Tuesday, October 31, 2006

A Truly Terrifiying Tale

Denise paid the taxi driver and began walking up her driveway. Her heels clicked loudly as she stomped to the front door.

Her husband, Bill, never met her at the airport that evening. She tried to call him for two hours before she gave up and called for a cab. Now it was dark and late and she was exhausted and angry.

She grabbed the doorknob and the door pushed open.

Instantly, her annoyance turned to apprehension. Bill never, but never would have left the front door open. He was deathly afraid that somebody would steal his cherished collection of Star Wars toys.

Then she smelled it, the stench of decay. Something was very, very wrong.

"Hello," she called nervously.

There was no answer.

Denise very cautiously entered the house, turning on the lights as she went.

The smell got stronger, overpowering. She began to gag.

And then she saw a pair of feet sticking out near the couch. She slowly rounded the couch and saw him.

Bill was prone on the floor, still holding a piece of pizza in his hands. He was very definitely dead. There were no signs of foul play though. He appeared to have simply collapsed.

Denise frowned. He had been a fine husband for the first two months of their four-year marriage.

But that smell, she could still smell it. While Bill reeked of body odor and cheap cologne, he was not the source of that hideous, decaying smell.

She stepped over his protruding belly and again began tip-toeing through the house. She rounded the corner and then she saw it.

Denise began to tremble in shock.

Her kitchen, her beautiful kitchen was trashed. Dirty dishes were piled in the sink and on the counters. The trash was overflowing. Pizza cartons and take out containers were everywhere. Soda cans were thrown on the floor with sticky left- over soda congealing on her tile.

Her granite countertops; she couldn't even see them! Flies were buzzing everywhere eating the rotten food.

Bill had not cleaned the kitchen in the whole week she was on her business trip!

Denise imagined how long it would take her to put everything to rights. Hours, it would take hours! Her kitchen, the pride of her home, was a hideous shambles.

Denise sank to her knees, shrieking in agony, "Why, God, why?"

Monday, October 30, 2006

My Cecil

It is so hard to get a picture of somebody that won't sit still!

Here are my best attempts!

Say What!

My sixteen-year old daughter and I listen to much of the same music.

Some of her stuff, I consider too "out there." And some of my stuff, she considers "old fogey."

Since I mostly listen to music when I'm driving, that's when I hear something on the radio I like. Then I'll ask her who sings it.

So it's been like, "Oh that's the Black-Eyed Peas, Blink 182, etc..

I was a little taken aback to find myself enjoying a 50 cent song. That wasn't something I would have expected.

Recently I started enjoying a song with a good dance beat, not that I can dance, but it seems like a good dance beat for those who can.

I told my daughter I liked it and she kind of laughed. I didn't ask who sang it.

Today I found out the song is by...Justin Timberlake! AAARRRGGGHHHHH!

On a creep factor scale of 1 to 10, he's a 12! There's the whole mousketeer, Britney Spears, wardrobe malfunction thing. Shudder!

Maybe I'll stick to the public radio classical music station, although when they have their pledge drives, I feel guilty for listening for free.
Long's Drug was having a Halloween candy sale today. I purchased some candy for the third time!

We've gone through four bags.

When I sat on the couch this morning, and saw my belly, it was blatantly obvious that I was channeling Nacho Libre.

I've already lost the new bags somewhere in the clutter. Please let me find them before tomorrow.

I also deposited the money in the bank from the last two puppies. Too bad it all goes toward property taxes.

Property taxes bite the big one, don't they? All taxes bite the big one, in my opinion. And what does the government do with all that money? Why are all these bond issues on the ballot? Why am I here? What is the meaning of life?

Anyway, where was I?
My oldest daughter made a funny the other day.

I was washing the dishes and I couldn't find the SOS pads.

Does anybody remember "The Land of the Lost?" In the beginning the family rafted into a whirlpool and went through some vortex into another time, or something like that.

Anyway, that same vortex is in my house. Cavemen on the other side are finding things like my lipstick, my $50.00 Borders gift card from last Christmas, my gym padlock and that missing Halloween candy.

So as I was saying, I was looking for the SOS pads that had been sucked through the vortex, while doing a lot of complaining.

And my daughter says, "I guess that makes them SOL pads."

Yes indeed my dear, yes indeed.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Of Dogs And Puppies

For anybody interested in where the puppies went, this is the update post.

