Sunday, July 30, 2006

Quiet Time

My husband has gone to San Francisco on a business trip.

My oldest is off school so she went with him.

Both of the youngest are in bed.

And soaking up the quiet, at least until the boy wakes up and starts screaming for me.
The ear drops the doctor so helpfully prescribed for me are by Bausch & Lomb.

The eye drops the other doctor had prescribed were also by Bausch & Lomb.

Somehow I mixed them up and discovered I was putting eye drops in my ear.

The packages looked quite similar, and nobody has ever accused me of possessing keen powers of observation.

What is it with Bausch & Lomb? Are they the company that makes stuff to put in your various holes?

Their new motto must be, "Bausch & Lomb. We have your orifices covered."
Mandy is getting tired of feeding the puppies.

Before their eyes opened, they lurched like zombies looking for a meal.

Now they jump on her like the gorilla in those old Samsonite commercials.

Does anybody else remember those?
Youngest daughter "A" started 2nd grade on Friday, yes Friday.

She likes her new teacher. That is always good.

She's also gone for six hours a day. She belongs to somebody else for six hours.


The teacher's last name sounds much like an alcoholic drink.

Coincidence? I think not.

Another July Birthday

Today is my oldest daughter's sixteenth birthday.

I am feeling old today. Aieee.

Happy Birthday J!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

A Little Birdie Told Me....

Happy Birthday to the lady
Who gave birth to me
I won't tell nobody
Yer a hunnert and three

Today is my nephew's birthday too!

Friday's Fourteen

This idea was shamelessly stolen from Bearette.

It will be Friday in a few hours. :)

Fourteen Facts About My Misspent Youth:

1. I decided at a young age I didn't like babies.

2. This was because when my aunt visited with my cousin, she said, "Shhhhh, the baby is sleeping."

3. Due to the fact I avoided babies so completely, I knew nothing about them. So until I reached the ripe old age of eighteen, I thought that they could crawl as soon as they were born.

4. I was the tallest kid in my class from kindergarten on.

5. I was the first girl to grow breasts.

6. From the fourth grade on, I was boy crazy.

7. The boys never liked me, maybe because I was six inches or more taller than most of them.

8. I received my first kiss when I was about thirteen.

9. I thought it was gross.

10. In grade school, I found my Dad's nudie magazines. I snuck them to school to show the other kids.

11. When the teachers found out, they were so busy laughing, they didn't bother to call my parents. Phew!

12. My Dad never asked about his nudie magazines. I don't know why to this day.

13. When the other kids and I did something we weren't supposed to, I was the only one who ever got caught.

14. Once again, I think it was because I was six or so inches taller than most of them. All the parents recognized me.

Now let's hear your stories.

The Babies and One Praying Mantis

Spooning Each Other

Too Fat To Lay On His Belly

Visiting Mantis

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Well I Tried

I tried to post some puppy pictures, but Blogger sucks as usual. I may try again later.
I want to tell you a story that isn't mine, but my Dad's. (not my biological Dad, my other one.)

When he was in Vietnam, a guy in his unit received a Dear John letter from his girlfriend. She wanted him to mail her picture back to her.

All the guys in the unit that had pictures of their girlfriends, pulled them out of their wallets.

He mailed her back all the pictures with the line, "Which one are you?"
And now I must go cook breakfast for the children.

Have a great hump day.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Not Much Worth Posting

You know you have been reading too much when your three-year old:

A. Tears your book from your hands

B. Throws it across the room


C. Runs over to stomp on it for good measure.
I went to the doc yesterday. The ear canal is swollen so he gave me a prescription for drops. That needs to be filled today.

Before the appointment I had to drive my oldest to singing lessons, in my minivan, which has no air-conditioning AND it's 107 degrees outside.

So I was sweaty and my deodorant hadn't worked. There was no time to shower before the appointment. I wanted to tell the doctor not to get TOO close.

Isn't that the way it always goes?

At least I didn't have my middle child with me. She likes to fart while we're waiting in the exam room. What a treat for the doctor to walk into.
My oldest is turning 16 soon. Where does the time go?

