Saturday, December 31, 2005

I Have No Life

Nobody is blogging today - what am I supposed to do for entertainment?

I suppose all of you are getting ready for parties and such. There's a party going on here, of sorts. My teen daughter had three friends over for a gift exchange. My daughter has more of a social life than I do.

I cleaned frantically for the last day and a half and it's still not clean enough. It's a good thing that her friends are used to my standards of uncleanliness.
My Mother got me "S Is For Silence" for Christmas. So far, it is a really good read. I will be returning to it soon.
I was shopping in Safeway the day after Christmas and I heard this over the intercom. "Have a Nice Day. Cancel that."

Well, okay.
On the way home from the "sunny" beach, my husband and I saw a motel called "Fools Rush Inn."
Happy New Year everyone!

Friday, December 30, 2005

Madame X

Tonight, I am blogging about somebody I know. She also reads this blog. I will refer to her as Madame X. The reason I am calling her Madame X is because her kitchen tends to be filled with eXpired food.

I don't get to see Madame X much as she lives far away. Sometimes I will visit her and open a box of cereal. Then I will visit months later, see a box of cereal and ask, "Is this fresh?"

"No," she says. "That is the same box you opened last time you came."


Her milk is usually three days past its expiration date. She once told me that it was okay to leave eggs out of the fridge because they don't need to be refrigerated.

One time she left town and her daughter cleaned out the fridge for her. She found cream cheese that wasn't opened but had expired. All the salad dressings were expired. The cookie dough was expired. The baloney was slimy. The cheese was moldy.

By the time her daughter was done cleaning the fridge, I think she was down to a box of baking soda.

Madame X was very displeased. She told her daughter that as long as the cream cheese wasn't opened, it wouldn't expire. She said that the cookie dough only had a "sell by" date.

And let me tell you Madame X's theory on moldy cheese. One time, my husband and I were visiting. She had planned a New Year's party with home made pizza. Her cheese had fuzzy stuff growing on it. She informed us that in the cheese factories, they wipe the mold off with vinegar. Imagine that!

So she wiped off the mold and grated the cheese and put it on the pizza. Have you ever tasted penicillin pizza? Because that is what it tasted like.

Madame X also lives in fear of a food shortage. You'd better be quick at catching things, because when you open her cupboards cans will fly down at your head.

Try to fit anything in her freezer. Good luck. I tried to eat an ice cream sandwich last time I went down. The outer layer was the texture of an egg shell. I think it had been in there since the Clinton, or maybe Reagan, administration.

Madame X also hoards clothes that go as far back as the eighties. She has all the closets and dressers filled in THREE bedrooms.

I could go on, but you get the picture.

Long live Madame X! Hey if she can eat all that past due food, she can survive anything.

Vacation Pics

Can you see the pirate face in the top left side of this tree?

SJ's new pants were too big and every time he ran, they fell down.

Would somebody PLEASE let me out of here?

Welcome to Sunny California

My husband picked out a spot for us to go camping after Christmas was over. It is called Rollerville Junction. It is in Point Arena, California on the North Coast. We downloaded driving instructions from and left the house early on the 26th.

The instructions we had downloaded were great until we got to the last stretch of our journey. The last twenty-four miles were driven on a narrow, winding mountain road with sixteen percent grades IN AN RV! We had it better than the in-laws though. They had driven it the night before late at night and while it was raining.

We arrived about three in the afternoon and my FIL had a nice campfire going. SJ immediately gravitated to his Papa and we spent the rest of the night visiting in their fifth wheel. They have pop-outs so their living room is very roomy.

Around ten, we went back to our motorhome to go to bed. Very soon afterward, it started rocking...but it's not what it sounds like. Rain began coming down in sheets and the wind was gusting as strong as I've ever seen it. The motorhome felt like it might take flight. Periodically, the wind blew so hard that it felt like somebody was trying to pound our door down. (Little Pig, little pig let me in or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in.)

I told my husband we should have brought our ark instead. At least we had two Boston Terriers.

SJ didn't sleep very well which means I didn't sleep very well.

It was still pouring sheets in the morning. The dogs, when let out to go potty, looked at us like, "you've got to be kidding." I tied them under opposite picnic benches, each with a big steak bone, and that helped a lot.

My MIL and I each started cooking breakfast on our seperate stoves. I did sausage and potatoes which led to the discovery that I hadn't packed the salt. She did bacon, biscuits and gravy. She did scrambled eggs and I did fried. By the time we were done and had washed the dishes, it was already eleven.

