of my grocery cart. Flax seed is for those crazy, organic food eating people, right?

I make my own laundry detergent and cleaning products, wash my hair with baking soda and condition it with an apple cider vinegar rinse.

Add to that homeschooling and who the heck am I?

But it's okay. I feel like I have ended up where I was supposed to be. It is odd to me how things are so far from where I ever pictured myself. Life is funny like that. Don't you think? And if anybody has some extra valium for the 2009/2010 school year, my address is...

Toe to Toe With Mr. Stubborn

2009-02-13T08:29:00.000-08:00

Sammy has a stubborn streak a mile wide. Make that two miles.

Today we got snow, just a little bit. This happens maybe every three to five years.

He and Azure were very excited to go out in the snow. I handed them snow pants. Azure happily put hers on. Sammy flatly refused. I told him if he didn't wear them he couldn't go in the snow. This was a big mistake. A typical child would have put on the pants. Not Sammy.

He cried and hollered. Azure went outside. He cried louder. I tried reasoning with him to no avail. Then I tried forcing him in the damn pants. He wouldn't wear them so I went outside with Azure. He shrieked out the window.

Finally I told him he could go outside in sweats and a coat but he was grounded from the television, the computer and video games for the rest of the day.

He went outside but, at this point, he was determined to be pissed off.

I took his picture and showed it to him in the viewer. I told him he needed to smile so he pulled the corner of his lips up for the next picture.

I also took a picture of Azure by her snowman.

The snow is gone now but I shall keep my blackmail photos forever.

Whole Lotta Nothin' Going On

2009-01-18T11:01:00.000-08:00

This post hails from what is currently the squabbling children capital of the world. I wonder if the powers that be will call an emergency session of school on Monday just for me and my sanity.

Hubs and I went out to a belated anniversary dinner Saturday night. We went to a local brewery/restaurant we had been waiting to try. We went for the beer and hoped that the food would be good.

We had an onion ring appetizer. They were quite delicious. My husband had fish and chips for dinner. I ordered fish tacos. I knew better. I really did. If a place specializes in burger and steak, ordering fish tacos is not the wisest thing. It's not that they were horrid. It's just that they consisted of a huge hunk of fried fish, the exact kind that was in my husband's fish and chips, and a strange sweet sauce. They were okay but I wouldn't order them again.

That's okay. By the time I drank two beers with 8% alcohol content, I was feeling no pain.

We went to the movies and I had some fun with the previews. I know I've mentioned before that my sense of humor could aptly be described as teenage boy. Put some beers in me and it disintegrates to loud teenage boy. So naturally, when a movie preview came on for Sword of the Stranger I had to loudly laugh and proclaim to my husband, "They could call it one-night stand for short."

Also, there was an ad for the flu shot. Is big pharma everywhere now? After the ad, I commented again to my husband. "Paid for by Pfizer. Please allow us to pump mercury into you."

Disclaimer: I have no idea if Pfizer is the company that makes flu shots. I AM tired of hearing it shoved down my throat that I need one. No thank you. And I don't think less of anybody for getting one either. They are just not for me.

After my two comments, I shut up so I would not be bodily escorted from the theater. Obnoxious drunk, who me?

Since I was savvy enough to pee two times before the movie, I made it all the way through without a bathroom break, a mighty feat indeed.

There is not much else going on in life other than the usual. We made it though Christmas without going further into debt. Yay us!

Also, I think the gifts we gave out this year were more popular. I canned bean soup for my side of the family. I canned beef stew for my husband's side of the family.

My side loves my bean soup but I have the sneaking suspicion his side doesn't. When I ask a question like, "How did you like the bean soup last time I made it?", and my answer is, "Oh, I remember the bean soup," that is a discrete way to say it wasn't a huge hit. If we were Southern, I'm sure the stock answer would somehow involve the phrase, "Bless your heart."

In addition to beef stew and bean soup, I made canned apple pie filling, granola and homemade laundry detergent. I didn't receive any complaints so either my families are happy or their dogs are licking their chops. As long as somebody enjoyed it...

Very soon I will be turning 40. My body is already preparing for this momentous event by increasing the number of gray hairs on my poor head. What's up with that? Did my hair color come with an expiration date? I had planned to run a marathon by the time I was 40. That's not going to happen. But my friend Lael did it for me so all is well. Go Lael!

My son has been begging for a baby. Since my husband and I took care of that ever happening in a permanent way, my MIL purchased him one at the store. I know some people are squeamish about a boy playing with dolls but I hope it's the kind of thing that means he will be a nurturing father some day. He will need the skills if his children act anything like he and his sister are right now.

Sammy and his baby

A Long Boring Autism Related Rant

2009-01-03T15:19:00.000-08:00

I am going to preface this rant by saying it takes a lot to make me mad. I do not get offended easily. But a "friend" IRL offended me very much in December and I can't quit chewing on it. I am hoping if I get it out I can get on to thinking of more productive things.

All of you are probably aware my son has autism. While it is part of my life, it is not an all consuming part of my life. I have one kid with brown eyes, two kids with blue eyes and one of my blue-eyed children happens to have autism.

I never suspected autism at first. After all, I had seen the movie Rain Man. That was autism, right?

So we started out treating for speech delays and my son was also in occupational therapy but I wasn't sure why he needed to be there.

Then his speech therapist said he should be evaluated and I started to get a bit nervous. Then we got a diagnosis of PDD-NOS and I was relieved until I did research and realized that PDD-NOS is autism light. Later, and with further testing, we did get the autism diagnosis.

When I realized it was autism, I was devastated. What was I supposed to do now? Well the first thing I did was get on a very long waiting list for services. Yes, the services are thankfully free but you're in line behind five-hundred other parents.

I did internet research. I changed my son's diet with great results. We took some music classes that were followed by a speech explosion. After a year-long wait, we received ABA therapy. He went to a great pre-school courtesy of the school district when he turned three.

I went from sadness to anger and confusion to "what the hell do I do now" to acceptance.

I have come to the realization that my son is not broken. The therapies are not to "fix" him. The therapies are to help him cope in a world that can be very unforgiving.

There are many things for parents of children on the spectrum to try. There are different diets, therapies, vitamins and supplements. There are so many tests and scans that can be run.

But one thing I feel all the parents of autistic children have in common is we have been given a million-piece jigsaw puzzle. It has no edge pieces and we don't know what the finished picture is going to look like. So we do our best trying different things to solve that puzzle. And we are all in this together.

And really everyone's children have to learn to cope in the world. We do our best to teach them right from wrong, good manners and how to relate to others. My son just happens to need a bit of extra help.

He is funny and smart and wonderful and the only thing I would change is to make life easier for him.

I have a "friend" I met about a year ago. Her daughter had not been diagnosed yet. Her daughter had been hitting all her milestones and then she just regressed. My friend was getting the run around from the people doing the testing and it was obvious something was wrong with her daughter.

I faithfully listened to this friend vent about these things. I made suggestions and was a sounding board. I congratulated her when she got her diagnosis, got services and started bio-medical treatments.

I have seen her daughter change for the better after she did chelation. I have been supportive. No matter what service she got, she would pick it apart and wonder if it was the correct service for her. And still I listened and suggested she pick what she felt was the best choice.

I kept waiting for her to open her eyes to what she did have and to quit being mad at her perceptions of what she didn't have.

This went on until we were talking on the phone just before Christmas and she said in a nasty tone of voice, "Your son isn't even autistic. You should have just sent him to school and explained away his quirks as ADHD."

And then she got off the phone. I was left feeling like I had been hit by a truck. And I thought and thought and thought about this comment. I tried very hard not to be pissed off. But it didn't work.

My son is doing wonderfully and I am grateful for that.

But she wasn't here when I had a baby who constantly screamed in the car. Groceries had to be purchased and kids had to be picked up to school. And there was a baby screaming in the back the whole way.

She wasn't here when he would wake up from his nap and have forty-five minute tantrums that we couldn't console.

She wasn't here when he tried to run in the road while we were picking up my youngest daughter from school.

She wasn't here when I quit going to playgroups because of my son's bizarre behavior.

She's never been here when I put him in time out and he kicks his bedroom door so hard it is splintered.

I was verbally betrayed by somebody in my own community. I couldn't stop being mad and I finally sent her an e-mail today. She can apologize or not. I don't care.

We are all on this ride called parenthood together but I feel for now, she can get the hell off my bus. I hope she doesn't let the door hit her in the ass.

"Gingerbread" Houses

2008-12-21T11:45:00.000-08:00

Azure wanted to build gingerbread houses out of graham crackers. Her classroom was doing it the last day of school but she was sick.

So we did them at home. Azure's house is the big one built of graham crackers. Sammy's is the shorter one built from gluten-free Health Valley Rice Bran Crackers.

I built the main structure of each one. An architect I am not.

Azure added a chimney to hers and decorated it. The animal cracker on top with a red M&M nose is Rudolph.

Sammy dictated a garage/backyard for his. He built the pointed roof on the far right. I'm not sure how it stayed on. He also built the kiss on a stick. That is a "light." He told me the garage/backyard is for his animals to sleep in.

They aren't works of art but we had fun.

Hi Everyone

2008-12-19T18:26:00.000-08:00

I'm still here. I checked all your blogs today and was glad to see you are all doing well.

Merry Christmas!

Thank You

2008-11-11T09:05:00.000-08:00

Have you kissed a Veteran today? No? What are you waiting for?

********************
There is so much to catch up on I can't possibly remember it all.

I'll start with Sammy and his Christmas wishes.

Sammy asked for a ceiling fan in his bedroom for Christmas. Because Sammy is very well loved, his grandfather came up to visit and he and my husband installed one together in October.

Sammy loves his ceiling fan but he had no problem coming up with a replacement present idea. He wants a cell phone that takes pictures.

I've seen one on sale for thirty dollars at Walmart. He really only wants to take pictures so adding minutes to it isn't necessary. Not only is it not necessary, it is not an option.

Little Mr. Dialing fingers dialed 911 from my home phone not long ago. I had no clue until my phone rang and it was the dispatcher on the other end.

I assured her that it was my son and it was a mistake. Then I hung up and scolded him.

Half an hour later a policeman showed up on our porch. Sammy saw him and said, "I don't want to go to the hospital."

The policeman replied, "I don't take people to the hospital. I take them to jail."

Sammy, frantic by now, blurted, "I don't want to go to jail. I LOVE YOU!"

The policeman told him 911 was for emergencies only. Sammy was traumatized. I KNOW he won't be calling 911 again.

The only problem is I think he may be too scared to call if it IS a true emergency.

I can see it now.

