Saturday, March 29, 2008

Lose Some - Gain Some

I lost some weight this week. I have the feeling I gained all of it back in one day.

So hard to lose, so easy to gain. Sigh. It's exactly the opposite of money.

The lack of Paxil is beginning to affect me or maybe my children are extraordinarily turdy today. It could be that. Let's blame it on the children.

They are arguing right now in fact.

I forgot to share my favorite Easter story. Sammy asked me to come sit with him when he was eating his candy. I thought it was because he was going to share.

It was actually because he wanted help opening it.

When I asked him if I could have some, he said, "The Easter Bunny will bring you some later."

Kids are always good for a laugh when they're not driving you stark, raving mad.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Maybe If I Start Writing...

Maybe if I start writing, I'll find something interesting to write about, or maybe not.

It has been a really long week. After two weeks of vacation, it is hard to adjust back to a schedule. I'm exhausted but not sleeping well either.

There is the possibility I'm not sleeping well because I quit my Paxil cold turkey. It wasn't intentional. I forgot to pick them up Saturday. My pharmacy is usually open on Sunday, but I forgot Sunday was Easter.

In a lucky twist of fate, I realized on Sunday that my long missing motivation to do something besides sit on my arse had returned. Also, the crazy carb cravings have become manageable.

Coincidence? I don't know. I do know that I haven't killed anybody yet and we are saving forty dollars a month on pills.

My checkbook hates being in the black so I spent the forty dollars, or at least thirty-five of it, on new bras this week.

My husband was getting offended at the fact that I was still wearing nursing bras from nine years ago. Men! Yeesh.

The nursing bras weren't cheap and they are still in good shape. However they are quite ugly. I picked Thursday of this week for my shopping expedition.

Bra shopping isn't fun in any way shape or form . Some bras fit all the way around but the cups were too big. Some had cups that fit but the straps squeezed me like a boa constrictor. Some smashed me like a pancake. Some buckled under the weight.

I tried on some sports bras too. None of them held the girls in place at all. One of them even had a nifty zipper in the front. Well it looked nifty but it didn't want to work. I couldn't seem to simultaneously lift the boobs up into the bra and zip it. Had I managed the herculean task, undoing the bra could have been quite dangerous, even fatal. So I passed.

Finally I found a style I liked and purchased two, one pink and one black. They are comfortable but I have that unfortunate fifties housewife nasa rocket look going on. I also resent paying thirty-five dollars for two bras. There's not five dollars worth of material each in the damn things.

After bra shopping was over, I attempted to navigate the mall. Three looks at the map later and I finally found Lane Bryant. I've wanted a small shrug for a while to go over my tank tops in the summer, just enough to cover those upper arms. I knew if anyone would have it, the fat chick store would, and they did. They had some cute swimsuits too but since they didn't extend from neck to knee, they didn't cover enough for me.

Hmmm, other exciting news...let's see. Thinking...

I started to go into anaphylactic shock again this week. Since I have no clue why, I'll maybe switch to a bigger purse and start carrying the epi-pen with me.

Oh and my foot hurts. It started hurting on the top and has worked its way to the bottom. The pain is in the ball of the foot under the two smallest toes. So jogging is out until it heals, if it heals. It's time to do the hellishly boring elliptical for a while which I know is a better workout. But I really like jogging. Wah.

Wait how did I forget the one real, exciting (to me) piece of news?

My daughter is driving, DRIVING! She is taking herself to school and work and choir practice and friend's houses and I even sent her to buy toilet paper! Heaven, it is sheer heaven. I never realized how much of my time she was taking up until I got it back. One down, two to go...heh heh.

And now, a very pesky five-year old wants to go to bed RIGHT NOW. He won't quit pestering me. Maybe somebody will die this week after all. (me from frustration)

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Happy Eastaaaaaar

Nothing, but nothing, screams Easter like Pirates of the Caribbean eggs.

Rumor has it some of ye more scandalous wenches have requested that Johnny Depp hide his eggs in your basket.

Arrrrrrrr, For shame!

Monday, March 17, 2008

Sammy's Birthday Cake

I completely forgot to mention that this year's cake came out much better than the one last year.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Vinnie for President

Note: I hope I don't offend anybody with this piece. I realize opinions are like rear ends. We all have them. Your opinion may differ from mine and all opinions are welcome. Friendly debate is always encouraged. Just don't be bashing me man! :)

A person would have to be living in a cave not to realize that the upcoming presidential election is VERY IMPORTANT.

So what happens when an election is important and we need a strong, new person to run our country?

We get crap to vote for, just like in the last two presidential elections!

Way back when, the first time Bush ran for president, my husband and I tuned into one of the debates between him and Gore. While I can't remember what they debated, I do remember the one line that Gore repeated over and over. "Those tax cuts you are planning only go to the wealthiest one-percent of Americans!"

Did he have much more to say than that? No. He was a total Whiny McWhinerson. The majority of people hear enough whining in their daily lives so Bush won.

What did Gore do? He had the votes recounted and recounted again. Then he said it was the Clintons fault he lost. See! Whiny McWhinerson!

For the next election, the democrats offered up John Kerry. It seems not much about him resonated with voters either. On the bright side, Herman Munster jokes abounded.

Now here we are again. It is time to make a change in this country. At the very least, it would be nice for a Democratic president.

(I am neither a Democrat or Republican for the record, just saying it's time for a change.)

What is offered up to us? HILARY CLINTON! If that woman's nose grew every time she lied, astronauts could hitch to it and shimmy up to the moon. And speaking of lying, when she ran for the senate, didn't she say she had no interest in running for president?

I think she's either very arrogant or very stupid to think she can win. (Hilary supporters feel free to come back and say neener neener neener to me if she does win.)