The rest of the day we spent slogging back and forth throught the mud to visit, except my MIL who was smart enough not to get out of her place even once. My husband and I took SJ and our neice, C , on a drive to see what the ocean looked like and to buy some salt. The waves were enormous. The beach was closed, due to flooding. Actually there was no beach because the water was so high.

We still had a great time the first day. Nobody was going to the beach but that was fine. SJ is quite content to turn on and off every light repeatedly. The in-laws have a DVD player in their trailer and my neice had brought along her X-box. My MIL played yahtzee with A. It was fun.

That evening was a repeat of the same weather, but the next morning, there was blue sky. SJ spent most of that day outside with his Daddy and Papa. The RV park was mostly deserted so he could run around a lot. He was in his own private paradise.

My MIL and I didn't cook a big breakfast so we had more visiting time that morning. I DID have to do laundry that day, thanks to Mandy, the amazing, shitting, wonder dog. I tried to get SJ to walk to the laundry room with me, but he was having too much fun.

His Daddy held him and took him for a bike ride. My daughter, J, and niece, C, rode the bikes to the lighthouse, which was 2 miles away. My niece C, informed us more than once that it was actually 2.2 miles. There was no rounding down for her!

We put the dogs out on a run. Mandy loved it. Boots hated it. In fact, he didn't like vacation much at all. His idea of a vacation was for us to let him off his leash so he could run off. His frustration at our refusal was obvious.

My husband drove the three girls to the local movie theater at 2:30 to see "The Chronicles of Narnia." They loved it.

When we picked them up, I got to glimpse the town that time forgot. The houses were mostly New England style with sloped roofs. The main street was ancient. The local store didn't take ATM payments. It was cash only. Nothing about this town screamed modern. It was a great little town except for the cash only thing which I found a bit irritating.

We found out that day that the roads to go home were flooded and we would have to go farther North in order to go South. (the way we needed to go.)

We left bright and early on day three. It took a long time to get home for us, longer for the in-laws. We had a few wrong turns, and the windshield wipers decided to go out in the rain.

One convenient thing was the ability to pull over when we had to use the restroom, then just walking in the back. Very nice.

When we walked in the house, I was shocked. I forgot how bad it looked with all the Christmas boxes strewn around.

Today is going to be a busy one. But really, what's new about that? At least the kids have lots of toys to keep them busy while I clean.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Gone Camping

Will be back soon. Happy Holidays!

Friday, December 23, 2005

The Great Gift Card Ordeal

This year, for Christmas, the banks advertised gift credit cards. I thought it was a great concept. Rather than getting my sister a gift card that she could only use in a particular store, I could get her something she could use anywhere.

I went into Wells Fargo on Monday at ten-fifty. I had to be out of the bank by eleven-fifteen, but twenty-five minutes seemed a reasonable amount of time to get the gift card.

I got to the teller just before eleven. (long line) I told her what I wanted. She went in the vault to get the card. I waited, waited and waited some more. Finally, at thirteen past eleven, I gave up and left.

On Tuesday, I went back. I got to the front of the line. I ordered two cards. The teller had to get a supervisor and go in the vault. I waited and waited some more. Finally, they were out of the vault. Then the teller had to fill out fifty shitloads of paperwork. She had very long nails and she wrote very slowly. Never mind the loooooong line behind me. She finally did the paperwork and gave me the cards.

"Will that be all?" she asked.

"Well, I would like my cash back, " I replied. (She had forgotten to give it to me.)

Then she had to void the WHOLE transaction and destroy the cards and start ALL OVER AGAIN.

She wasn't the brightest bulb. I think it was because God let her pick brains or big tits and she picked the tits. At least I had something to look at while I waited.
"A" went to the doctor today. She has strep. She has started on her antibiotic and is already feeling better. Please, don't let SJ catch it.
SJ and I went to Costco today. I thought if we arrived early, we would beat the crowds. When I saw the parking lot all I could think was "OH MY GOD!" If you've watched Friends and seen Chandler's ex-girlfriend Janice say that phrase, you can imagine it ringing through my head in exactly that tone.

There was no beating the crowds today- no way - no how.

The main reason for the trip to Costco was to get shrimp scampi for Christmas dinner. Guess what they don't carry anymore! I still managed to spend a booty load of money. There is always something to buy at Costco.