"Okay, Mom fell and broke her leg. Should I call 911 or will that policeman come back? THINK, Sammy, THINK!"
********************
He also made Halloween interesting.

After the ringing of the doorbell, ferociously fought over by both siblings, he yelled out, "Trick or Treating!"

Then when the occupant came to the door, he would ask, "Do you have a ceiling fan?" He also attempted to barge into houses to see.

At every house I had to explain that he really loved ceiling fans.

One lady had one on her porch and she let him turn it on, an exciting moment indeed!
********************
With the time change last weekend, I woke up an hour early on Monday. The clock said it was five. My body said it was six.

A better person would have hopped out of bed and made the most of it.

I've never claimed to be a better person.

I went back to sleep.
********************
The root canal went well, what I remember of it.

I took a pill before bed that night, per the instructions. Then I took a pill in the morning. It made me a bit dizzy.

When I got to the dentist, I took another pill under my tongue. Then I took a pill crushed in water. Yick!

Soon I was feeling pretty darn relaxed. They put headphones on my ears with "soothing" music. It wasn't the kind of music I listen to but it turns out I really didn't give a rat's rump by that point.

The dentist numbed me and started drilling. I felt the drill. Normally this is the point where I fly ten feet in the air. Instead I calmly held up my hand. He numbed me exactly in the correct spot.

Fifteen minutes later I was done. It was actually two hours but it FELT like fifteen minutes.

My husband drove me home. I have been told I resembled a bobblehead doll in the passenger seat.

Now I had assumed I would have my appointment that day and be ready to run errands two hours later. Har de har har. I slept most of the day away and all that night. The next day I was still a bit high. Holy guacamole.

If I ever have a root canal again, that's the way I want to go.
********************
We are now dog-free. The dogs have gone to a very nice lady who does Boston Terrier rescue.

Here are things I will and did put up with: Drooling, hair, dog smell, dirt on the wall where they rubbed up against it, farting, snoring, incessant ball licking, sneaking on the couch when I wasn't looking.

But there is a dealbreaker. That would be biting my son when he takes a toy away.

He is fine but we got lucky.

They were and are really great dogs for an adult household. I am sad and I will miss them.

But I know they will be happier where they go. Sammy was too rough. Also, since they will be going to child-free households, chances are they will be the child.

A dog can't ask for more than that.

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T20:23:00.000-07:00

These are gargoyles by the way.

Root Canal - I Don't Need No Stinkin' Root Canal

2008-10-08T08:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my root canal date. Five minutes after I started driving to my appointment the tooth started throbbing. There was some instant motivation to get it fixed!

I arrived at the dentist, checked in and filled out the requisite reams of paperwork.

There was a soothing fountain and mellow music. My tooth stopped hurting quite as much.

They took me back to the chair. The dentist asked if the tooth hurt. I told him yes because I had forgotten my Motrin. The assistant brought me six-hundred milligrams worth.

The dentist reclined me. My sore shoulder started hurting. A five-year old sneaking in your bed every night tends to cause all sorts of back pain. It must be that small patch of bed I get relegated to while he sprawls.

The dentist checked the tooth for pain by tapping it. We verified that it did indeed hurt. He asked if I ever tapped it myself. I resisted the urge to ask why the hell I would want to do that and instead nicely replied that I tried to avoid the tooth.

He put the mask on my face and told me to breathe through my nose. The assistant put headphones on my ears, turned on the television above me and gave me the clicker.

I tried to breathe through my nose but it was really hard. The majority of my childhood was spent catching every available cold/flu germ and I am a mouth breather. But I tried. It was just oxygen at first. Then he added the gas.

Holy guacamole! It smelled horrid. I felt like I was drowning and I couldn't get a breath of fresh air. I was instantly dizzy. Instead of the calm I had hoped for I had the feeling one gets on their twenty-first birthday just before they pass out on the bathroom floor.

I said, "I can't do this!"

They let me up. The dentist asked me what it was about the process I didn't like.

"Is it just the numbing?", he asked.

"No," I blurted loudly. "It's the numbing and the sound of the drill and having my mouth open..."

He was looking a little irked so I tried to ease back on the hysteria a bit.

He said he had another patient to attend to. Could I wait and we would figure out what to do.

So I sat and waited. He came back and he wrote me prescriptions. I take one pill before bed, one pill an hour before the appointment and two pills once I get there. He said I probably won't remember a thing.

But what if my panic overrides the pills? I am so damn petrified that I won't be completely numb and I'll feel that drill. What if the pills don't work? What then?

In the meantime, I've told my husband that if we dressed up for Halloween, I know the perfect his and her costumes.

TA DA!

Minus the stethescope of course

Not Much To Tell

2008-10-05T14:44:00.000-07:00

Complete sentences are not even required to describe life as of late.

Flu for me
Flu for Sammy
Post-nasal drip for me
Run down
Shoulders hurt
Back hurts
Very sleepy
Buddha belly

Yeah, that sums it.

The Panama Canal Sounds Much Nicer

2008-09-25T16:49:00.000-07:00

Due to incessant pain, I finally hauled myself to the dentist. I found a new dentist, one who offers nitrous oxide.

As I expected, it is time for a root canal. ROOT CANAL! There are only two other combinations of words can that make my stomach drop quite as quickly. They are "tax audit" and "unexpected pregnancy."

My dentist referred me to a specialist who does nothing but root canals. He is supposed to be wonderful. But somehow I'm still not excited to see him. October seventh is my D-Day.

Since I've gone from one 800 milligram Motrin a day to three, this is one appointment I won't be cancelling. Sob.

********************

My new dentist, the one who will be doing my fillings, was very kind. At least he had the decency to laugh at my wimpiness after I left the office.

He's very soothing. I call him Doctor Xanax behind his back.

There was a big pile of paperwork to fill out at the first appointment. One of the questions was, "How do you rate your smile on a scale of one to ten?" I put six.

The next question was, "How do you think it would be improved?" I know they wanted me to put tooth whitening so they could give me the spiel. Instead I put facelift. I still got the spiel.

When I came to the question, "What is the most important thing you want from your dentist?", I put PAIN RELIEF.

There was another question right after it about how the dentist could serve my needs and I put PAIN RELIEF.

Surely they got the hint.

********************

Azure joined the cross country team and she has been plodding right along. Yesterday she came in 69th place. They wrote a big black magic marker 69 on my daughter's hand. Snicker.

I think there were probably 72 kids but she was very proud of herself. We went to the grocery store and she told everyone who would listen, "I came in 69th in the race."

My husband stayed home yesterday to help with Sammy. Sammy's ABA falls at the same time as Azure's track meets. Scheduling has been a bitch.

I actually got to watch this track meet vs. last weeks track meet which went something like this.

"Sammy quit climbing those stairs!"

"Sammy, I SAID quit climbing those stairs.

Getting up and running after him, "GET OFF THE STAIRS!"

Also throw in these other phrases, repeated at least 999 times each.

"Sammy get off the track. The runners are coming!"

"You have to go to the bathroom AGAIN?"

"Sammy quit shuffling your feet. You're raising dirt on everyone."

"Sammy quit climbing the fence!"

I am feeling very ragged and rundown lately. If anybody can figure out why, give me a call.

********************

The most notable "Sammyism" of late was in the grocery store tonight when he saw the elderly black lady.

He walked up to her and said, "I'm white and you're brown?"

"Yes," she said, "Want to touch my arm?"

He touched her arm and then kept saying in a wondering tone, "I'm white and you're brown."

She didn't mind but he wouldn't stop and I explained to her that he has A-U-T-I-S-M and tends to repeat himself.

There is not enough hair dye in the world to cover this gray.

The Season Starts

2008-09-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

I'm not talking about sports or television. I'm talking about the cold/flu season. Sammy and I already had the first colds of the year. Azure was right behind us but hers has gone to asthma as usual. We made our routine trip to the doctor today for an inhaler.

********************

After my dental crown experience, I neglected to find a new dentist. Yes, I know dental health is important. As soon as they can figure a way for me to sleep through the whole thing, I'm on board with getting some work done again.

The crown has decided recently that day has come. At the very least, I plan on finding somebody who offers nitrous oxide.

I need somebody soon before the crown falls off. I'll be boiled in hot oil before I go back to Dentist "Vee have vays of making you talk."

********************

Sammy is beginning to adjust to school. His aide said he is doing very well.

She did have a few complaints:

1. He chews with his mouth open.
2. He picks his nose on purpose to gross the other kids out (eats it too).
3. He jokes about farts with the other boys.

I can get that one and two need to be corrected but number three is normal male behavior, right?

********************

He is also supposed to start learning to pack his own lunches.

The ABA tutors come by to run his programs. We get to the lunch packing program. I lay out the food.

He makes his lunch and THEN he eats it. The lunch isn't making it into the lunchbox.

At least the boy likes to eat!

********************

The dieting is going well. I take one Alli a day with the highest fat meal.

Most of my meals are extremely low in fat so it's hard to pick a meal sometimes.

I'm also jogging on the treadmill but I'm not back to lifting weights yet.

The treadmill times are getting a lot better though. When I was eating like a pig, I struggled a lot with the treadmill. Jogging is much easier when you are eating healthier.

Why did it take me so long to figure this one out?

I Was Tagged By

2008-09-11T15:35:00.000-07:00

LAEL

1. What were you doing ten years ago:
Growing child number two in my womb and driving everybody crazy with my pregnancy hormones.

2. Five things on my to do list for today:
a) Clean kitchen - got that one done.
b) Make dinner.
c) Try to teach my son some social play skills
d) Move the laundry from the washer to the dryer and start another load
e) Find out where to order Juice2 vitamins, if that is indeed what they are called.

3. What is your favorite snack?
It depends on my mood. My current craving is dried, roasted, salted edamame. Oh so good and fattening of course.

4. If I were a millionaire I would
Pay off all our debt.
Send all the kids to really good colleges.
Help my family if they needed it.
Hire a personal trainer and chef.
Donate to various charities - my two favorite causes are homelessness and autism

Wait a minute - is this a millionare as in just one million or is it a millionaire as in millions? We all know one million doesn't go very far nowadays.

5. Places I have lived:
Palmyra, ME
Fort Dix, NJ - basic training
Fort Benjamin Harrison, IN - more military training
Porterville, CA
San Jose, CA

6. Five people I'm tagging:
The first five people to comment on this. Ha ha!

I'm a Grumpy Old Troll Who Lives Under the Bridge

2008-09-01T20:07:00.000-07:00

Lots has changed in life lately but the one constant for the last month seems to be that I'm a miserable troll.

Can PMS last for a whole month?

