Friday, December 30, 2005

Madame X

Tonight, I am blogging about somebody I know. She also reads this blog. I will refer to her as Madame X. The reason I am calling her Madame X is because her kitchen tends to be filled with eXpired food.

I don't get to see Madame X much as she lives far away. Sometimes I will visit her and open a box of cereal. Then I will visit months later, see a box of cereal and ask, "Is this fresh?"

"No," she says. "That is the same box you opened last time you came."


Her milk is usually three days past its expiration date. She once told me that it was okay to leave eggs out of the fridge because they don't need to be refrigerated.

One time she left town and her daughter cleaned out the fridge for her. She found cream cheese that wasn't opened but had expired. All the salad dressings were expired. The cookie dough was expired. The baloney was slimy. The cheese was moldy.

By the time her daughter was done cleaning the fridge, I think she was down to a box of baking soda.

Madame X was very displeased. She told her daughter that as long as the cream cheese wasn't opened, it wouldn't expire. She said that the cookie dough only had a "sell by" date.

And let me tell you Madame X's theory on moldy cheese. One time, my husband and I were visiting. She had planned a New Year's party with home made pizza. Her cheese had fuzzy stuff growing on it. She informed us that in the cheese factories, they wipe the mold off with vinegar. Imagine that!

So she wiped off the mold and grated the cheese and put it on the pizza. Have you ever tasted penicillin pizza? Because that is what it tasted like.

Madame X also lives in fear of a food shortage. You'd better be quick at catching things, because when you open her cupboards cans will fly down at your head.

Try to fit anything in her freezer. Good luck. I tried to eat an ice cream sandwich last time I went down. The outer layer was the texture of an egg shell. I think it had been in there since the Clinton, or maybe Reagan, administration.

Madame X also hoards clothes that go as far back as the eighties. She has all the closets and dressers filled in THREE bedrooms.

I could go on, but you get the picture.

Long live Madame X! Hey if she can eat all that past due food, she can survive anything.


Blogger nobody1001 said...

Boy, this lady sounds disgusting.

12:26 PM  

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