One lady got in line, then got out of line to find a better line, then came back. I had already taken her space and three people were piled behind me. I heard her telling somebody that she did have that spot, but she moved.

Hopefully, she wasn't throwing a hint because I ignored it. Normally, I would offer the spot back, but I still had to pick up "A's" antibiotic and I had a restless toddler with me. Sorry lady, you move your feet and lose your seat. Oh, and Merry Christmas.
I am getting excited now that we are closer. There were a few cards I didn't get out. I also didn't bake for the letter and newspaper carriers. I can do that post-Christmas.

We need some groceries, but I might send my hubby tomorrow. He has to go get a haircut anyway. Why not utilize him? I'll ask him really nicely.

I can't wait to see the kids open their presents. "A" is especially excited.

We are leaving town again the day after Christmas. We will be back on the 29th. It is apparent that everyone else is blogging a lot less also this month. We are all as busy as a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.

Woo-hoo, it's almost here. I think I've been more naughty than nice so I'll be extra careful when I put my hand in my stocking on Christmas day.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Bitch, bitch, bitch

Today I am griping about my puppy. Yeah, I tend to gripe. Hence, the blog. My husband gets irritated with my griping. Everybody else probably gets irritated also, but they can navigate away from my page, whereas my husband is stuck with me. Hee hee.

This dog will not potty train. Aargh. When I complained to my husband, he informed me that I was the one that HAD to have the dog. Apparently, that means I can't complain about the myriad puddles on the floor.

Twice this weekend, TWICE, she peed and pooped on our bed in the RV. We took her outside. She wouldn't go. We went in my parent's house to visit for 15 minutes. I came back out to give her a chance to go again. She had shat on my bed, over and under the covers.

The dog has been scolded for going inside. Instead of concluding that the outside is good to go and the inside is bad, she has concluded that eliminating within our sight is bad. So, she sneaks off to whizz on the floor.

She also will not whizz within our sight outside. This removes any chance of positive reinforcement coming from us. We can't praise her for going outside if we can't see her going outside.

She won't whizz while on a leash. Again, a problem. Can't praise her if we can't see her.

So today I tried to take her outside. I waited and waited and waited. Soon my patience became frayed. Then my tone of voice went from encouraging to, "Would you hurry the hell up and piss already dumbass?"

Then she ran off and hid.

So next, I had J take her outside on a leash. J waited a long time also. Finally, I said, "Tie her up out here. I'll watch from the window and then praise her when she goes."

After twenty minutes of staring out the gd window, I gave up and put her inside in the bathroom.

We did this a second time with the same results.

I am ready to choke this gd stupid dog. Yes, I know there are no stupid dogs, just stupid owners. But I am still going to say it. STUPID STUPID DOG!

I am going to buy a crate and try crate training. At this point, I am so irritated with the dog that I am constantly growling at her.

She, in turn, rolls over and pees on herself. Great, we have a piss and shake dog.
Poor "A" is sick. She has a cold that comes with an excruciating headache. When the headache hits, she starts crying. There were no more appointments at the doctor's office today, but she goes in at nine a.m. tomorrow.

I made some gingerbread in hopes that she will feel like rolling it out later. I also mailed off her letter to Santa today. I didn't put our address on it, because last year the post office gave me a "return to sender" with her Santa letter. Luckily, she wasn't peering over my shoulder when I got my mail. Couldn't the idiots in the post office just throw it away? Probably Barney Fife was in charge that day.
I didn't cancel our paper when we left town. When I came home, it was to find that somebody had stolen my Saturday AND Sunday paper. Why drive to the store and put fifty cents in a machine when you can be an asshole and rip off your neighbor, right? One year, somebody stole my Christmas day edition and put it back in my box two days later. My husband wants to put up a security camera to see who it is. This is not such a bad idea, perhaps.
I used to love to sit and read a book end to end. Now, I find myself skimming and looking ahead. It is hard to make the time commitment to read the whole thing in the proper order. Plus, I can't seem to concentrate anymore. I need a magic book that will only let me read one page at a time so I am forced to concentrate. Or I need a book that catches me and makes me want to read every word, the way that Mary Higgins Clark's novels used to.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The Usual Chaos and Mayhem

Today consisted mostly of running around like a headless chicken.

I KNOW there's some things I forgot to do. If only I could remember what they were.