Why is it called sweet sixteen though? Sure she's sweet...when she's getting her way.

Aren't we all?

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Ask Me How I Am

Visit to emergency vet including x-rays to count puppies: $160.00

Visit to emergency vet to have puppy laid away $80.00

Visit to get dew claws and two tails removed including
Advantage flea control $250.00

Postpartum visit to treat mother dog's infection $150.00

The knowledge that I am single-handedly helping the
veterinarian pay his son's way through an Ivy League College: Priceless
My family tends to suffer from PMS, not theirs - mine. Sometimes I'm just a little bit crabby. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmingly angry that just asking me how I am, is likely to unleash a torrent of banshee-like wailing. This is one of those angry weeks.

I appear to have an ear infection. (appointment Monday) My stomach hurts. I'm exhausted and cuddly as a porcupine. And everybody from the kids to the dog is on my last nerve.

Things would be fine if we had a tee-pee in the back yard to throw me in that nobody would come near.

The kids have decided it would be the perfect week to hang all over me.

"Gee Mom, do that thing with your hands again. You kind of reminded me of Wolverine."

To top things off, an alarm went off this morning somewhere in the house. Of course I was the only one who heard it. I went to find it and finally did, in the closet in the hallway. It was a small battery-operated clock my son had been playing with yesterday.

Since I was up, and my damn ear hurt, I let the dogs out to go potty. Only I kept smelling dog poop in the front bathroom. The puppies looked clean. The floor looked clean.

The mystery was solved when I looked in the bathtub. Yes, Mandy had shat in the bathtub. Have I ever mentioned that I really, really, really want a doggy door?

Maybe all this stuff happens because I'm surrounding myself with a black cloud of bad mood. From now on, I will try to grin like Whitney on crack, sending out happy vibes everywhere.

Maybe then I'll win the lotto. Somebody just give me some damn coffee first.
Children's Place and last month both sent me e-mails prompting me to shop the Children's Place monster sale.

Why would I want to shop a monster sale?

I already have three of my own.

Friday, July 21, 2006

What's Your Hell Like

Stolen from Babelbabe

Drinks in my hell:
Grape Kool-Aid
Sour Milk
Glasses of water that the toddler already drank from with slobbery food crumbs in them
Peppermint Schnapps (Puke it once. You'll never feel the same about it again.)
Weak Coffee

Food in my hell:
Those spicy snack mixes we purchased at the India store that made smoke come out our ears
Moldy Wonder Bread
Fruit Roll-Ups

Occupations in my hell:
High School Teacher
Naomi Campbell's personal assistant
Wet Nurse

Music mix in my hell:
Frank Zappa
Michael Jackson
New Kids On The Block
Willie Nelson

President in my hell:
'Ol George W.
Martha Stewart (I told you the large flaming doily goes BEHIND the small flaming doily.)
Gordon Ramsay from Hell's Kitchen
Kathie Lee Gifford

Authors in my hell:
Danielle Steele (Babelbabe was right on with this one.)
Iris Johansen (Enough with the forensic sculptor storyline already.)

Husbands in my hell:
Alec Baldwin
My ex
Osama Bin Laden
Richard Simmons

Only activities allowed in my hell:
Pap Smears
Watching Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Reruns
House-training dogs
Raising teenagers
Cleaning bathrooms
Dung beetle trainer
(Just wanted to see if Old Hoss is reading.)

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Autistic Fun

My son has speech delays due to his autism.

He can't make the "S" sound at all. He makes the "D" sound instead.

I don't think he makes any blended consonant sounds like "cl", "dr", "st" etc.

When we were camping, he found a stick he wanted to play with.

He told his Grandpa, "Big Dick, I like the big dick." Hee hee hee
While on hold this afternoon with the eye doctor, I got to hear voice advertisements instead of elevator music.

One of the advertisements said, "It's a given that everyone wants to see clearly."

I have to disagree.

When I've gotten dressed and put on my make-up, I'm more than ready to pass on seeing what I really look like. I want to see that Elizabeth Taylor, White Diamonds Perfume Commercial Look.
When I was in the grocery store tonight, I needed two different kinds of meat that were on sale. (chicken and beef) A man and his wife were standing in front of the chicken.