I am behind on answering e-mails and popping into blogs because when I get the blues/bitch thing going on, I avoid people. This includes my family who have all noticed I have mentally checked out.

But enough of that.

A friend of Jupiter's has a Dad who is a mechanic and works on a car lot. He found Jupiter the perfect car for a thousand dollars. My mother loaned her the money.

I will save the story of picking it up for later. It makes me tired to think of it.

The car is a 1989 Chevy Blazer. While the miles are high, it has obviously been well loved and cared for. The upholstery and engine are in excellent shape. She adores it and I am happy that she has a pair of wheels.

Boots received a ride in it and he loves it too as does Sammy.

Jupiter is moving in with my mother who lives four hours south of us. I hope she helps around the house while she lives there and doesn't run my Mom ragged.

In other news I am channeling Jaba the Hutt. Why is it that when you most need to exercise in order to make yourself feel better, you feel the least like it?

I am fat and out of shape. I start on Alli tomorrow. Please everybody cross your fingers that I don't soil myself. Wouldn't that impress the other parents when I picked my kids up at school?

My son may need to go to the dr tomorrow. He kept saying his "whinny" hurt yesterday. As the day progressed he appeared to develop elephantitis of the penis. I am soaking him in salt baths and applying yeast cream but if it hasn't subsided tomorrow we will be taking him to the doctor for the ultimate indignity - a whinny exam.

Gluten-free baking has not been going well without eggs. Oh my gosh the crap I have turned out. It is like the early days when we first went gluten-free. After two years I got quite good at it and then the damn eggs had to go.

I made some popovers using flax seeds to replace the eggs and they looked like smashed toads, all speckly on the outside and slimy in the middle. Back to the drawing board for me.

If it can be done, I will find a way.

Whining or Stupid Spoiled American

2008-08-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

Today I'm going to whine about stuff that is absolutely trivial. It's my blog and I will whine if I want to, whine if I want to, whine if I want to...

Now that I've infested you with an ear worm, on to it!

ICE CREAM

Ice cream isn't something I buy a lot. We could all stand to lose a few pounds, more than a few in fact.

It is a nice occasional treat though.

Imagine my surprise when I noticed at the store last week that ice cream on sale costs five dollars - ON SALE!

The kicker was the bastards shrunk the carton again. A carton of ice cream used to be two quarts. Then it shrunk to one and three quarters quarts. Now it is one and a half quarts. Did they think we wouldn't notice? C'mon!

It wasn't just one company. They all shrunk the size. Isn't this collusion, price gouging, SOMETHING?

One of the reasons dairy is so high is because it is being shipped to other countries. Hey, here's an idea. DON'T SHIP IT TO OTHER COUNTRIES!

It's bad enough that all the jobs are getting sent overseas. Don't send my ice cream too! Unpatriotic bastards!

*************************

PEANUT ALLERGY

A teacher in my son's pre-school had peanut allergy. He was never allowed to pack peanut butter.

I was so excited that when he started kindergarten he could finally pack peanut butter.

Guess what! There is a kid with peanut allergy so he can't pack peanut butter. GAAAAHHH!

Keep in mind that I do not want to kill anybody's kid. Peanut allergy is scary.

BUT my son can't have wheat or dairy or egg and he shouldn't have soy. Can you see my lunch packing dilemma here?

My son wants sandwiches. He wants to be like everybody else.

I can buy him gluten-free, vegan bread. But what kind of sandwich can I make him?

Egg salad is out!

Most lunch meats are loaded with nitrates/nitrites. He's not supposed to have those.

I can buy Hormel naturals lunch meat but I can't make a sandwich with mayonaisse or Miracle whip because they contain EGG.

He doesn't like mustard and vegan mayo is made with soy.

So lunch meat sandwich is out unless I use soy.

There's always tuna. But wait. That needs to be mixed with mayo to taste decent, plus it's filled with mercury. My son tends to hold toxins in his body rather than shed them so we don't need mercury.

I have purchased sunflower seed spread. It tasted similar to peanut butter, better I thought. He hated it.

Almond butter and cashew butter are usually pressed on the same equipment as peanuts so we were told that was out.

Sorry that you want a sandwich son, but somebody's peanut allergy has trumped your right to have a normal lunch.

Why can't they do a separate table set far away from the other kids for peanut butter lunches? Lots of schools do that.

Even better - take all the kids with peanut allergy and send them to a far corner to have lunch.

Ooh. I've got it. How about I demand everybody else's children eat lunches free of wheat, dairy, egg and soy?

Sigh.
********************

COMPANIES TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HIGHER GAS PRICES TO BEND US OVER

When I've gone to the grocery store lately, I've noticed prices aren't rising just a little bit. They are shooting up overnight.

I'm not talking about five or ten cents. I'm talking about a bottle of oil going from three dollars to six or seven. Some items might rise by only thirty cents but ten items that are thirty cents higher equal another three dollars in my grocery cart.

I realize gas prices are up and companies have to make up the difference. But here's the kicker. Kraft Foods, alone, has increased profits of eight percent!

The companies are raising prices higher than they need to and then yelling that the gas prices forced them to do it. Uh-huh.

I realize this is a capitalist country and I'm all about the right to make a profit. But gouging - that makes me grind my teeth.

Next year may be the year I attempt a garden. You can't gouge me if I'm not buying your darn food now, can you?

And They're Off!

2008-08-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

Sammy woke up quite late this morning but his ABA wasn't until after school so it was okay by me. Kid up late equals more time to enjoy solitary coffee.

He got up, ate breakfast and watched some PBS before it was time for school. I tried sneaking vitamins in his juice but I snuck in too many and he tasted them. I added Super Nu-Thera, the vitamin du jour of autism, some strawberry fish oil and some astragalus. Tomorrow morning I'll try sneaking in the astragalus by itself and deal with the others later.

His lunch wasn't much different than Azure's. I packed him an individual chocolate soy milk. (Thank you Costco.) I also packed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, chips with homemade guacamole and blueberries. Guacamole doesn't sound like a health food but he is quite thin and I try to plump him up. Avocado is some good stuff.

The teacher had sent a name tag to pin to his shirt for the first day. I pinned it on and we went in the bathroom to brush his teeth. He saw the reflection of his name in the mirror and told me I put it on "upside down."

I had to explain to him that it just looked that way in the mirror.

Then he brushed and managed to get toothpaste on his clean shirt. I wiped it off. He noticed that he couldn't undo the snap on his new shorts. We tried a few times and he still couldn't. Fortunately the shorts were adjustable so I made them just big enough that he could slip them up and down to go potty.

I STILL remember in first grade wearing some corduroy pants I couldn't unsnap and ending up peeing myself. Seriously it scarred me for life!

I got him off to school. He didn't want to stay until a little girl showed up that he knew. It was surprising to me exactly how maudlin I felt upon leaving the last baby at "big kid school."

I went home and did some dishes, cleaned the bathroom, mopped the floors and ran to the grocery store.

When I picked him up, he told me he wasn't coming home with me. I said, "So do you want to go again tomorrow?"

He said, "That's okay, I don't want to."

There was a pretty major meltdown after school and during ABA. I have the claw marks on my arm to show it. There have been too many changes of routine lately.

It will be hell for a few weeks but all will settle down eventually. It always does.

One Down One To Go

2008-08-18T08:14:00.001-07:00

She really was happy. I think I caught her unprepared.

Today is the first day of school in case nobody caught me crowing about it in my last post.

Azure goes in the morning but Sammy doesn't have to go until the afternoon. This is a good thing since he is still asleep.

Azure was very excited. She was also very talkative at 6:30 in the morning. Ugh. I can't even form a coherent sentence that early.

I offered to make waffles but she only wanted a bowl of cereal. (breakfast candy)

She ate her cereal while I attempted to make coffee. Our coffee maker seems to have taken a crap. Hopefully I'm wrong. Please let me be wrong. We tend to worship at the altar of the Cuisinart Grind and Brew.

Azure put on her first day outfit with her new matching shoes. Only she informed me the shoes didn't fit. Since they had fit, according to her, when we purchased them at the store, I can only conclude she was tired of shopping and said they fit so we could be done. So instead of the black flats with the black outfit, she wore big clunky white tennis shoes. Oh well.

Lunch took about twenty minutes to pack. Did I mention I'm groggy in the morning? She is supposed to have a morning snack so I packed Ritz crackers with peanut butter for snack. Lunch was peanut butter and jelly, a water bottle, carrots and ranch and some blueberries sprinkled with a bit of sugar. Sammy and I like blueberries natural but little Miss Tooth Decay likes her sugar.

School starts at eight. It is a mile and a half away but we had to leave the house at seven forty-three. We also had to park a bit further away than usual. First day traffic is brutal.

I told her to walk near somebody because there is safety in numbers. She informed me that she KNEW how to look out for traffic. I'm not worried about her looking out for traffic. I'm worried about traffic looking out for her! If you want to find the very worse drivers in the world, watch school traffic in the morning. It's amazing. One wonders how some of these people managed to reproduce.

So off she went with her backpack and her big bag of school supplies. The house is quiet. I'm having my coffee. All is well.

Back To School Time

2008-08-16T17:29:00.000-07:00

Both of the younger children start school Monday. To say I am thrilled is an understatement. One would think I'm in a Broadway musical the way I'm dancing around.

They have been running around the house for the last two weeks, screeching and fighting like a pair of rabid badgers. Taking them to the park to let them burn off energy hasn't been working. They are plainly tired of the lack of routine and these four walls. If the teachers knew what was coming their way, they would probably go on strike.

We went today to see which class Azure was in. Every year the school waits until the very last minute to post this information. We found her room number and walked to the door. The supply list was hanging on the door and the door was also ajar. Her new teacher just happened to be in.

This is the first teacher I have loved on sight. She had bleached blonde ratted hair, very eighties. She was wearing blue eyeshadow and jeans. She also gave off a very mellow vibe, probably the way she keeps her sanity dealing with a room of fourth graders.

Sammy ran up to her and hugged her and promptly said, "Save me from my Mom."

Thanks kid!

Way to make a first impression.
********************
The kids each have one new first day of school outfit. Other than that I only did the necessary shopping. Azure needed new shoes, underwear and (gasp) itty-bitty bras.

Sammy's new outfit for the first day is ultra cool. I purchased him some little black shorts with white skulls on them since he is so very bad to the bone. Heh heh.

Azure actually let me get her a feminine outfit for the first day, a long shirt and leggings. Be still my beating heart, it didn't have a blasted dragon on it.
********************
I stocked up at the grocery store for lunch stuff. The kids have carrot sticks, apples and blueberries to go with their sandwiches. I am making some vegan ranch dressing for Sammy to dip his carrot sticks in. I also purchased some avacados to make him some guacamole, one of his favorite treats.