I mailed out my last minute packages. One of them contained my sister's birthday gift. She was born on Christmas Eve, poor thing. If I were her, I would celebrate my birthday in October so it wouldn't get overshadowed. Then again, once you pass thirty, having your birthday overshadowed is a good thing.

While I was standing in the line to mail my packages, I met Joan Rivers. Well actually, it was her doppleganger. Still, it was uncanny. The woman appeared to be the same age. She had also obviously had plastic surgery, but her plastic surgeon didn't leave her looking like the joker in Batman. She was like a pretty Joan Rivers. She had the same accent and the same voice. She even had the same hair. Freaky.

One time in line at the bank, I met a girl who looked like Kirsten Dunst. Apparently, I live in a town of celebrity look-alikes. Or I am a little crazy or maybe both.

Is everyone else going crazy right now? Ah, December.

We're Back

We have returned from the trip to my parent's house, my husband's parents also.

I had a great visit with my Grandma, just her and I. We did some Christmas shopping and had lunch out. It was nice to get the chance to chit chat without interruption.

The first night we went to see her, she was in a chair in the corner of the living room. I went over her way and smelled a horrible smell. I assumed she was either gassy or something had died under her chair.

I went to a different corner of the room. Soon the smell was right under my nose. I couldn't draw a breath of fresh air. She must have been rattling them off one after the other.

Then "A" said, "OOOH brother pooped."

He had been in the corner when I went near my Grandma. Then he had followed me to the other side of the room. The bad smell was literally under my nose.

My husband is doing a strip tease due to the fact that I want to wash the laundry. BRB.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

I Found The Picture

Here is our half decorated tree. I think the white flash at the bottom is our resident ghost. LOL

J got tired of decorating the tree, because SJ was undecorating it faster. She gave up and left the room.

Maybe next year, he'll be better. I'm not counting on it.

Thank You

Thank you everybody for the get well wishes. They must have worked. My temperature is a healthy (for me) ninety-seven degrees. My back is aching like crazy, but I can still get stuff done and that's what counts.
Today I utterly stuck my foot in my mouth. In fact, I suffer from chronic foot in mouth disease.

I called the person on the phone who I had "footed" in front of within half an hour and left a message. Basically I said, "You know, when I said (x) it came out wrong. I was trying to say (y). Things come out wrong a lot for me. Maybe this is why my son is delaying his speech, because he doesn't want to be an ass like his mother. (Okay, I didn't say ass, but that was the gist of the message.)

I swear that I have Tourette's of the mouth. All the time, strange crap just flies out of me. People will be talking with me and then look at me like, "Up until now, I thought you were a rational human."

As the utterances are flying out my mouth, I am desperately trying to hit rewind, but it is too late.

If Pfizer could make a pill for foot in mouth disease, I know my HMO wouldn't cover it, but I would gladly pay full price.

I don't know what is worse, knowing that you have foot in mouth or not knowing. If you know, you're mortified. If you don't know, you can't figure out why nobody wants to hang with you.

Maybe Santa will bring me a zipper for my mouth.
Our tree is decorated. I wanted to post a picture, but my camera is on the fritz. The top four feet are lovely. The bottom four feet have been plucked clean by SJ, the ornament slinging champion of the world. Do they have that event in the Olympics? They oughtta.

I had a meeting today with a representative from the Department of Education. When SJ starts preschool, they send a bus to the house to pick him up and drop him off.

Ha ha, sure. The best way to terrify my kid would be to plop him on a bus of strangers and send him off. Have a good day, sweetie!

His Mommy can drive him. That is just fine.

Mandy Sends Bearette Some Fan Mail

Dear Bearette,

You can rescue me from a lonely playpen anytime. I will be glad to play with you and wave my short little tail. I bet you would never yell at me if I happened to dribble on the floor. You are so nice to dogs. I am your biggest fan.


Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I Got The Fever

Yuck, I'm sick and whiny. So stand forewarned, I am going to whine. The stereotypical sick man has NOTHING on me, well except for the fact that I need to wait on my own damn self. Nobody else is going to do it. I can't find the thermometer. J was the last one to see it. No telling where it is. So I'm not sure what the temp is.

My hands hurt. My back aches. I am alternately chilled and hot and I am whining about it.

SJ has been great today, not too much trouble at all. would be awfully nice to sit in bed by myself sniveling and moaning, and not doing anything for anybody else.

At least J was in carpool today so I only had to pick up A.

I fantasized that Boots was like the character Carl, the rottweiler in the Alexandra Day books. Carl is a dog that takes care of the baby.