So I went to stand in line next to the beef. The same man came that way, only his wife had the cart back at the chicken so he managed to sidle in where I needed to be.

His wife was hogging one spot and he was hogging the other. GRRRRRR.

I would have enjoyed beating him upside the head with a rack of ribs.
There was a saying in the paper I got a kick out of the other day.

It said, "It's not wether you win or lose. It's wether I win or lose.

It has been disgustingly hot around here, anywhere from 102 to 106. And the air-conditioner in my piece of crap mini-van is broken.

Actually I can always depend on my van.

Crabby kid waking! Ciao!

My Favorite Fatty

This baby loves to eat.

Puppies, Puppies Everywhere

Bellying Up To The Trough

Never Misses A Meal

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Perpetually Grinning Children

For Bearette

A Happy Dog On The Beach

Curious Blackbird

Vacation, Part Two

Before we left for vacation, I made a Costco run. I was looking for some sausages I had purchased earlier, to no avail. They were gluten/casein free and organic too, I think.

One thing I did find at Costco was a new mixer. It was a Hamilton Beach Power Deluxe Stand Mixer for twenty-five dollars.

My last mixer was killed by gluten-free bread mixing so I needed a new one.

I stirred my bread and put it in the mixing bowl. After two minutes, the mixer started making a funny sound. Then smoke came from the motor. Mixer number two was officially history.

This posed a dilemna as I was planning on making my MIL a surprise birthday cake while we were camping.

But I didn't have time for a new one so we hit the road.

Day three of our vacation rolled around and I still didn't have a mixer. My husband googled the nearest Target on his laptop and it wasn't far up the road.

My MIL and I went to Target and split up. I purchased a mixer and a birthday card then went and found her.

When we got back to our site, I went in my own trailer and made a gluten-free cake with my new mixer. The mixer actually stayed alive. I give it three more batches before it goes kaput.

I baked the cake, and then my husband and I took the kids to Big Sur while it cooled. When we got back, I frosted it. Then I put on a candle shaped like a black grave marker that said "Too Old Too Count."

She was really surprised. It could have been because her birthday was the next day. Since we were leaving town the next day, I wouldn't have had time then. Another thing that surprised her was that the cake tasted good.

I love my Gluten-Free Gourmet cookbook. I really do.

We had to leave Friday. We took most of Friday morning to pack up. My husband and I did take a brief drive to Monterey to buy some fudge for my mother. I got some for my MIL too and a bit for us.

We buckled up the kids and hit the road. That was when the real fun began.

No road trip is complete without whining and shrieking. They were tired and bored and by the time we got home, I was wondering why I had ever wanted children.

And then the RV had to be unloaded. Yuck.

Thank goodness my house was clean.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006


It has been so busy with puppies this week that I haven't yet regaled everybody with tales of my vacation.

Before I talk about the vacation, I have to mention the house I came home to. It looked similar to my house but it was clean.

My Mom spent the week at my house watching my oldest daughter, who took summer school this year. The kitchen counter was clean. My laundry pile was dented. There were flowers planted out front and new flowers on the porch and in the house. The porch was clean. Some unpainted walls in my kitchen had been painted. There was a new kitchen rug and curtains. Things were organized. She did lots more, but those are the main things.

Maybe I'll have to make an excuse up for her to stay here for a week six months from now. Heh heh.

For vacation, we went to Carmel, CA, where the filthy rich beautiful people live. The RV park was hidden down a long, winding road, not the kind of road one wants to drive an RV down.

The RV park was called Saddle Mountain RV Park. It was secluded. The other residents were holed up in their RV's so it felt like the whole park belonged to us. We did have some people with really noisy teens camp next to us for two nights. When they left, I almost hopped out of my RV and did a victory dance.

But that wouldn't have been very nice now, would it?

We went down to the beach with the kids on the first day. There were lots of people with dogs, none of them leashed, the dogs that is. I saw one dog on a leash and it looked ashamed of itself, like it knew all the other dogs were laughing at it.