Let's see how long I can go this year packing healthy stuff before I give up and throw in some chips.

Baking bread for Sammy's lunch is even harder now as we have found out he is allergic to egg in addition to wheat and dairy. Thank goodness for soy and peanut butter!
********************
Tomorrow I will be picking up school supplies, washing laundry and getting completely ready for Monday.

School sweet school. Kids might hate it but I adore it.

I Don't Usually Ask For Anything But...

2008-08-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

There is a fellow blogger on my list who goes by Undomestic.

HTML is not working for me. Here is her blog address. www.undomestic.blogspot.com

She was diagnosed with a very aggressive breast cancer in August of 2007. She blogged about her treatemnts and her feelings during this time. She also blogged about her children and her family and everyday life. She has three of the most beautiful children you have ever seen.

She very recently finished her chemo and radiation and the cancer was gone. Only she was having headaches.

It turns out that when she was catscanned after her diagnosis, her brain was not scanned. The cancer is in her brain so she has to start this battle all over again.

If any of you have an in with God or can go give her some words of encouragemnt, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks guys.

When Life Hands You Lemons Buy a Six Pack of Coronas to go With Them

2008-08-05T19:14:00.000-07:00

Well I can dwell and be depressed or I can keep busy while waiting for things to resolve. I think I'll keep busy.

A good friend brought by some summer squash from her garden last night. I also had on hand some tomatoes my in-laws had given me. Tonight we had a delcious vegetable casserole with our dinner. It contained garlic, onion, squash and tomatoes. I topped it with gluten-free bread crumbs and cashew cheese. (I can't call it nut cheese anymore. My husband laughs too much.) It was a wonderful and delicious way to use up nature's bounty.
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The kids and I went south this weekend to visit my parents, a four hour drive. Those little DVD players that plug into your car socket are ingenious. I could give the person who invented them a big ole kiss maybe even some oral sex.

Anyway it was a great visit. My mother did all the cooking and cleaning. I felt guilty but thoroughly enjoyed it regardless.

On the way down Azure pointed out an orchard to Sammy and asked him if he thought the trees were pretty.

He said that they were and somebody might want to stop and pee on them.

Is this a guy thing?
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I've mentioned cafemom on here before, my favorite spectator sport. It's fun to watch somebody make a post and then see the fur fly.

I decided to open a new account and make a fake post to see what people would say. Here was my post. I spelled some words incorrectly on purpose.

"I hope somebody can help me. I have the worst problim.

My husband farts all night long. In the morning the bedroom stinks so bad that I can't stand it. The first thing I like to do in the morning is have a cigarette. Only it stinks too bad in the room for me to stay. I'm also afraid that if I light a match all the gas will make the room explode.

I can't go in another room. This is the only room in the house I can smoke in because the kids are not allowed in my room.

Can somebody tell me if their is some kind of pill I can give my husband so he doesn't smell so bad?"

I then had to give the computer up to my husband for about 25 minutes. When I sat down to read all the scathing replies on the dangers of secondhand smoke and swamp gas, my post was gone, as was my fake account!

Cafemom doesn't allow multiple accounts, darn them.

I know the only reason it got deleted was because it got heated. There's nothing like stirring the pot and not even getting to taste the soup. :-(

One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest

2008-08-04T19:52:00.000-07:00

Tonight my oldest child left home.

It was not a happy decision on anybody's part. It was not the way I imagined her leaving home, maybe moving into a dorm or an apartment.

She chafed at our rules, things like curfews and no boys spending the night.

When my husband caught her spooning a male friend at 2:30 in the morning, she couldn't imagine why he was upset.

I am so weary of fighting with her. I am weary of the constant pushing of the boundaries. I'm tired of being told that I am unreasonable and everybody else's parents let them do it.

It's simple to me. Follow the rules and live here. Not so simple for her it seems.

So she is gone and my chest hurts.

And that's life and it sucks.

Happy Birthday to an 18-Year Old

2008-07-30T18:08:00.000-07:00

Today my oldest child is eighteen - EIGHTEEN. I'm not sure how it happened. Watching your kids grow is like holding a fistful of water. No matter how tightly you try to hold it, it slips through your fingers.

I remember when she was born. I was going to be the perfect parent. I would always understand and never yell. I would definitely never say, "Because I SAID SO."

Mwahahahahahahaha.

We have gone through all the firsts with her, first lost tooth, first training bra, first boyfriend, first boyfriend that made her cry, first driver's license...Yikes!

Somehow despite numerous parenting blunders, she has turned out great. Her first year of college starts in August. My wallet is thankful that it is a community college.

She will be majoring in drama, something she has been majoring in around the house for the last eighteen years.

It's fun to see what kind of person she is becoming. I hope her future is as grand as I imagine it.

The Vacation

2008-07-20T12:06:00.000-07:00

I'd like to post a really exciting vacation story. But I don't have one. Sorry.

Our vacation started like every other vacation with me frantically washing clothes, checking packing lists and trying not to forget anything vital.

I noticed our neighbor across the street hadn't opened his garage door yet and it was already seven in the morning. This doesn't sound ominous but I swear this man leaves his house every day at six sharp and starts walking up and down the street staring at people. We were in the midst of a heat wave and visions of his overheated carcass moldering in his house were flashing in my head. Just as I was getting ready to peek in his windows and/or call the police to check on him, he came out of his house. Phew.

I don't know about the rest of you but starting out a vacation with a dead neighbor just seems like a bad omen to me.

The second part of our vacation, packing and driving four hours being the first, was leaving the kids with the in-laws. Mwahahahahaha!

The third part of our vacation was the fun part, just me and hubby in a motel room. Nobody was whining at us that they were bored. We had a TV watching, beer-drinking fest. Hey, it may be pitiful to the rest of you but it was just what we needed.

We took a walk down near the assorted piers the first night and a walk on the beach the second day. But honestly, the majority of our vacation was spent sitting on our butts.

The most active day we had was in Solvang, CA. It's a Danish style town about an hour and a half from Morro Bay. The big draw for my husband was Danish sausage and ebelskivers, both of which I find gross. Ebelskivers are ball-shaped, pancake like dough balls that are served with (gag) raspberry jelly. When you try to chew them, they stick to the roof of your mouth like glue.

Out of sheer desperation, I asked the waitress if they had any gluten-free breads. She thought I was asking for glue and told me they had tape if I wanted some. Hey, if I'd wanted glue, I'd have ordered ebelskivers. Sadly, this is more the way things go when trying to dine out gluten-free rather then the exception to the rule.

So that's the recap of our wild vacation. I hope everyone hung onto their seats while reading this.

The bright side of it all is nobody will ever see me in an "Old Hags Gone Wild" video.

Recovery Time

2008-07-19T11:23:00.001-07:00

We are back from vacation. Much fun was had, perhaps too much. I have an ear infection and am feeling perpetually hung over.

For now, some pics.

Ginormous jelly fish

Hubby and jellyfish

Morro Rock at Morro Bay, California

Starfish. Alas, we couldn't find a pineapple

I'll Be Back Next Weekend, Promise

2008-07-10T20:24:00.000-07:00

While we aren't leaving town quite yet, it takes me several days to pack. I pack up two kids, one husband and myself.

Inevitably, I forget the camera.

Then there is the stopping of the mail and papers, balancing the checkbook, baking the special gluten-free foods so our son doesn't starve while we are on the road, etc.

I should be back by the 19th or thereabouts, hopefully with pictures since I am going to try to remember the camera this time.

Not To Be Rude But...

2008-07-01T16:03:00.001-07:00

Okay, am I the ONLY one tired of hearing sentences start with "Not to be rude but...?" Because the person IS going to be rude.

I told my MIL this and she said her unfavorite phrase is "thinking outside the box".

What's yours?
********************
I snuck into bed Sunday night and sprawled out. Heaven.

Within two minutes, the hallway light was on. Sammy peeked into the bedroom and saw me. His eyes lit up.

"Can I sweep wif you?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"YOU MEAN I CAN SWEEP WIF YOU!"

He got into bed with me only to start complaining his toenail was bugging him. When he started biting it, I took him to the bathroom to clip it.

We laid back down.

Then I noticed he didn't smell very good.

So we got up and gave him a military wash, clean shirt and underwear.

We laid down again.

Then he wanted my arm around him. The kid is about as big around as a drinking straw so I always feel like I'm going to crush him.

I gingerly put my arm around him. He was happy and went to sleep.

How I love that boy.

I Am the Ant Slayer

2008-06-28T16:02:00.001-07:00

Every year, as soon as the heat hits, in march the ants on their annual forage for water.

This year I decided to try some natural methods to kill them. There were a few reasons for this.

1. I didn't want poison in the house. (not counting corn sryup and trans fats)
2. I wanted to save money.
3. None of the three pest control companies I called would answer the phone.

My first attempt at natural pest control was scattering cornmeal on the floor. The ants are supposed to take it to the nest, eat it and then explode because they can't digest it.

It didn't work. Too bad because the idea of exploding ants filled me with glee.

My second attempt was sprinkling Borax on the edges of the kitchen counter. It seemed to work. I cleaned it up after two days. The next day, not only were those bastards back, they'd brought their cousins with them.

My third attempt came out of desperation. They had crawled into the cereal cupboard. I buy my cereal on sale, but still you almost need a second mortgage to afford the shit.

This was war!

I filled a saucer with honey and Borax and put it in the cereal cupboard. I also placed one on the counter across from the cupboard.

The ants went crazy. They were ringing the saucer and running up the sides of the cupboard as fast as their nasty little ant legs could carry them.

The next day they were still there but not quite as thick.

By the third day they were gone. I saw two, promptly killed them, then cleaned the counter with a 50/50 mixture of white vinegar and water. (The vinegar kills their scent trail.)

What happened was they took the Borax back to the nest, shared it with the others and they all died. The thought of their deaths fills me with way too much joy. I won't be seeking counseling.
********************
Another natural thing I'm trying is cleaning the bathroom with Borax and lemon juice. It looks clean but I can't seem to rid myself of the conviction that my lungs must be burning for my bathroom to actually be clean.

Nobody has died from any dread diseases yet so it might be okay.

I'm also diluting my shampoo by fifty percent with water. My hair looks clean, okay well, actually I didn't style it today so it looks scary. I'm pretty sure it smells clean though.
********************
My husband and I are going to Morro Bay in July while his folks get stuck with the kids. We are having three nights alone, ALONE. What will we do without somebody yelling that they are BORED or HUNGRY every two minutes?

Eh, we'll figure something out.