I could say, "Boots, change the baby's diaper. Boots, feed the baby. Boots, pick up Allison from school."

I can picture him driving while Mandy works the pedals. They go to the stop sign. They stall out and everyone is honking.

Boots snarls, "Dammit, I told you to hit the gas NOT sniff my ass! If I get another ticket they're taking my license."

Okay, obviously I have had way too much time on my hands today.

We are leaving town Friday, maybe if the van doesn't break down. Cross your fingers for us. It is a lot of work getting the kids and husband ready. I also have to finish wrapping so blogging will be quite sporadic.

This is probably a good thing, considering my pitiful jokes.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Only Thirteen Days Till Christmas - AAAGGGGHH

Christmas is hovering like a psycho stalker. I can feel it watching me, waiting to pounce. Wait, I'm not done shopping yet!

We got the tree yesterday. My husband has posted pictures on his blog, but I haven't yet. Slacker me!

We went to a tree farm. The tree farms in Apple Hill use the same stumps every year. You have to leave at least two layers of growth. Then they graft (is that the word?) a new tree to the old. I never feel bad buying one of their trees, because I know that I am not killing them, merely borrowing a limb.

There was one problem with this method. Many times I would find what looked like the perfect tree, only to realize it was a clump of three separate trees growing off one trunk. They looked spectacular together but pretty sad individually.

My husband finally found the perfect one about twelve feet off the ground. Finding it probably took us about an hour.

We were going to decorate it tonight, but both "A" and my husband fell asleep. That ain't right!

I am seeing my friend Sarah tomorrow. She has been taking a class at the nearest community college. She has four kids, so one class is plenty. I got an e-mail from her telling me that she got an A on her final and her birthday was Sunday. So I baked her a surprise congratu-birthday cake.

It was going to be red velvet, but I didn't have red food coloring. So it is not pretty, but hopefully tastes good.

Some of my fellow bloggers were complaining of colds. Now I am getting one. Is this what they mean by a computer virus? Did Gina or Bearette give me this? Gee guys, don't you cover your keyboards when you cough?

There is still much for me to do tonight. You know the old saying, "No rest for the wicked." I think I will get to it before the Ny-Quil kicks in.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

I Entered The Contest

Yes, I entered the liposuction contest. I do not have a snowball's chance in hell of winning. Even if I did win, by some fluke, I couldn't accept it. Who would want to pay the taxes on a prize that expensive? Liposuction on my belly would run at least six figures. I did have fun writing the rhyme and wanted to share it.

Dear Morning Rave
Oh help me please
So I can zip
my pants with ease
I've had three kids
but as you see
I look like there's
a fourth in me
If one more schmuck
asks when I'm due
I just might vomit
on their shoes
My spouse says if I get much fatter
he'll have to climb me with a ladder
Even Santa finds me shocking
He stuffs lettuce in my stocking
Dear Morning Rave
I'd love this gift
And next year
Hey - a booby lift

(My husband doesn't really complain about my weight. It's one of his excellent qualities!)

Little Man's First Real Haircut

"SJ" has needed a haircut for some time now. I have been avoiding taking him to the barber because I assumed it would be unsuccessful. I had visions of him writhing Linda Blair-like in the chair before the barber could even get a chance to trim his mane.

I've tried to trim it twice at home with crappy less than optimal results. It was longer on one spot than the other in back and shaped strangely. It has also been getting in his eyes.

I asked "SJ's" speech therapist for a reccomendation and she thought I should try Joe the Barber. She said he had a one-chair barber shop so it would be less distracting.

I called Joe and he asked what time of day was best for "SJ", thus demonstrating his wisdom. The appointment was made for nine o' clock Saturday morning.

I got out of the house late Saturday and broke a few speed limit laws. The nice officer sitting by the side of the road must have had faster fish to fry than me, because I lucked out speeding past him and not getting pulled over. Of course, everyone else was going the same speed so maybe he was busy playing "eenie meanie mynee moe." (Okay, how do you spell mynee?)

We made it to the barber. He still had a customer in his chair. Phew.

This was absolutely, positively a man's hangout!