The first puppy to sell was Ava. My son's behavioral therapist wanted a puppy when she found out Mandy was pregnant.

Their dog had died of old age and she has a teen son who wanted a new companion. They picked Ava out when she was two weeks old.

Her son then asked her frequently, "Is she ready yet?"

They picked Ava up when she was eight weeks. They brought along an old quilt to rub on her Mama so she had something that smelled like her.

On the way here, they dropped about a hundred bucks at PetSmart. Ava had a new pink bed, a collar, food and other accessories.

Ava, who is now named "Moose", is going to be a therapy dog.

The second puppy to leave us was Tony. Tony is now named "Samuel L. Jackson" after the owner's favorite actor. Coincidentally, Samuel Jackson is one of my favorite actors too.

Tony's new owner has a child in the same class as my youngest daughter. We had already met, but didn't realize it until she got here.

She picked Tony because he had a curly little tail. The vet told her though, that it may have to be amputated for medical reasons. I offered to exchange puppies with her, but she was already bonded with him. If he has to have it removed, I will be paying half the costs.

Before she picked up Tony, she had already purchased a crate and a gate for him. She knew he was dominant and has been putting in the extra work required for a dominant dog. He has to sit before being petted or fed. I'm glad he went to somebody who was willing to put in the extra time.

Nicole was the third to be sold. She was the sweetest little girl. She was also Andy's best friend. I know he missed her.

Nicole went to an older lady who works part time at a school library. She had lost her parents and husband in the space of a year and a half. It had been a year since she had been widowed and she wanted a companion.

Her last dog had died of old age. Her father had owned a Boston as a child and she had always been interested in the breed. She even brought an old picture of her Dad with a Boston.

She took Nicole to school with her and the kids enjoyed it very much.

The fourth one to sell was Andy. Andy moved to Reno, Nevada.

His new name is Chester.

The family he went to has a young son. They were obviously a very active family.

Chester will be going camping and to the beach with them.

They said he is already house-broken and he loves to chase the leaves in the back yard. Their son likes to get up with them for his one a.m. potty break.

They couldn't be more pleased with him.

Last, but not least, we placed Dottie. She went to the family with four kids.

They had an adult pug dog who was already playing with her the first day. Plus the kids were enjoying her immensely.

I sent paperwork with all the puppies with our phone number and e-mail. If anybody has any questions or concerns, I am available.

I offered lifetime placement assistance. If for any reason, somebody can't keep one of them, I will help find him/her a new home.

They had three days to get a vet check and return the puppy if there were any health issues.

They were immunized and their dew claws were removed. They were socialized and healthy.

They went home with a towel that smelled like Mom and a few days serving of Puppy Chow.

The adopters had to answer this lengthy list of questions, stolen from the internet.

Your name and address?

Have you ever had another pet?

What happened to it?

Do you have a pet now?

If yes, then how long have you had it?

What size is your current pet?

If you have another pet, is it altered?

Will you be altering (spaying/neutering) the puppy when it reaches sexual maturity?

Do you own your home or rent?

Do you have a fenced yard?

If you currently have a pet, name and phone number of your veterinarian. Adopters who provide a veterinary reference are given priority.

Will the pet be a member of your family or a gift for someone else?

Do you plan on crating the dog? For how long each day?

If the pet has an accident in the house, what type of correction do you plan to use?

How many hours per day will the pet be alone?

Do you have children?

How old are they?

Have they ever been around pets?

Will the puppy be living inside or outside?

The first test was that people be willing to answer these questions. If people wanted to buy a puppy with no questions asked, I felt they could go elsewhere.

This may be part of the reason the puppies took so long to sell. It was worth it to find good homes for them.

Between immunizations, dewclaws, tail dockings, vet bills, puppy chow and the damage done to my front bathroom, I think I actually lost money. :) It was expensive emotionally too.

But this wasn't something I did for money, in fact this wasn't something I had planned on doing at this time.

Since I was irresponsible and my dog got pregnant, I hope I handled the placing of the puppies in the most responsible way.

I feel good about the homes they went to and I am thrilled that my hubby let me keep Cecil.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Superheroes Unite!

Has anybody else been watching Heroes on TV?

It's about a group of people who have developed different super powers. Their mission is to save the world.

I have been too modest to admit it up until now, but I too have a super power.