The motel even has a hot tub so I can wear my granny suit in it. Maybe that will scare the other bathers out.

If not, maybe I'll offer them a saucer of honey and Borax.

Two Ice Cream Recipes, One With Dairy, One Vegan

2008-06-18T09:07:00.000-07:00

Homemade Ice Cream

2 cups milk
1 3/4 cups sugar
1/2 tsp salt
2 cups 1/2 & 1/2
1 TBS vanilla
4 cups whipping cream

Heat the milk until it forms bubbles on the edges. Turn off the heat. Add the sugar and salt. Let dissole. Add the 1/2 & 1/2, whipping cram & vanilla. Freeze in your ice cream container for half an hour before churning.

Now here's the vegan one with a rambling narrative of course.

My very first try at casein-free ice cream was an utter disaster. So I stuck to buying the So Delicious brand for my son. While my son enjoyed it, it wasn't cheap. Plus it didn't have the creaminess of real ice cream.

Recently I did more research. I found an excellent vegan ice cream blog at veganicecream.blogspot.com.

This gave me a guideline for how to make vegan ice cream.

I then decided to convert my old dairy-filled ice cream recipe. It called for whipping cream and half and half. Since those ingredients weren't an option, I picked coconut milk for the fat content.

The ice cream doesn't taste like coconut milk. There is just enough coconut milk in it to give it a creamy texture.

I also added some soy margarine for extra fat. For those who can't have soy, I would replace the margarine with 1/4 cup safflower oil or 1/4 cup canola or an additional 1/4 cup of your milk sub.

My milk sub was vanilla almond milk which also contains soy. Any vanilla milk sub would be good. We are big fans of almond milk and it was on sale. So that's what we used.

So without further ado, here is the ice cream recipe.

Carolyn's World Famous Vegan Ice Cream

1 can coconut milk
2 cartons vanilla almond milk (You won’t use all the almond milk)
¼ cup Earth Balance margarine
1 ¾ cups sugar
½ tsp salt
1 TBS vanilla
6 TBS corn starch or 4 TBS arrowroot starch

Mix the coconut milk with enough vanilla milk to make 7 ¾ cups total. Reserve half a cup and pour the rest into a large saucepan.

Add the Earth Balance, sugar and salt to the saucepan with the milk.

Heat just until it starts to boil.

While the saucepan is heating, whisk the corn starch into the reserved half cup of milk.

As soon as the saucepan starts to boil, remove from heat. Add the corn starch/milk mixture and stir until dispersed throughout. The mixture should begin to thicken.

Add the vanilla.

Pour the ingredients into your ice cream freezer. Let cool completely before making ice cream according to your ice cream maker’s directions. It is very important to let it cool completely so you don’t end up with ice cream sludge.

Good luck keeping the rest of the family out of it.

Busy, Busy, Busy

2008-06-12T17:42:00.000-07:00

We have been here, there, and everywhere lately.

I'll start with Sammy. His IEP was June 3rd. It was EXCELLENT.

He will be starting mainstream kindergarten in the fall. He also was accepted into the (free) Montessori charter at his school. Happy dance, happy dance!

The school district said they will supply an aide for an hour a day and if it turns out he needs more than an hour, he will get more.

From what I've read, this is unusual for a school district to be so forthcoming with the help. More happy dance.
********************
In an attempt to save money and the environment, I made homemade laundry detergent.

It uses Fels Naptha, washing soda and borax. I also added some essential oils to it. The oil blend was called stress relief.

Although we are only on day two of summer vacay, I feel the need to go bury my head in the laundry detergent bucket and breathe.

I was eager to wash laundry this morning so I could check it out. It worked great. My clothes look clean. They smell clean. So I assume they are clean.

Now if I can only learn how to weave my own toilet paper...
********************
The summer library program starts Monday with a kick-off party. We will be attending of course.

There will be face painting. Every parent knows face painting is the one thing your child MUST HAVE. Then you wait in line for an hour because each kid asks the face painter to something with the detailing of the Sistine Chapel.

My kids are getting their faces painted by me BEFORE we leave the house. My Momma didn't raise no fool.
********************
In the last two days we have been to the library, the park and the play structure at Carl's Jr.

No matter how many places I take them they are BORED the minute we get home. It's going to be a loooooong summer.
********************
I made the perfect dairy-free ice cream from scratch on Tuesday.

It rocked.

I modestly named it Carolyn's World Famous Ice Cream.

It could happen someday

My Inner Smart Ass

2008-06-04T06:46:00.000-07:00

Somebody posted this article on cafemom.

(CBS) An eight-year-old Indiana girl swallowed 30 magnets and steel balls from a toy last month and, her father says, needed emergency surgery to save her from what doctors told him were eight gunshot or stab-like holes in her intestines.

Haley Lents told Early Show co-anchor Maggie Rodriguez Monday she ingested the ten magnets and 20 steel balls because they "looked like candy."

Haley's father, Jason Lents, told CBS News he "really" doesn't understand how Haley could have consumed the parts, because she "gets A's and B's, and we taught her not to do stuff like this."

Jason says doctors told him Haley is lucky to be alive. She spent two weeks in the hospital.

He says he and his wife were in the same room as Haley in their Huntingburg home when she consumed the items, and they didn't even realize it. He says they rushed Haley to the hospital two days later when she began experiencing pain so severe she could barely stand up.

The parts came from a toy called Magnetix, made by Mega Brands, which issued a statement about the incident: ""Mega Brands was saddened to learn that a child sustained injury from ingesting a large number of toy parts, some of which apparently contained magnets. While we have not been able to confirm whether the toy involved was a MEGA Brands product, it is clear this was a highly unusual and isolated situation and is not indicative of any problem with Mega Brands' magnetic construction toys currently on the market. In general, if a child swallows 30 pieces of any toy, it is likely that it will result in harm regardless of the toy in question."

Haley told Rodriguez she wants other kids to know they shouldn't eat toy parts.

Jason also wants to get the word out. He pointed out to Rodriguez that, "These are high intensity magnets. There are so many parents out there that have no idea that these toys -- it just takes two magnets to kill someone. ... And because they are so easy to swallow ... (Mega Brands hasn't) done enough. Now, Mega ... has said that, coming out in July of '08, next month, that they have a completely redesigned magnetic set that contains no magnetic parts that can be swallowed. ... They obviously feel that there's an issue."

I couldn't help but leave a comment. My comment?

How is it that they took two days to realize this? Didn't they notice she was sticking to the fridge?

I'm glad the other mom had a sense of humor.

New Beginnings

2008-05-31T06:30:00.001-07:00

There have been two graduates in my family in the last two weeks. One is my oldest daughter. She graduated from high school. The other is my son who graduated from preschool.

While I attended both graduations, I didn't actually see either one of them get their diplomas.

My daughter's graduation was scheduled for seven-thirty on a Friday night. She had to be at school by five-thirty. She called me on the phone to tell me she had to park very far away as the road was already filled with cars. Since we weren't dressed and our sitter wasn't showing up until six-thirty, there wasn't much we could do.

We were at the gates by six-fifty, tickets in hand. Each graduate had been given five tickets. The people with tickets were to be let in before seven. The people without were to be let in after seven.

The minute we got to the gate everybody was let in early. Imagine if gas were on sale for a dollar twenty-five a gallon and the first person to win the foot race got to fill their tank for a year at that price. That's how fast everybody STAMPEDED into the bleachers, leaving a spot in the nosebleed section.

How far away were we?

My daughter is down there. She's the one in the green robe. This picture was taken with my lens zoomed in as far as it could go.

This is a picture without the camera zoomed in.

I eventually stood up near the fence to watch but I still couldn't see her. When I heard her name, I screamed so loud that the boys in front of me turned around and said, "Wow that's some enthusiasm."

Too bad she didn't hear me. Next time I'm taking an air horn.

The school choir, in which she is a member, sang two songs. I told her that she hadn't mentioned to me she'd be singing at graduation. She told me she didn't think it was that important. Sigh.

My son's graduation was on a Thursday afternoon. Usually his preschool does it outside on the grass. This year they did it inside the classroom.

While my daughter's graduating class had about four hundred and fifty students, my sons class seemed to have four hundred and fifty parents.

This was my view of my son's graduation.

Sensing a theme here?

Since my daughter had graduated in a robe, my son was more than willing to put his on. Normally there would have been no way he would have donned it.

In the case of both my son and daughter, pictures were taken by their respective schools of them receiving their diploma. So even though I couldn't see, I still have two visual mementos.

I also took a picture of my daughter after her ceremony.

She is off to a two year college in the fall. After she's collected all the cheap credits she can, we'll send her to a four year college.

She is interested in choir and photography. She received a very nice camera for graduation with a telephoto lens and all the bells and whistles. She's very good at taking pictures and especially skilled at cleaning them up with photoshop. Maybe I'll have her take some pics of me and then blur out a chin or three.

I have a picture of my son before his ceremony.

My son is headed off to mainstream kindergarten, MAINSTREAM kindergarten, something I never dreamed of two short years ago. He will probably need an aide which the school district won't want to supply. I can even understand that from their point of view, as aides cost money.

It's a good think I'm fingerprinted with the district since I'll probably be working as an unpaid aide in the fall, huh?

School is still not out for my son and youngest daughter. June 10Th is their last day.

We can hardly wait.

I'll Grow Up Someday

2008-05-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

Should I be scared that I'm enjoying being mean so much?

Mr. Roarke called. He wants his suit back.

White Diamonds.

This gentleman wrote that he wanted to enjoy "wholesome" conversation with somebody. Wholesome is a code word for what?

If you are too lazy to post a picture that doesn't include your ex-girlfriend, you're probably too lazy to change the toilet paper roll.

More Snarky Fun

2008-05-12T10:16:00.000-07:00

It seems to me that if I were posting my picture to a "rate me" website, I would want to look somewhat intelligent and or attractive.

But maybe I'm wrong. Here are some more "rate me" pics. Look if you dare.

Will never be spotted singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T at the karaoke bar.

I couldn't figure out the hand sign until I saw his fingernails. I think it is ASL for "send soap and water, please."

Call Geico. A caveman is loose.

Does anyone remember the joke about the elephant, the mouse and the Porsche?

Acting Like a Twelve-Year Old

2008-05-10T22:03:00.000-07:00

I'm probably the last person on the planet to know this but there is a website called Hot or Not. People post their pics and you can go rate them. Cue evil laugh here.

Well of course I navigated to this site as soon as I heard of it. And I had the pleasure of rating others ANONYMOUSLY! I only wished I could put in comments such as, "Clean your bedroom you damn pig." Or "Holy Moly, you look like a serial killer."