There was a bookshelf in one corner with an eclectic collection of man stuff. There was a Billy Bass singing fish, a box of "Spotted-Owl Helper", an alligator skull, some postage scales and strange things galore. There was also a lone Happy Meal style Barbie on the shelf. She looked as out of place as I did. The barber shop itself was decorated with San Francisco 49er's memorabilia, a Three Stooges Poster and some photos of Joe's grandkids. The vinyl chairs were so old, a few of them had permanent butt prints. I am NOT making that up. In the back, a door was open to a small bathroom. The seat was UP, probably permanently and it looked like the toilet was unfamiliar with that common household element known as bleach.

"SJ" and I waited for his turn. I was glad that somebody was still in the chair. My husband was about ten minutes behind me in the rental car. (We had to return it that morning.)

My husband showed up just in time with the camera and the all-important cash. This was not a high-tech credit card accepting place.

Joe tried to put "SJ" on a board that would boost him up. "SJ" yelled, "NO!"

Rather than wrestle him, Joe had him sit on his father's lap.

Then I saw something I'd never seen. This man's hands were flying through the air. Snip, snip, duck, snip, snip! It was amazing. "SJ" was not holding still, but the barber was ducking in here and ducking in there and getting hair off at the speed of light.

Partway through the haircut, he pulled out the big guns. He got Billy Bass off his shelf, plugged it in and put it on the TV in front of the chair. Then I pushed the button again and again and again to keep "SJ" looking at the bass. By the time we were done, I think everyone was tired of hearing that fish sing - everyone but SJ anyway.

Joe did a meticulous job. When he was done, there was a little boy sitting in that chair. He looked so grown up, I wanted to cry. He also looked grateful to have his bangs out of his eyes.

Joe the Barber was great, but I told my husband he gets to go alone with "SJ" next time. The Barber Shop is for men and I felt a bit awkward entering its hallowed walls.

For anyone interested in pics, they are below.

From Toddler To Little Boy

Um, Dad, I'm not too sure about this.

Hair today - gone tomorrow.

Half and half.

Look at me. I'm not a baby anymore.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

She's Growing Way Too Fast

Lately, "A" has resembled Seymour in "Little Shop Of Horrors".

I make her something to eat. Five minutes later she says, "FEED ME."

I make her another thing to eat. Five minutes later she says, "FEED ME."

And so on and so forth...

It's actually quite aggravating. I'm not a patient person, and I don't particularly care for feeling like an overworked waitress. (I always did hate the people that wanted something every freaking time they caught sight of me walking by their booth.)

"A" informed me on Wednesday that Friday was pajama day at school. The only problem is that she had outgrown last year's pajamas, ripped the knees out of this year's pair and wasn't getting more until Christmas.

I dug through "J's" hand-me-downs and found a pair of size 8's. They looked huge and I knew I would have to take them in. They fit perfectly.

Seymour has sprouted again.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Somebody Stop This Crazy Ride

Ah, December. It is the month of sugarplums, excited children, Santa Claus, holiday music, good will towards man and general CHAOS AND MAYHEM.

I will visit the gym in January, really I will.

This week I started my baking on Wednesday night. My husband works at home on Friday and Monday so I wanted the baked goods ready for Thursday. He woke up at three a.m. Thursday morning, with the stomach flu. Goody. I was not sending crappy, stale baked goods on Tuesday.

Fortunately, I was able to share most of it with friends who didn't mind at all. Unfortunately, there were still large amounts of sweets begging me to consume them. My usual four-months pregnant belly looks at least five to six months along today. Yuck.

I still have to bake for my husband's co-workers too and finish shopping and finish wrapping and finish decorating and...somebody please just shoot me now. Ho ho holidays.
A local radio station is having a poetry contest where you write a rhyme to compete for the grand prize of...LIPOSUCTION! I am going to enter this. I'm not kidding. Anyone else interested in making a total fool of themselves needs to go to Then click on the rave morning show. The contest is called "happy new rear."
SJ gave us our heart-stopping moment a few days ago. He was standing in the sink. No big deal, right? I started to the kitchen to get him. There are two different entrances to our kitchen. While I was half-heartedly trotting towards one of them, my husband noticed that SJ had his hand on the switch to the garbage disposal. My husband was running like mad, but he didn't make it in time either. Whirrrrrrrr. My heart flew in my throat. I am so thankful that the child did not have his feet or hands or any other body part down in the garbage disposal. That would have been his next step had my husband not hauled him out of the sink.
SJ had the pleasure of doing lots of shopping with me this week. Every time he saw a man with gray hair, he chanted, "I love Papa!"

His grandparents haven't come up in a while. He seems to have forgotten what his real Papas look like. Maybe someday they will come visit us again.