Many of the people on the beach were obvious locals. The sweater sets and gold chains gave them away. Plus, they were so bee-yoo-ti-ful.

We left the beach two hours and one sunburn later.

I had to shop at the local Albertsons on the way back to the park. The store was filled with senior ladies. They didn't have the typical senior-lady perm. They had hair that was blow-dried straight and flipped up at the ends.

If I happened to get in their way, they glared and tried to run me down with their carts.

What's up with that? If I were rich enough to live in Carmel, no force on earth could wipe the shit-eating grin off my face.

On the second day, we went to Cannery Row in Monterey. Monterey has the best bike paths. They are all over. Monterey is another place I wish I could afford to live. It's lovely.

We ate lunch and then we went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. It's very nice but I think twenty-two dollars to look at tanks full of fish is rather pricey. Now that I've been there and seen that, I'm good for life.

It was too darn crowded like everything else in California. Every time I stopped to peer in a tank, somebody was breathing down my neck waiting for me to move. Yick.

And now, although my story isn't done, my son is done letting me blog. Story to be continued.

Six Puppies Left

We are down to six puppies. Momma dog had chewed the runt's umbilical cord off too closely.

I noticed at midnight tonight that he was cold and laying away from the others. I took him in and had him laid away.

The poor thing had been in pain for two days. I feel horrible and guilty about that. I'd been keeping an eye on him and he seemed to be doing fine.

Mandy will be getting spayed after the puppies are sold. I do not have the fortitude to repeat this experience.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Happy Blogaversarry To Me

Today is my one year blogaversarry.

My very first post was about how my toddler was driving me crazy.

Today, every time I sit down at the computer, he starts climbing all over me and getting into stuff.

He has made it impossible to blog for any length of time. It's one year later and he's still driving me crazy!

I am surrendering to him for now.

I hope Monday goes great for everybody.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

If At First You Don't Succeed...

Post Puppy


Trying to Post Pics

Blogger won't post puppy pics. Grrrrrr.

Puppies Are Here

WARNING - This post is graphic so don't read it if you are squeamish! We lost one puppy and it's sad too.

Mandy started refusing food last night and acting listless so I drove her to the emergency vet.

Once we were there, he took her temperature and said she would probably whelp within the next 24 hours. He x-rayed her belly and counted seven puppies. Yowza!

I drove her home. We stopped at Safeway to get a large box for whelping.

When we got home, I let her out to go to the bathroom and set up her whelping box. I got little man down to sleep around ten-thirty. I checked Mandy and she was just laying there.

I fell asleep for an hour and checked her at 11:30. I woke up and checked her again at 12:30. She was still laying there.

I fell asleep again, for too long this time.

Boots came and whined by the bed. I went down the hallway and heard puppy noises. I went in the bathroom and there were already three. One was still stuck in the sack though and not breathing.

I broke it out of the sack. Those sacks are amazingly strong. I could have used a knife but I was hurrying. I rubbed the puppy really hard. I thumped its chest. I did mouth to mouth. I was just too late.

If I had slept on the bathroom floor, that never would have happened. I believe that mistakes are a learning experience, but the fact that a puppy lost its life because I was an idiot, well there are no words for that.

I woke my husband up to help. He gave the puppy mouth to mouth also. Then he started helping me with the fourth one that had arrived.

The rest is kind of a blur. Mandy chewed the cords too short on some of them. They were bleeding and we tied them off with dental floss.

Mandy seemed depressed; who could blame her? When the fifth one came, she wasn't pushing it all the way out. I broke it out of the sack, but it wasn't moving much and it was still tethered inside her by the umbilical cord. I had to put my finger in her vagina and stroke it to help her have contractions. (This is called "feathering.")

After that puppy came out, she started pushing the next one. The amniotic fluid came out. I couldn't see the puppy. She quit pushing again. I did more feathering. She pushed it out farther but it was also tethered and not moving much. I broke the sack and did more feathering, but she wasn't pushing. My husband gently pulled and the cord and placenta came out. Phew.