But my favorite pic of all of them was this one. I wanted to say, "Hey, would you like me to pass the Charmin?"

What do you think?

Computer Troubles

2008-05-09T13:38:00.001-07:00

Hello all.

My computer monitor took a dump. I am currently on my husband's computer but he uses Mozilla Firefox, which I despise.

While I will be checking my e-mails sporadically, I will probably not be blogging until I can afford a new monitor.

Thanks,
Carolyn

Road Trip

2008-05-01T18:49:00.000-07:00

Jasmine has her senior trip tomorrow. She is going to an amusement park in Vallejo. The next day she has a choir festival in Santa Clara about sixty-five miles away.

The school officials in charge of transportation, in their infinite wisdom, somehow managed to arrange transportation to the park BUT there is no transportation from the park to Santa Clara.

So unless I want my daughter standing on the side of the highway with her thumb in the air, I will be showing up to give her a ride.

The good news is that we had purchased some tickets for Great America (in Santa Clara) through my huband's company. I spent my birthday money on those instead of on a tattoo. So we will be taking the kids to Great America on Saturday. Woo-hoot!

I can't wait to see if Sammy is tall enough for a roller coaster or if he will ride one.

I promise to get around to checking all your blogs on Sunday!
********************
Jasmine's boyfriend broke up with her on prom night. At least he waited until after the dance.

Her boyfriend prior to this broke up with her on her 16th birthday.

If she ever marries I will spend the whole wedding day biting my nails.

She has been very depressed this week but seems better today. She and her boyfriend are still going to be friends.

So much for the Haagen Daaz party with the ex-boyfriend voodoo doll I was going to throw for her.
********************
Y'all are probably getting sick of hearing about my flatulent dogs. But here I go again.

Science Diet didn't work. So I tried Science Diet sensitive stomach. No luck. I tried Science Diet sensitive skin. Limited luck.

Then I stumbled onto Royal Canin Bulldog and it worked great until recently. The dogs are back to smelling up my house. And I'm not talking about the occasional fart. I'm talking about the every three minutes make your eyes water type of gas.

They are also using my rug for rubbing their butts across. Yes they have been wormed. No it isn't their anal glands. Apparently their asses just itch!

They know if I catch them, I put them outside. Usually I can tell when they're going to do it and I give them the stink eye. They pay heed to the stink eye.

But gross! Who wants the dog scratching his butt with their rug.

I searched the pet food store for Science Diet Farting Dog with Itchy Ass to no avail. Sometimes life just isn't fair.

Y'all have a great weekend!

LIfe Update

2008-04-27T16:50:00.000-07:00

Usually I try to give my kids a blog shoutout on their birthday.

This year I missed sharing Azure's birthday. That's because it took me all day to make her cake.

Well it didn't take all day, but I had to go to the grocery store and try to clean the (never finished) kitchen. We took her to laser tag that evening.

She loved laser tag, as do I, but Sammy was having none of it. He was not going to put on the vest and that was FINAL. Seriously, the kid could write his own book on stubborness.

In summary, Azure is now nine! Yikes, where does the time go? I'll have to take a decent pic of her to post later. For now here is a pic of her cake. She's a huge fan of dragons.

It's Prom!

2008-04-26T15:58:00.000-07:00

Ode to Spring

2008-04-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

Nose, constant dripping
Eyes, red, watery, itchy
Chest, tight and wheezing

Yes, spring has sprung!

Fat Girls Jog Too

2008-04-18T08:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Exercise Gear Manufacturer,

We need to have a talk, you and I. I fear you are under the delusion that only skinny people exercise. Or maybe you come from another planet, a planet where a size ten is considered extra large.

On planet Earth, a ten is a medium. Perhaps you could size your exercise gear accordingly. If I can go to the store and buy a shirt and pants in extra-large that fit, I should be able to walk over to the exercise section and find an extra-large that fits. It should be that simple.

I don't want to order online or go to a specialty store. I don't want to pay fifty- dollars for something I'm going to sweat in and make stinky. Give me a bloody break. I might be fat but I'm not fifty-dollars worth of material fat.

Not only do I want pants that fit, please take my build into accord. My legs may be skinny but I have a three kid belly that would do the Pilsbury doughboy proud. No amount of crunches or miles logged per week will change my permanent "bump." So please don't design the pants to squeeze my belly like a boa constrictor bestowing the kiss of death. The pants need to gently hold me in while allowing me to breath. Breathing is very important when exercising, don't you think?

And your t-shirts could be cut a bit longer. They don't need to hang just above the belly. I'm not trying to impress anybody while I'm out exercising but I don't wish to make them double over with laughter either.

I am not the only cake-loving fat girl out there huffing and puffing along at the speed of a turtle with a broken leg. There are more like me. I'm quite sure of it.

If we could wear something cute while we are out there sweating, we would be most grateful. Who knows, you might even make some money. Imagine that!

Sincerely,
Carolyn (one fed up Mom)

Here's Your Sign

2008-04-13T12:56:00.000-07:00

There is a vacant corner about half a mile from our house. Fruit vendors frequently set up camp there to sell their delicacies.

This is the first time I've been tempted to roll down my window and yell THANK YOU as I drove by though.

(If you didn't get my joke, take a better look at the sign.)

Lose Some - Gain Some

2008-03-29T20:28:00.000-07:00

I lost some weight this week. I have the feeling I gained all of it back in one day.

So hard to lose, so easy to gain. Sigh. It's exactly the opposite of money.

The lack of Paxil is beginning to affect me or maybe my children are extraordinarily turdy today. It could be that. Let's blame it on the children.

They are arguing right now in fact.

I forgot to share my favorite Easter story. Sammy asked me to come sit with him when he was eating his candy. I thought it was because he was going to share.

It was actually because he wanted help opening it.

When I asked him if I could have some, he said, "The Easter Bunny will bring you some later."

Kids are always good for a laugh when they're not driving you stark, raving mad.

Maybe If I Start Writing...

2008-03-28T20:31:00.001-07:00

Maybe if I start writing, I'll find something interesting to write about, or maybe not.

It has been a really long week. After two weeks of vacation, it is hard to adjust back to a schedule. I'm exhausted but not sleeping well either.

There is the possibility I'm not sleeping well because I quit my Paxil cold turkey. It wasn't intentional. I forgot to pick them up Saturday. My pharmacy is usually open on Sunday, but I forgot Sunday was Easter.

In a lucky twist of fate, I realized on Sunday that my long missing motivation to do something besides sit on my arse had returned. Also, the crazy carb cravings have become manageable.

Coincidence? I don't know. I do know that I haven't killed anybody yet and we are saving forty dollars a month on pills.

My checkbook hates being in the black so I spent the forty dollars, or at least thirty-five of it, on new bras this week.

My husband was getting offended at the fact that I was still wearing nursing bras from nine years ago. Men! Yeesh.

The nursing bras weren't cheap and they are still in good shape. However they are quite ugly. I picked Thursday of this week for my shopping expedition.

Bra shopping isn't fun in any way shape or form . Some bras fit all the way around but the cups were too big. Some had cups that fit but the straps squeezed me like a boa constrictor. Some smashed me like a pancake. Some buckled under the weight.

I tried on some sports bras too. None of them held the girls in place at all. One of them even had a nifty zipper in the front. Well it looked nifty but it didn't want to work. I couldn't seem to simultaneously lift the boobs up into the bra and zip it. Had I managed the herculean task, undoing the bra could have been quite dangerous, even fatal. So I passed.

Finally I found a style I liked and purchased two, one pink and one black. They are comfortable but I have that unfortunate fifties housewife nasa rocket look going on. I also resent paying thirty-five dollars for two bras. There's not five dollars worth of material each in the damn things.

After bra shopping was over, I attempted to navigate the mall. Three looks at the map later and I finally found Lane Bryant. I've wanted a small shrug for a while to go over my tank tops in the summer, just enough to cover those upper arms. I knew if anyone would have it, the fat chick store would, and they did. They had some cute swimsuits too but since they didn't extend from neck to knee, they didn't cover enough for me.

Hmmm, other exciting news...let's see. Thinking...

I started to go into anaphylactic shock again this week. Since I have no clue why, I'll maybe switch to a bigger purse and start carrying the epi-pen with me.

Oh and my foot hurts. It started hurting on the top and has worked its way to the bottom. The pain is in the ball of the foot under the two smallest toes. So jogging is out until it heals, if it heals. It's time to do the hellishly boring elliptical for a while which I know is a better workout. But I really like jogging. Wah.

Wait how did I forget the one real, exciting (to me) piece of news?

My daughter is driving, DRIVING! She is taking herself to school and work and choir practice and friend's houses and I even sent her to buy toilet paper! Heaven, it is sheer heaven. I never realized how much of my time she was taking up until I got it back. One down, two to go...heh heh.

And now, a very pesky five-year old wants to go to bed RIGHT NOW. He won't quit pestering me. Maybe somebody will die this week after all. (me from frustration)

Happy Eastaaaaaar

2008-03-22T10:29:00.000-07:00

Nothing, but nothing, screams Easter like Pirates of the Caribbean eggs.

Rumor has it some of ye more scandalous wenches have requested that Johnny Depp hide his eggs in your basket.

Arrrrrrrr, For shame!

Sammy's Birthday Cake

2008-03-17T14:40:00.000-07:00

I completely forgot to mention that this year's cake came out much better than the one last year.

Vinnie for President

2008-03-16T10:37:00.001-07:00

Note: I hope I don't offend anybody with this piece. I realize opinions are like rear ends. We all have them. Your opinion may differ from mine and all opinions are welcome. Friendly debate is always encouraged. Just don't be bashing me man! :)

A person would have to be living in a cave not to realize that the upcoming presidential election is VERY IMPORTANT.

So what happens when an election is important and we need a strong, new person to run our country?

We get crap to vote for, just like in the last two presidential elections!

Way back when, the first time Bush ran for president, my husband and I tuned into one of the debates between him and Gore. While I can't remember what they debated, I do remember the one line that Gore repeated over and over. "Those tax cuts you are planning only go to the wealthiest one-percent of Americans!"

Did he have much more to say than that? No. He was a total Whiny McWhinerson. The majority of people hear enough whining in their daily lives so Bush won.

What did Gore do? He had the votes recounted and recounted again. Then he said it was the Clintons fault he lost. See! Whiny McWhinerson!

For the next election, the democrats offered up John Kerry. It seems not much about him resonated with voters either. On the bright side, Herman Munster jokes abounded.

Now here we are again. It is time to make a change in this country. At the very least, it would be nice for a Democratic president.

(I am neither a Democrat or Republican for the record, just saying it's time for a change.)