I had to buy walnuts this week to bake with. Those stupid things are expensive. Usaully the grandparents come up and bring some, but they haven't visited us in a while. Maybe someday they will come and visit us again.

Our kitchen still needs to be finished. Usually the grandparents come up and help us with this stuff. They haven't been up in a while though. Maybe someday they will come and visit us again.

Oops, am I sounding repetetive?
I got my van back today. It cost nothing as long as you don't count the rental car. The same jerk who was so rude to me when I took it in was extremely pleasant and gave me personal service. It made me suspicious. What do they know that I don't? They must be expecting me within the next three months for a repeat visit. Too bad they don't have a frequent visitor discount program.
SJ has his first real barber appointment tomorrow. That should go well, really. I can hardly wait.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

You Know You're Old When

On Monday, I picked up "J" and her friend "K" from high school. My windows were up, but a loud thumping was permeating through anyway. "Thumpa thumpa thumpa thump thump thumpa thumpa thump."

Somebody had their radio turned extremely loud. All I could hear was bass, and it was physically painful to my ears. It was vibrating into my ears and down through my body. I'll go ahead and subscribe to AARP now.
"SJ" is starting to pick up a lot of language. He is still not doing a lot of sentence making, but he knows the color yellow and he is saying new words every day. Both his speech therapist and I are excited.

Last night he was having a tantrum and I held up a soda to see if he would stop screaming and ask for it. He screamed more because he wanted it. I kept telling him he had to say, "I want soda."

Finally, at the top of his lungs, he screeched, "I WANT SODA!"

Thank you, Babelbabe and my sister "J", for the various articles you both sent. I think I am getting a good handle of where we are with him.
We have good news on the van. It was the transmission and it is covered. They are going to replace it again. I do hope they hurry up. The rental car is fun to drive, but I don't have to pay to drive my van. (Well, except for insurance, upkeep and crazy gas prices!)
"SJ" is being particularly turdy so this will be a short post.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Is It Time To Rest Yet?

The saga of the money van continued today. The garage where we had our van towed was no longer a Dodge garage. So I had to have it towed to a Dodge garage in a different town.

I talked to the manager there. I told him that we had purchased the van less than three years ago and that it broke down approximately every three months. I told him that the radiator had been replaced twice and the transmission once and that my auto mechanic joked that we were paying for his trip to Hawaii. I asked him to PLEASE make my van safe as I had three kids. He couldn't even manage to get the "fuck you very much" look off his face so I am confident we will receive the kind of service we are used to getting.

I will never buy a Dodge/Chrysler vehicle AGAIN. This big fat lemon has probably cost us about eight-thousand dollars in a little less than three years. I think the car lot KNOWINGLY sold us a piece of shit. They must have laughed as we drove off the lot.
I picked the dogs up from the vet. They had been boarded for three days.

The vet's office charges an extra five bucks a day if you want the dogs to go outside and get some play time while they are being boarded. I always say,"no."

There are two reasons. One reason is that it already costs a fortune to have them boarded. The other reason is that I know for a fact that they take my dogs outside to play anyway. In fact, the kennel attendant had them out playing when I got there. I don't know if they feel sorry for all the dogs and do it anyway or if it is because my dogs are so darn fun.

Regardless, it was another huge cha-ching on the credit card.
Today I also rented a car. I wanted a small sedan, a five-seater. That's what I reserved. When I got there, they "upgraded" me to a Jeep Grand Cherokee. Gee, it uses more gas and has less legroom. What an upgrade!

I will give it that it is fun to drive. That was also another "cha ching" on the credit card. Sigh.
Boots was lingering in the kitchen with me while I cooked dinner. I thought it was because he missed me.

I soon realized that the opportunist was waiting for some table scraps. That's what he really missed.
I took "J" to the doctor again. She has a cough that won't go away. The doctor she saw today is named Dr. McGuire. He has a strong Irish accent. He is a tiny, charming man with almost pointed ears and he was wearing green today. I keep telling my husband that he is a leprechaun, but he's not buying it.
This all sounds really whiny doesn't it? I did not intend to sound whiny. Perhaps I just need a foot rub. Yeah, that's the ticket. Somebody buy me one of those massaging foot rub thingies for Christmas. Or maybe I will just buy one myself. After today, I deserve it. Cha-ching!