We had a total of six live puppies. We had to tie another cord that she had gotten overzealous with.

My son woke up. I got him back to sleep and then I changed Mandy's bedding. The puppies seemed cold and I needed a shower. I took it in the bathroom they were in to warm it up.

After I got dressed, I went to check on them. She kept obsessively licking a puppy. I assumed she was chewing off dental floss and tried to discourage her. Then I noticed she was chewing off brand new cord.

She had pushed out an extra puppy that we didn't know was in there. So then there were seven.

During the whole ordeal, Boots paced back and forth like a father outside the delivery room. It was touching. He was the hero of the day for waking me up. If he hadn't, I'm not sure more than three would have lived.

So I am excited and depressed at the same time. I did lots of things I never dreamed I was capable of doing.

I'm a doggie Grandma! We're not out of the woods yet, but with luck, all seven will make it.

I'll continue posting pictures as they grow.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Going on Vacation

We are taking off for the beach soon. Woo-hoo.

Maybe I'll remember to take some pictures this time.

Everybody have a great week!

Friday, July 07, 2006

Medi-Cal And Me

I've written before about the fact that we receive respite services for our son. This allows my husband and I to have a couple of dates a month. I can't even begin to explain what a treat it is to get out, just the two of us.

The local regional center "ABC" pays for the respite services. They contract with company "XYZ" which provides the service to us, free of charge.

"ABC" strongly encouraged me to sign up for a medical benefits card for my son. Then the state will pay for the respite, thus freeing up "ABC's" budget to provide more services.

Medi-cal is the no cost medical coverage that our state offers. I am not unfamiliar with medi-cal. For a very short time in 2002, I had medi-cal coverage for my oldest child. Also, even though I was working full time, I qualified for about 35.00 a month in food stamps. Big money - Whoo-ha!

I don't know how people make ends meet on public assistance. I know that it is only meant as a temporary helping hand, but really it's like a helping finger. (a middle one too!)

"ABC" made a referral to the Department of Health and Human Services. They mailed me some paperwork. It showed up Friday afternoon, as I was getting ready to leave town.

I filed it and promptly forgot about it. I missed the deadline to fill out the paperwork and mail it in, which was about a five day deadline anyway.

Diane at ABC had already warned me that the deadlines were notoriously short so I felt guilty.

I told her I would go down to the Department and take care of it myself.

First I filled out the paperwork at home. The paperwork is a little confusing, all the better to confound people applying for public assistance, I assume.

The government wants to know the names and ages of everyone in the family. Do you have life insurance? Do you have medical insurance? Do you have cars, motorcycles, Rv's? When was the last time you scratched your butt and why?

Since my son is getting a medi-cal card for his autism, our income is not taken into consideration. So I didn't have to fill out income or assets.

Besides there was no space to tell them my Chrysler Town & Country Mini-Van may look like an asset, but breaks down every other month and therefore should be listed in the dependent's column. (Forgot a whole bunch of commas, didn't I?)

I wanted to arrive at the Department of Health and Human Services this morning at eight. I made it by nine-fifteen. There were about three people in front of me.

I asked the receptionist what to fill out. She had just finished giving instructions to the man in front of me. The recepitonist told me, "Once again, go around the corner and grab the blue form."

"Once again"...WTF! It was the first time I had asked. I must have missed the huge sign hanging behind her that said, "Please Eavesdrop So You Will Know What the Fu@# Is Going On."

I sat on one of the older than dirt (and dirtier than dirt) chairs and filled out the BLUE FORM. I took it back to the bitch receptionist and she gave me a number.

The numbers weren't in chronological order so I had no idea when I would be called. The only magazines to read were the free ones with about five short articles each. They weren't even piled nicely. It looked like somebody had grabbed all the magazines, threw them up in the air and let them land on the table.

Would it have been that much trouble to stack them? In fact would it have been that much trouble to spray some Febreze on the chairs and rugs, maybe paint the walls and spritz it up a bit. I'm not asking for Martha Stewart here. It's just that I fully expected the booths with the workers in them to have a telephone on each side with bulletproof glass in between.