What is offered up to us? HILARY CLINTON! If that woman's nose grew every time she lied, astronauts could hitch to it and shimmy up to the moon. And speaking of lying, when she ran for the senate, didn't she say she had no interest in running for president?

I think she's either very arrogant or very stupid to think she can win. (Hilary supporters feel free to come back and say neener neener neener to me if she does win.)

Then we have Obama. When Oprah starts backing somebody, I start to worry. Oprah, we love you but we don't want you involved with political decision making.

What we need is a candidate who will appeal to men AND women. We are tired of voting for the candidate who sucks the least. We want a candidate we can get excited about. So, without more rambling, I present to you VIN DIESEL!

Men will admire him because he's tough.

I can imagine him now making the phone calls to the countries that owe us money.

"Hello, Mr. Dictator Beelzebub of Hell. It has come to my attention that you owe us ten billion dollars. We very much need you to start paying us back so we can apply it to our national debt."

"But, Mr. President, I don't have the money. I spent it on yachts and a castle."

"Mr. Beelzebub, do I need to come visit and get medieval on your buttocks?"

"Oh no, no need for that Mr. President, I will start selling off some of my assets. In fact, I am putting a check in the mail as we speak."

"That's more like it. Have a great day. I'll be in touch."

Women would never miss watching a State of the Union address. In fact they would have parties arranged around them, much like men do for football games. We might even notice what he was talking about over the ribald comments and catcalls.

Now if only we can talk him into running...

Day Two of a Two Week Spring Break

2008-03-11T15:12:00.000-07:00

Setting: Cluttered middle-class house

Characters: Azure - sitting at computer
Sammy - standing near computer, mad because he is grounded from it
Mother - praying for her sanity

Sammy hits Azure.

Mother (for the umpteenth time): No hitting!

Sammy to Azure: You're a butthead!

Azure to Sammy: No, you're a butthead!

Sammy (yelling in high-pitched voice) : Mom, Azure called me a butthead!

Azure: He called me a butthead first.

And so on and so forth.

And that's why I associate beer with spring break.

Decisions, Decisions

2008-03-09T19:23:00.000-07:00

My Mom gave me money for my birthday. I haven't decided what to spend it on yet.

Money around this house has a way of disappearing, a twenty for the husband's lunch, forty for my daughter to go play laser tag, etc.

Before it all disappears, I thought I might go get a tattoo.

I'm torn between the top dragon on the left or the dragon that is three over from the one on the left.

What do y'all think?

A Few Random Thoughts

2008-03-08T16:33:00.001-08:00

Has anyone else ever noticed the birds that feed in the McDonald's parking lot are corpulent? I'm sure they don't care. Wouldn't it be nice to be an animal and not care if you were fat?

I'm sure there is a down side to being a fat bird. Sure, you're never hungry but I bet you're quite a bit slower; savory pickings for the hawk.

If hawks could talk, it might go like this. "Hey Earl, I'm gonna fly over to McDonald's to catch one of those Big 'n Tastys. Wanna come?"
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Why do my children, who have a bedroom full of toys, prefer the computer? Why am I the total idiot that keeps buying them toys?

Happy Birthday. Here's a cake. Screw the presents. You won't play with 'em anyway.

Yeah, that'll win me mother of the year.
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Why is it that women find normally unattractive guys desirable when they sing? Look at Tom Petty, Ric Ocasek and and Chris Robinson. Do you think maybe these guys looked in the mirror and realized they were never going to get laid unless they were in a band?

Not a bad life plan if you can pull it off.

My Muffins, My Muffins, My Muffins - not YOUR Muffins

2008-03-07T08:32:00.000-08:00

Sammy has ABA therapy four days a week. The team meeting, where we discuss his progress and goals, is every Thursday morning at 8:30. I always make a treat for us to share for breakfast. This Thursday I made strawberry muffins.

I made a double batch so there would be some for the meeting and some for the family. They were delicious. In fact I wish I hadn't tasted them. Tasting one led to my eyes rolling back in my head. Consequently, I tasted three or four more.

There were only two left this morning. I sent those to school with Jasmine. Sammy was not happy. He proceeded to voice his displeasure for a good fifteen minutes. Hell hath no fury like Sammy when one has eaten the last of a food he is crazy about. So I baked more solely to get him to stop yelling about it.

This recipe is gluten-free but I'll put modifications for those of you who are lucky enough to use wheat flour.

Gluten-free flour has to be blended to get a similar protein content to wheat flour. I use a Betty Hagman blend. The woman was an utter genius. If she were still alive, I would gladly kiss her feet. I have seriously considered building a shrine to her in my kitchen.

Her gluten-free mix is as follows.

6 cups white rice flour
2 cups potato starch (not potato flour - completely different animals)
1 cup tapioca starch

Mix these all together. They measure cup for cup like wheat flour in baking.

And now for the recipe. Ta da!

Gluten-Free Strawberry Muffin Recipe

2 eggs, separated
1 cup sugar
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup casein-free margarine (Lucky ducks can use butter)
1 1/2 tsp vanilla (I love vanilla)
1/4 tsp salt
1 1/2 cups gluten-free flour, sifted (Wheat flour for the rest of you)
1 1/2 tsp guar or xantham gum (not necessary when baking with wheat)
1 1/2 tsp baking powder (1 tsp if you're using wheat)
1/3 cup vanilla-flavored milk substitute (regular milk is fine for dairy consumers)
2 cups fresh strawberries, finely diced

Heat your oven to 350. Grease or line one muffin pan.

Beat the egg whites until stiff. Add about 1/4 cup of the sugar to them in order to keep them stiff.

Take one TBS of flour and toss your diced strawberries with it to coat. Set aside.

Sift together the rest of the flour, the guar gum and baking powder.

Cream margarine. Add in salt and vanilla. Gradually add in remaining sugar, then the egg yolks. Beat until light and creamy.

Add sifted dry ingredients alternately with the milk. Fold in the beaten whites. Then fold in the strawberries.

Spoon the batter into your muffin pan. Sprinkle the tops with sugar. Bake approximately 25 minutes.

You can use blueberries in these muffins but the strawberries were by far more delicious.

Question about Bec's Blog

2008-02-28T21:00:00.000-08:00

I can't get to Bec's blog anymore. Do I have to pay for type pad? Or have I been evicted from preferred commenters?

Does anyone know?

Happy Birthday Little Man

2008-02-28T06:27:00.000-08:00

Today is Sammy's fifth birthday. He has taken us on a path we never thought to follow. It's been a roller coaster ride but I'm happy to say the ups are more freqent than the downs.

Happy Birthday child of my heart.

A BLOODY MARY WITH A NYQUIL CHASER

2008-02-20T00:46:00.000-08:00

Hey all, still here kind of.

I've heard in civilized countries one can walk into the drugstore and buy cough syrup with codeine.

Is it true?

Well it's not done here. Here we are punished for other people's addictions.

So if I want a decent cough syrup, I have to go to the doctor who will say, "Why yes you do have a cough."

Then my prescription has to be faxed (not carried by me) to the pharmacy.

Then my insurance company will only pay for a thimble-sized bottle that will not even last me the whole bout of my illness.

There are no pg rated words to describe my displeasure.

And did I not have this cough, I would not be blogging at almost one a.m. my time.

I do not want to go to the doctor. I'm sick. I want to stay home. The doctor's office is no place for a sick person. Ugh.

Something Smelt Fishy

2008-02-10T19:34:00.000-08:00

My biological father was an avid fisherman. He had a small boat with an outboard motor which he enjoyed taking out on the lakes of Maine.

I don't think he was as great a fisherman as he suppposed he was. He often tied his own flies to which the fish responded har de har har. In retrospect, I think it was more about the boat and the beer.

But we did get to eat fish more often than the average family does. I think we mostly ate trout. My Mom fried it in a pan with cornmeal.

To this day I like very fishy fish. I have eaten oyster stew which gags a great many people. (okay most everybody) I don't like fish and chips, which my husband loves, because the fish doesn't taste at all fishy to me. I'll order clam strips or scallops instead.

Another fish I remember eating as a child besides trout was smelt. I can't remember what they tasted like but I remember they were easy to clean. Since the bones cook up to a soft texture, there is no need to take the bones out. You just lop off the head and clean out the entrails. Anbody gagging yet?

Last week I saw smelt in the grocery store and decided to cook some for my son. He's a big fish fan also.

Well when I opened the package, they stunk to high heavens. I checked the expiration date and they were not expired, though they smelled like it.

So I put them on the chopping board and started cleaning them. It's funny how things that didn't bug you as a child, disturb you as an adult. Their little eyes glared at me accusingly as I lopped their heads off. Cleaning out the entrails was a heap of fun too.

After they were cleaned, I breaded them and fried them. My whole kitchen smelled like (as my other dad puts it) something that needed to be cured.

I had hoped they wouldn't taste like they smelled. Bravely, I put one in my mouth. BLEH! Into the trash can they all went excluding the few the dogs ate.

That was some nasty fish. I'm not sure they are supposed to taste that way or smell that way, but I'll leave the fish cooking to the restaurant in the future. Anything in the grocery store with a head on it can stay the heck out of my cart, unless it's a beer.

Mutterings

2008-02-03T17:17:00.001-08:00

Hey, how is everyone in blogland tonight? I logged in from California and boy are my arms tired! (Insert cheesy laugh here.)

My first noteworthy item is one of those things that is exciting to us here in dullsville. Sammy is potty trained at last! Yes, he's almost five but autism and potty training go together like Joel Osteen and Ozzy Osbourne. We are proud and happy, especially happy! No more poopy diapers. Now if I can just get that landfill renamed...

His therapies now go from 8:30 in the morning to 11:30 in the afternoon for five days a week. He has gotten very uncooperative so the three hours are spent with myself and the therapist alternately cajoling him to answer the questions. My internet time has been severely curtailed.

I never even reported on Jupiter's choir concert back in December. At this point, I have forgotten most of the pertinent details other than the fact that I accidentally sat in the farting section. I meant to sit in the no farting section but it was not to be. The last half of the very long concert was spent with me fighting the urge to find the culprit and set them on fire.

And what is up with the band teachers at the schools? I think they are told that they get three songs so they purposely dig for three songs that are at least ten minutes long each. The songs are unrecognizable, boring and all sound alike. Just when you think maybe the song is ending, it goes on again and on and on and on...I'd almost rather have a crown. At least the pain ends at some point.

I have broken every single one of my New Year's resolutions. Not only have I been eating gluten, I've gained thirteen pounds. Two bloggers I read are pregnant and neither one of them have gained that much. Maybe it's my sympathy weight gain. I have to blame it on somebody. Personal accountability? What's that?