That's right folks. I am the toilet paper fairy.

Nobody, but nobody else around here is capable of putting toilet paper on the roll. They sit down. They use the bathroom. They empty the paper roll. They walk off.

I am the one who swoops in quickly and replenishes the roll. Nobody in this house has to face the dreaded situation called "drip dry."

Not only am I the only one who can fill the roll, I am the only one who can find the toilet paper.

I can bring home a package of toilet paper the size of the Empire State Building and sit it in the middle of the family room floor. Then I magically make it invisible. Nobody sees it or takes it back to the bathroom.

They all walk around it, for weeks if need be.

Then, if by some horrid anomaly of the space time continuum, I have lapsed in my refilling duties, I hear, "Where's the toilet paper?"

Where indeed?

I snatch up the toilet paper only I can see and fly to their rescue.

I pull out a roll and hand it to them, at which point it becomes magically visible.

When they are done with the roll, and they place it ON TOP of the dispenser, I go in and set things to rights.

I may not be worshipped like that blasted Santa Claus or the tooth fairy, but I am a necessary super hero. Just try to live without me, just try!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Proud Mama

I miss blogging. I really do. :(

I think I've talked about our next door neighbors before. When they moved in and I saw kids, I was very excited.

Then I found out they were very religious home-schoolers. While they are very nice people, I can tell that we are the bad example they show their kids.

"Hear them yelling all the time little Timmy? Pray for them because they're going straight to hell."

I was sweeping the front porch Saturday and they pulled up in their drive. Usually we try to pretend we don't see each other so we can avoid the stilted hellos.

Only my youngest daughter and my son were on the porch with me.

My son, when he yells hi, yells it and yells it and yells it.

So he yelled, "Hi Christian!" Thank goodness his speech is hard to understand. I don't think they understood him. Then he kept yelling it. "Hi Christian."

I said, "SJ, one hello is plenty, remember?"

Then my daughter yells to them, "Don't mind my brother. He's possessed!"

If only the porch could have opened up and swallowed me alive at that time. I wouldn't have minded.
All the puppies except for Cecil are gone.

Dottie went last to a family with four kids. There were two girls that seemed to be about five and six, a boy about three and an eight-month old baby boy.

Their last name was Trojan. Heh heh heh.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Don't Press The Blue Button

This is a very quick check-in.

We left town last Thursday and came home on Monday night. All the dirty laundry came with us.

The first day of our visit, I showered in my MIL's bathroom. The first thing I noticed was how shiny and clean her shower was compared to my shower.

On a side note, if you are ever house shopping, and there is a bathroom with WHITE tile and WHITE grout, run screaming!

My MIL had a new soap dispenser with a blue button. I pushed the button but no soap came out. I did hear an odd beeping, but nothing happened. There was bar soap so I used that.

Suddenly, a spray of ammonia-scented fluid began spraying on me from the "soap dispenser". I realized it was one of those new-fangled shower cleaners that hangs in your shower and sprays it daily.

I pushed the button again and it shut down. Let's hope I didn't break it.

I highly reccomend one of these for cleaning your shower, but not your skin.
Danielle Steel has a perfume out, really! It's called "Danielle."

Creative, huh?

If you wear it, you will get hit by a car and lose your leg. But you WILL triumph over this adversity, minus one leg of course!

Happy Hump Day!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Andy and Dottie

"Please, Mom, how could you sell us?"

A and "Lily"

"A" had a class project. Lily came home with her and they got to have "adventures" together.

Lily went to taekwondo and McDonald's with us. Maybe her cholesterol level should be checked now.

Friday, October 06, 2006

For Aunt Evelyn

My Aunt Evie has sent me this questionairre twice now.

I told her she gave me my Friday topic. I'll answer it here.

Bearette did this one too on her blog.

Of course I can't stick to one word answers. That wouldn't be in character now, would it?

1. FIRST NAME? Carolyn - I've always hated my name. Sorry Mom.

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes, my alcoholic grandmother who died after drinking sterno. That was on my Dad's side. On my Mom's side, her Dad liked the name Caroline, after a little girl he knew in school. (He liked to dunk her pigtails in the inkwells.) So the name was picked to please my Dad and my Grandpa. Did I mention I hate my name?

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? When I had my cat laid away. I also cried over the two puppies we lost. I have fulfilled my crying quota for the year in the last three months.