Then we have Obama. When Oprah starts backing somebody, I start to worry. Oprah, we love you but we don't want you involved with political decision making.

What we need is a candidate who will appeal to men AND women. We are tired of voting for the candidate who sucks the least. We want a candidate we can get excited about. So, without more rambling, I present to you VIN DIESEL!

Men will admire him because he's tough.

I can imagine him now making the phone calls to the countries that owe us money.

"Hello, Mr. Dictator Beelzebub of Hell. It has come to my attention that you owe us ten billion dollars. We very much need you to start paying us back so we can apply it to our national debt."

"But, Mr. President, I don't have the money. I spent it on yachts and a castle."

"Mr. Beelzebub, do I need to come visit and get medieval on your buttocks?"

"Oh no, no need for that Mr. President, I will start selling off some of my assets. In fact, I am putting a check in the mail as we speak."

"That's more like it. Have a great day. I'll be in touch."

Women would never miss watching a State of the Union address. In fact they would have parties arranged around them, much like men do for football games. We might even notice what he was talking about over the ribald comments and catcalls.

Now if only we can talk him into running...

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Day Two of a Two Week Spring Break

Setting: Cluttered middle-class house

Characters: Azure - sitting at computer
Sammy - standing near computer, mad because he is grounded from it
Mother - praying for her sanity

Sammy hits Azure.

Mother (for the umpteenth time): No hitting!

Sammy to Azure: You're a butthead!

Azure to Sammy: No, you're a butthead!

Sammy (yelling in high-pitched voice) : Mom, Azure called me a butthead!

Azure: He called me a butthead first.

And so on and so forth.

And that's why I associate beer with spring break.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Decisions, Decisions

My Mom gave me money for my birthday. I haven't decided what to spend it on yet.

Money around this house has a way of disappearing, a twenty for the husband's lunch, forty for my daughter to go play laser tag, etc.

Before it all disappears, I thought I might go get a tattoo.

I'm torn between the top dragon on the left or the dragon that is three over from the one on the left.

What do y'all think?

Saturday, March 08, 2008

A Few Random Thoughts

Has anyone else ever noticed the birds that feed in the McDonald's parking lot are corpulent? I'm sure they don't care. Wouldn't it be nice to be an animal and not care if you were fat?

I'm sure there is a down side to being a fat bird. Sure, you're never hungry but I bet you're quite a bit slower; savory pickings for the hawk.

If hawks could talk, it might go like this. "Hey Earl, I'm gonna fly over to McDonald's to catch one of those Big 'n Tastys. Wanna come?"
Why do my children, who have a bedroom full of toys, prefer the computer? Why am I the total idiot that keeps buying them toys?

Happy Birthday. Here's a cake. Screw the presents. You won't play with 'em anyway.

Yeah, that'll win me mother of the year.
Why is it that women find normally unattractive guys desirable when they sing? Look at Tom Petty, Ric Ocasek and and Chris Robinson. Do you think maybe these guys looked in the mirror and realized they were never going to get laid unless they were in a band?

Not a bad life plan if you can pull it off.

Friday, March 07, 2008

My Muffins, My Muffins, My Muffins - not YOUR Muffins

Sammy has ABA therapy four days a week. The team meeting, where we discuss his progress and goals, is every Thursday morning at 8:30. I always make a treat for us to share for breakfast. This Thursday I made strawberry muffins.

I made a double batch so there would be some for the meeting and some for the family. They were delicious. In fact I wish I hadn't tasted them. Tasting one led to my eyes rolling back in my head. Consequently, I tasted three or four more.

There were only two left this morning. I sent those to school with Jasmine. Sammy was not happy. He proceeded to voice his displeasure for a good fifteen minutes. Hell hath no fury like Sammy when one has eaten the last of a food he is crazy about. So I baked more solely to get him to stop yelling about it.

This recipe is gluten-free but I'll put modifications for those of you who are lucky enough to use wheat flour.

Gluten-free flour has to be blended to get a similar protein content to wheat flour. I use a Betty Hagman blend. The woman was an utter genius. If she were still alive, I would gladly kiss her feet. I have seriously considered building a shrine to her in my kitchen.

Her gluten-free mix is as follows.

6 cups white rice flour
2 cups potato starch (not potato flour - completely different animals)
1 cup tapioca starch

Mix these all together. They measure cup for cup like wheat flour in baking.

And now for the recipe. Ta da!

Gluten-Free Strawberry Muffin Recipe

2 eggs, separated
1 cup sugar
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup casein-free margarine (Lucky ducks can use butter)
1 1/2 tsp vanilla (I love vanilla)
1/4 tsp salt
1 1/2 cups gluten-free flour, sifted (Wheat flour for the rest of you)
1 1/2 tsp guar or xantham gum (not necessary when baking with wheat)
1 1/2 tsp baking powder (1 tsp if you're using wheat)
1/3 cup vanilla-flavored milk substitute (regular milk is fine for dairy consumers)
2 cups fresh strawberries, finely diced

Heat your oven to 350. Grease or line one muffin pan.

Beat the egg whites until stiff. Add about 1/4 cup of the sugar to them in order to keep them stiff.

Take one TBS of flour and toss your diced strawberries with it to coat. Set aside.

Sift together the rest of the flour, the guar gum and baking powder.

Cream margarine. Add in salt and vanilla. Gradually add in remaining sugar, then the egg yolks. Beat until light and creamy.

Add sifted dry ingredients alternately with the milk. Fold in the beaten whites. Then fold in the strawberries.

Spoon the batter into your muffin pan. Sprinkle the tops with sugar. Bake approximately 25 minutes.

You can use blueberries in these muffins but the strawberries were by far more delicious.