And while I would love to actually go somewhere with this post, I'm drawing a blank, yep a big fat blank.

Talk to you all later when I've got something a little less dull to share.

Sweating to the Oldies

2008-01-15T16:22:00.000-08:00

It seems I mentioned in an earlier post that my class reunion was coming up. I can't remember. It was my, gasp, 20th.

The people that were planning it sent out very last minute invitations, like a month before the event. Or maybe only the people like me received last minute invitations. (Her, I don't remember her. Oh yeah, it was the freaky goth tall chick.)

The reunion was held on the 28th of December. I chewed on going but that was only to see my friend Diane, who sounded positive she was going. Only it was one-hundred twenty dollars, three days after Christmas, a four hour drive away, and we didn't have a car at the time that fit the whole family.

I told her via e-mail that I wasn't able to go. She hadn't signed up either. I would have killed her if I'd signed for it and she wasn't going.

The people hosting the reunion set up a myspace site. I went online this weekend to see if I recognized any of the people who had gone to the reunion. Nope, I didn't. Not only that, but they all looked really old and fat. How did that happen to them when I still look the same?

One thing I had wondered about was, if I had gone to the reunion would it propel me mentally back to high school? That question was answered when I was looking at the pictures. The lady (I use that term loosely) who was voted most eligible bachelorette was one of the people who had been a snotty mean girl in high school. I found myself asking my husband, "Do you think she still screws for coke?" Twenty years later and some things never change.

Surely the Easiest Meme I've Ever Done

2008-01-09T21:38:00.000-08:00

25 THINGS THAT SHIT ME TO TEARS

1. Swarms of pedestrians in the crosswalk in front of the grocery store that walk veeery slowly. Just move it and let me through, would ya?

2. People, who when I'm merging on the freeway, speed up and totally screw my merge.

3. The glass of apple juice that always spills on the floor five minutes after I've mopped it.

4. Poopy diapers that smell worse than the elephants at the zoo. (I think elephants poop smaller than my son though.)

5. "Easy open" food packaging that I end up hacking with a knife and cutting to shreds while trying to get into it.

6. People who feel like the anonymity of the internet allows them to say nasty things to others. (Not talking about any of you. Cafemom reference.)

7. People who feel their way is the ONLY way to do things and criticize yours. (Yes Virginia, there is more than one way to fuck a chicken.)

8. Food manufacturers who feel like every freaking product they produce has to be filled with gluten. That would be most all of them.

9. The smell of a cat box. (One reason we will never again own a cat. There's enough stinky things around here.)

10. That lovely lump of fat that permanently lands around the midsection after the first child.

11. Celebrities with private jets telling the rest of us to think green.

12. Celebrities acting like twits who constantly make the news. Color me unsympathetic, but could Britney just jump off a cliff and get it over with already?

13. The cost of groceries.

14. Property taxes. I already payed for it now I have to get squeezed yet again twice a year.

15. The rising cost of medical insurance. Yep, my husband's employer passed it on big time this year.

16. Housework, ugh.

17. People who get to the checkout line and dig in their purse/wallet for 20 minutes.

18. Pants that shrink in length the first time you wash them.

19. When the bite of food that missed my mouth lands on my boobs.

20. When my kids use my clothes for a napkin.

21. Stepping in bubblegum.

22. Wrinkles.

23. Pants that fit great when you try them on then sag in the ass after the first hour you wear them.

24. My complete lack of ass to hold my pants up.

25. People who are perfect parents and look down their noses at the rest of us. Yeah, whatever.

For Joke

2008-01-09T12:43:00.000-08:00

The Mr. Bento Link:

Mr Bento

It's up to 43.43 now, but still a good deal.

A Brilliant Scholar

2008-01-08T09:08:00.001-08:00

I went to school early last night, two weeks early. Oops. Since I was there anyway, I went to the book store. My book wasn't in yet which meant no chance of buying used. Ended up meandering to Amazon when I got home and ordering it. Those textbook publishers must make millions, millions I tell you!
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It was also my thirteenth wedding anniversary. We are broke, our usual post-Christmas state of finance. Hubs and I exchanged cards. He gave me a candy bar. I gave him some truffles. The truffles came from Target. They are Lindt Lindor Truffles. The white chocolate ones have a filling that tastes like cream cheese. I only tried half a one since yesterday was day one of the evil diet.
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I also have to mention that yesterday was my cousin's birthday. Happy Belated Birthday Brad!
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Packed hubby's lunch this morning in his Mr. Bento. Mr. Bento is the world's coolest lunch box. You can buy it on Amazon for about 40.00. My parents sent hubs an Amazon gift certificate for his birthday and I spent part of it on his Bento. Let me describe it for you. I'm sure you are all intrigued by now. :-) Basically there are four bowls stacked in a vertical insulated container. The two bowls on the bottom keep hot stuff hot. The two bowls in the top keep cold stuff cold. It's perfect for packing stir-fry and rice. Today I packed enchiladas and rice in the bottom containers and salad and crackers in the top ones. I have packed him spaghetti with meatballs before and chicken soup with rice. Using up leftover dinner has never been so fun. Now go forth and buy a Bento!
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Have I ever confessed on here that I am a bargain shopper? I love the thrill of the chase. If something is on sale, it's great, clearance is even better. I get a high from a good sale.

I never expected to so thoroughly enjoy a new car. I love the smell and the way it drives. (I haven't run over enough curbs to screw up the alignment yet.) The heated seats are heavenly and the little cell phone built into the mirror is just plain fun.

So I wonder if I were a wealthy "money is no object" person, would I still enjoy the rush of a sale? Would I gloat in paying half price for Coach and Prada? Probably I would. LOL There's nothing like a good bargain, is there?

Happy New Year

2008-01-01T07:36:00.000-08:00

Good morning. It's another new year, bright with the promise of sticking to those resolutions this time. I could list them all but then I'd have to eat my words at a later date.

One resolution I will share is that I have vowed to go gluten-free again. It lowered my cholesterol for some reason, which means that the last four months of unabashed gluten gluttony cannot become a way of life again. Does anyone want to share their resolutions and their perceived likelihood of sticking to them? Come on now. Don't be shy.

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My kids said some very funny things in the last year. Azure told me that she knew why you had to have a mom and a dad to have a baby. With a sinking heart, I asked her why. She said because the dad has to drive the mom to the hospital while she's in labor.

Sammy has come up with a few funnies. He said he wanted to turn the sky off and on. I told him that was God's job. He then asked if he could just flip the switch that turns the sky on and off. Now I can picture God up there with a giant switch.

He told me that eating bup (breastfeeding) makes you feel all better. (Yes, he's weaned. I decided to do it before he started inviting his friends over for milk and cookies.) I never knew breastfeeding made you feel all better. If I still had milk, I could market it as an anti-depressant. Maybe I'd make enough money to pay for my badly needed boob job due to breastfeeding.

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My husband purchased a new car for me the day after Christmas. This is huge. My first car was used. I bought it because it was what I could afford. My second car was used. I didn't even get to pick it out. My parents negotiated a deal with a friend who owned a car lot. They picked it out. I made the payments. It was yewgly. My third car was what I could afford. Seeing a pattern yet? LOL

On the 26th, hubster and I went down to the Saturn dealership. All the 2007 Saturns were going for zero percent financing. There was one 2007 Aura left. It's black. Usually I don't like black but it's pretty. It has onstar for a year and best of all, seat warmers. I looooove them.

We have to get SJ a smaller car seat so all three kids can fit in the back. We'll probably get him a travel harness. Anyway, he was riding in the front (airbag off) and he said, "My weenies warm."

We thought it would make a nice Irish prayer. You know, along the lines of may the wind be always at your back, may the road rise to meet you and may your weenie always be warm.

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And now more weenie talk.

I joined an online mothers group of mothers who didn't circumcise.

I did this because we did not circumcise and I sometimes have questions and nobody to answer them. On my side of the family, everyone has been circe'd for the last two or three generations.

Before I go any further, I want to say I am not anti-circumcision. I think both sides have compelling arguments, really six of one a half dozen of the other. Most people must feel the same way since the split on who does and who doesn't is about fifty-fifty.

But this group I joined, I can tell they are very strongly against it. Were I to support the cause as fervently as they, I would need a special super-hero outfit, a cool moniker and a motto. I could wear a shirt with the word "circumcision" on the front but with a red circle around it and a slash through it. I can see it now. "Foreskin girl, saving the world one penis at a time!"

One woman had a video in her signature of an actual circumcision. The medical profession informs us that infants do not have a mature central nervous system yet so they do not feel much during this quick mostly painless procedure. I'm here to say "bull$#@*!"

Have you ever had the doctor tell you something will be mildly uncomfortable? You know this is doctor speak for "The insurance company is too cheap to spring for morphine. Suck it up."

Well I'm hoping this was an old video. Somebody in the know who has recently had a boy or knows someone who has, tell me they numb those babies now. Immature central nervous system my ass.

I am less trusting of those who "know" what's best for me and my kids than I have ever been.

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So is anybody nursing a hangover today? Did anybody wear a lampshade last night?

I don't have a hangover but I went to bed at nine, oh and I didn't drink.

We are such an exciting bunch. I think maybe once in my whole life I've stayed up until midnight on New Years. So share your fun party stories and let me live vicariously through you.

Have a great New Year!

Merry Christmas All

2007-12-23T08:00:00.000-08:00

Today starts my round of monster house cleaning AND I'm not done with my shopping yet.

I was going to finish yesterday but the Fiat broke down on me. On the bright side, I met a very funny tow truck driver. They are an amiable group.

Merry Christmas everyone!

My Daughter's You Tube Video

2007-12-14T12:57:00.000-08:00

Here is what my oldest does when she's supposed to be doing her chores. I could figure out html, which I stink at or you all could please, pretty please copy and paste. :-) (but only if you are interested in watching it.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97mrPWMDbLA

It's not her song. She's obviously lip syncing but I thought it was cute.

Enjoy.

So As Not to be Sexist

2007-12-08T13:34:00.001-08:00

A posting for the men.

Top Ten Reasons a Dog is Better than Your Significant Other

1. The dog doesn't spend all your money.

2. The dog doesn't complain if you watch sports on TV.

3. The dog knows it's a bitch.

4. The dog never has PMS.

5. The dog doesn't complain that the thermostat is turned too high/low.

6. The dog will let you scratch its belly without buying it a diamond ring first.

7. The dog doesn't care if you leave your dirty clothes on the floor.

8. The dog doesn't complain about you to its mother.

9. The dog doesn't look at you suspiciously if you want to cuddle.

10. The dog knows its farts stink.