In fact, I wasn't sure if I had landed at the Department of Health and Human Services or the Department of Health and Sub-Human Services. The whole thing seemed carefully arranged to remind me of what a scum bag I surely was.

I read through all the magazines. I sighed. I tapped my fingers.

I got up to get the hell out of there. Screw that. I'd apply by mail again.

Sadly, not everybody else has that option.

As I was walking out, they called my number. Hallelujah!

Since I had the paperwork filled out, it was a five minute process. I will be getting more stuff in the mail containing more hoops to jump through, at their convenience of course.

Government programs, you've gotta love 'em.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Needed - A 36 Hour Day

Life is asking more of me lately than I am willing/capable of giving.

It's one of those months where I'm considering installing a hamster wheel in the house. If I'm running in place, I may as well have fun doing it.

Everybody's house has a few quirks. Maybe you have the faucet where the hot comes out the cold side or the floor board that always creaks.

We have the toilet that always clogs.

Anybody that does "business" in that particular toilet must immediately flush. Then they must wipe and then flush again. And they can't wipe too much or else.

This toilet is great fun since it is the main bathroom my seven-year old uses. She, like most kids, is not economical with her use of the toilet paper.

I have become an expert plunger. First I had to get rid of the cheap plunger. It was shaped like a bowl and immediately turned inside out when I started plunging. Turning it right side out was fraught with danger as "matter" tended to fly everywhere. So now I have the hardware store plunger that is guaranteed not to turn inside out.

I have become so good at plunging, that I am thinking about making a type of workout video that nobody has ever made before.

I'll call it "Plunging to the Oldies" or maybe "Plunge Aerobics". Catchy, huh?

The workout video will come in a box with a plunger and a toilet-like bowl that sticks to the floor with a suction cup.

I'll start with arms of course.

"Plunge, up and down, that's right you've got it now. Feel the burn?"

While I am doing the tape, I will keep that aerobic instructor pert grin on my face to hide the fact that I am snarling inside.

After working the arms, I'll do some grapevines while pumping the plunger back and forth. I can also do squats while holding on to the plunger.

I'll be a millionaire. You just wait and see.

Old Hoss won't be the only one making his "pile."

You can all say you knew me when...

Monday, July 03, 2006

Worse Boss Ever

There is a contest being held here for people to tell the story of their worse boss ever.

The most heinous boss I ever had was a woman at a family-owned business.

A family-owned business sounds great to work for until you realize that all the top positions are taken and always will be.

This family always hired family members and friends of the family at much higher salaries than I could ever hope to make.

I was always hoping for a raise and finally got one. My pay was boosted from 5.75 an hour to 6.00. Woo-hoo.

That felt, to me, like the equivalent of tipping your waitress a nickel.

Then the boss said, "Aren't you going to thank me for your raise?"


She also came in and screamed at the office staff when she was in a bad mood. On other occasions, she liked to brag about her five-hundred dollar leather chair. I didn't make five-hundred dollars in one paycheck.

Even her husband said, not in front of her, that he knew she was a bitch.

I lasted about a year before I couldn't take it anymore. That was a year too long.

If any of you have any nasty boss stories, I would love to hear them, here or on your own blog. Let the complaining begin.
The AMA is reccomending that Americans use less salt when we cook. Also, for those of you having sex, they are advising that you skip the orgasm.
Here is a definition I enjoyed from Reader's Digest.

Bakku-shan (Japanese) "A girl who appears pretty from behind but not the front."

I wonder if there is a word for men with long hair who appear to be a pretty girl from behind but scare the jeepers out of you when you see the front.
I just finished reading two books.

One was "Undomestic Goddess" by Sophie Kinsella. I'm sure everybody but me has already read it. It's about a lawyer who has to give up law and ends up working as a housekeeper. It was a fun, light, didn't make me think much book. I enjoyed it immensely.

I also read the latest Charlaine Harris book, "Definitely Dead." This was another light read. It wasn't as good as the last books in her vampire Southern series, but still a good read.

I should read something heavy and serious, but life is serious enough. Escapism suits me just fine.

Have a Happy Fourth!