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I've been told it's like my Uncle Dan's. That's kind of cool. But I prefer to type.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? I like a veggie sanwich, like Subway makes.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Only if I didn't have to visit myself more than once every couple of weeks.

7. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? No, just the blog.


9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Bwack, bwack, bwack, bwack. That's me making chicken noises and flapping my arms. Hell, no!

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Frosted Lucky Charms, they're magically delicious.


12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? I'm stronger than a bread box.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Chocolate chip, Dreyer's. That's the Edy's brand on the East coast.

14.SHOE SIZE? Ten wide. And why did all the damn stores quit carrying wides? What the hell is up with that?

5. RED OR PINK? Red. It's loud like me.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My tendency to get depressed and be crabby.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? It's not a who really. I miss having a friend like in high school, someone to hang out with and roar with laughter together.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? I want everyone who wants to do this to do it. How's that?

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS, SHIRT AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? I'm wearing turquoise capri sweat pants. Hey, it's Friday. I just left the shower, so my shirt is a towel. Shoes, who needs 'em?

20. LAST THING YOU ATE? Gluten-free cornflakes with almond milk. Are you sorry you asked?

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My computer whirring, a clock ticking.


23. FAVORITE SMELL? The top of a baby's head.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? The veterinary receptionist. They tried to charge me for something they told me they wouldn't.



27. FAVORITE DRINK? Water, but margaritas are good for special occasions.

28. FAVORITE SPORT? I used to love to play basketball. I like watching women play it.

29. EYE COLOR? Blew

30. HAT SIZE? I look hideous in a hat.


32. FAVORITE FOOD? That's like asking Imelda Marcos to pick out a favorite pair of shoes. Come on now.


35. SUMMER OR WINTER? Both for different reasons. All the seasons have something to offer.

36. HUGS OR KISSES? Depends on who is giving them out.

37. FAVORITE DESSERT? See question 32.

38. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Do I LOOK like a magic eight ball?

39. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? See question 38.

40. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? I'm embarrassed to admit "Dance of the Gods."

41. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE Pad? My son took the mouse pad outside and the dogs ate it.

42. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? I went to my daughter's choir concert. No TV. I missed Ugly Betty. Can anybody tell me what happened?

43. FAVORITE SOUNDS? When someone says, "Dinner was really good tonight."


45. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? Prince Edward Island, Canada. It's the furthest from my current home.

46. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? Gluten-free baking.

47. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Pittsfield, Maine. It's the Pitts.

48 WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? See the title above.

Have a great weekend all!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Busy As A Mom

Ha, A bee isn't half as busy as I am! At least the bee gets to go to bed when the sun goes down.

While I can think of tons of things to post when I'm not in front of the computer, once I sit down it all goes away. Aaargh!

The kids have their Halloween costumes. SJ is going to be the cookie monster. It's not the world's cutest cookie monster costume, but he seems happy with it.

My daughter, A, is going to be the grim reaper. She's a bit of a tomboy! She has also been invited to a Halloween party. How cool is that? I am a bit jealous, as my kids have more of a social life than I do.
I was listening to the radio today and the DJs were talking about the most played songs at funerals.

One of them was "Wind Beneath My Wings."

I had to laugh because my friend, many years ago, had this played at her wedding. Alas, the groom was a jerk and the wedding did not last.

That song may best be left to funerals.

The DJs then joked about playing "Highway to Hell" and "Stairway to Heaven".

What song would you like played at your funeral?

I would prefer Cake's "The Roof Is On Fire."

I want to be cremated so the song makes perfect sense.
The DJs also talked about a new line of scented candles that are coming out.

Bath and Body Works are collaborating with Elton John to produce this line.

There will also be scented rocks called "Elton Rocks."

Alas, there will be no penis-shaped candles to help us light the way. Pity.
Yesterday "A" had a play date. I frantically cleaned the house and shut the door to my bedroom. I hadn't made it back quite that far.

Well, of course they decided to play hide and seek. AND of course she hid in my bedroom.

And of course after I told her not to do it, she did it AGAIN!

Let's show our company the bedroom of doom not once, but twice.

It serves her right the dentist had to put in a crown today. Don't worry, she got laughing gas.

I wish they would have sent some home with me.

Then when I finally flop down at night ready to rest, and the kids jump on top of me, I could administer it to them. Or maybe even better, I could breathe it myself.