Sunday, December 04, 2005

It's Beginning To Look A Bit Like Christmas

"A" wanted to do a craft this afternoon. I wanted to do the least messy one, meaning NO PAINTS.

We found a craft online that showed how to make Rudolph pictures. The face of Rudolph is the kid's foot traced. The antlers are their hands. "A" has gotten so big that the antlers came over the top of the paper.

She gussied hers up a bit with snowflakes. "SJ" merely let me trace one hand and his foot and I had to do the rest. So I didn't do snowflakes.

We decorated a bit today. We put angels on our shelf and hung stockings from it.

I hung up a wreath that my friend Laurie made me about three years ago.

We have some presents wrapped and sitting under a tree. It's not a Christmas tree. It's my fake ficus (I call it fake-ass) tree.

Next weekend we get our real tree. Now if only I can find the rest of my decorations in the storage shed of doom.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

No Visiting For Us

I wasn't going to post again until Monday, but here we are at home. We started for my mother's house Friday night. Forty-five minutes into the drive my "money" van broke down. We waited an hour for a tow truck and then all five of us rode home in its cab.

The bright side of the whole thing was the tow truck driver was a pretty funny guy.

Unfortunately, there are a lot more negative things - things like having car repairs and rental costs right around Christmas.

If it is the transmission, which my husband suspects, it should all be covered. We had it completely replaced on June 28th of this year. I'm sure it won't be that easy though. We will hear something along the lines of, "Well the reason the transmission failed is that the doohickey here malfunctioned. The doohickey is NOT covered." We shall see.

We purchased this van "pre-owned" just before SJ was born. We have had the radiator replaced twice, numerous leaks sealed, drum brakes replaced, and the transmission replaced. That's only about half of what has been done. Our car repair receipts look like a hyprochondriac's medical chart.
"A" is going on a field trip to the fish hatchery Monday. She is learning about the life cycle of the salmon. Imagine my surprise when she was playing salmon and I heard her say, "SJ, come fertilize my eggs." This stuff can not be made up.
My husband was flipping through channels a few days ago and I saw a show called, "Too Young To Be A Father."

"Oh," I said. "That must be the lemon channel."

"You do know that LMN stands for Lifetime Movie Network right?"

Well, of course I know, but with titles like, "My Daughter Did The Football Team" and "He Came First And Left Me Hanging" I think "lemon" is more apt.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Off to Mom's House

Tomorrow we are going to my Mom's house. That will be good for all sorts of stories when Monday arrives. Too bad she reads my blog. Hee hee.

Tomorrow I am also taking cookies to A's school for a bake sale. My cookies tend to come out pretty good, but they aren't tonight. Why is it that when it is REALLY important for something to come out good, it doesn't?

They don't taste horrid, but they are not as good as my usual cookies. I taste- tested them several times to make sure.

Tonight, my husband cooked dinner. The only thing sexier would be if he actually did the dishes afterward. Of course, now I'm being greedy, don't you think?

SJ is starting to talk more. His speech therapist is extremely impressed with his progress. He used his first three word sentence last week. (I want drink.) He is also starting to get his pronouns right. Woo hoo!

We finally have real November weather. It is raining and gusting outside. There is snow about half an hour to forty-five minutes up the hill. All the skiers and snowboarders are happy. Just a few weeks ago, it was in the low 70's. I took full advantage.

My children are trying to make me more crazy than I already am lately. Perhaps they had a huddle while I wasn't around.

"A" ripped the knees out of her new corduroy pants. In the last two weeks, she has additionally ripped out a pair of jeans, a pair of sweats and a pair of pajamas - all newly purchased. What is she doing to her pants?

"A" also started crying like Lucy Ricardo when she got in trouble and had to go to bed early. Only imagine the crying a lot more high-pitched. She then proceeded to argue for ten more minutes with me, causing visions of floggings to dance through my head. Damn child abuse laws!

"SJ" opened the door to the dishwasher and proceeded to use it as a trampoline.

I also caught him "weighing" himself on my postal scale. It goes up to three pounds.

"J" went to the drug store to buy a birthday present for her friend. She had twenty dollars. She grabbed a bunch of stuff without checking the prices. The total came to twenty-four something. She is famous for doing this to me. Some day I won't be there to bail her out. Then she can be embarrassed because she is a dork, not because I'm scolding her in front of the cashier.

This has not been a bad week. Usually my children are much more lively. I won't be posting again until Friday. Sorry to leave everyone with such a boring post. Have a great weekend.