Friday, November 11, 2005

Happy Veterans Day

If you know a veteran, give him a big kiss today.

For those who have husbands who are veterans, I heard through the grapevine that blow jobs are requested.
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Does anybody else appreciate those oh so enjoyable subject lines that the spammers send with their e-mails? I try to get a chuckle before I delete them and send the to the trashcan in hell where they belong.

Here are a few recent ones.

Re: Do Eat No Worldwide Flyer (Don't worry. I only eat the ones that fly thru CA)

The study suggests different magnitude quakes begin in different ways said Lucy Jones, the scientist in charge of the U.S. Geological Survey in Pasadena, who was not in charge of the study. (But she took credit anyway. Bitch!)

Adrian: Time to let you know (Yes, time to let you know that if you open spam, you're a sucker)

II Beaten Sargent (Sounds like what cannibals add to their pancakes)

You reply my frigging underfloor ("My frigging underfloor?" Is that like "my little chickadee or "my sweet baboo?" When my husband gets up I can say, "Would you like a cup of coffee my sweet frigging underfloor?")
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My mother suggested that I get Allison a mannequin arm and leg for Christmas. I thought of something a little easier. I will buy a Barbie and dismantle it. Finally, Barbie will be good for something besides destroying budding self-images worldwide.

Mattel should make a post-marriage Barbie. She will come with three kids all under the age of six. Her hair will be unkempt, mousy brown and badly past due for a haircut. Her breasts will sag to her waist and come with a "milk leaking" feature. Her stomach will bulge. Her thighs will rub together. Her clothes will all have spit up stains on the shoulder and they will either be too tight or look like garish circus tents. Her face should have a perpetually stressed look. When you press a button on her back, she will emit phrases such as:

"We're running late. Find your goddamn shoes already!"

"Do I look like an ATM to you?"

"The teacher is calling me tonight why?"

"What do you mean you have a class project due tomorrow that you've known about for three weeks?"

"You're working late again?"

"Has anyone seen the frigging Xanax?"

Now that's what I call reality in advertising.

7 Comments:

Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

That is a LOVELY Barbie. Would sell like hotcakes, just for the comments.

7:43 AM  
Blogger Gina said...

Don't forget, "How many times do I have to tell you that I am *not* a jungle gym?!?!"

8:54 AM  
Blogger Mad Rabbit said...

You have Xanax?? Have you thought of approching Mattell with your Barbie idea?? Maybe we could call her PMS Babs. Great blog today!!

9:08 AM  
Blogger BabelBabe said...

you make me laugh out loud, carolyn.

i thought i was the only mom that said that, gina.

one of the moms at preschool lets her kids do flips thru her arms...thereby making me look bad for not deigning to be a jungle gym!

10:53 AM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

I hate my kids crawling all over me. Personal space, what personal space?

11:03 AM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

Hehe ;) My husband thinks that Barbie would sell.

11:15 AM  
Blogger nobody1001 said...

Why not a menopausal Barbie? Besides all the physical attributes you describe, you could add wrinkles, vericose veins, and swollen ankles. She could say "Is anyone hot but me?" "Who turned up the gd thermostat?" "Leave me to hell alone." and many other nuggets of wisdom.

1:08 PM  

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