Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here

My son has been possessed today. He is a card carrying member of the spawn of Satan Union.

One of my fellow bloggers (Lisa) mentioned that she has gained weight and her clothes don't fit. I feel her pain.

I told my husband that I wasn't going to go buy any clothes until I lost weight. "So you're going to run around naked?" he asked.

Good point.

My current wardrobe consists of one pair of long sweat pants and one pair of capri sweatpants.

So I decided today to try again to spend some Christmas money and get some clothes. I bathed and fed "SJ". It wasn't naptime. His diaper was clean. All bases were covered for a tantrum-free shopping expedition.

We went to the Eddie Bauer outlet. It had been reccomended to me. Ohmigosh, it had TALLS and LARGE SIZES AND fifty percent off CLEARANCE. Too bad that my demonic child wanted to run around the store and when I wouldn't let him, began shrieking his head off.

I grabbed a few things. I hauled them to the dressing room and tried to put them on as quickly as I could. I did this while holding one hand on the shrieking devil child who was trying to squeeze out from under the door. My armpits began dripping because I was so stressed and trying to hurry so fast. NOTHING fit right and I couldn't shop anymore, because my son is a miserable little turd.

And why the hell do people that design dressing rooms make the walls of them so far off the floor? Can't they take the approximate measure of a toddler's head and have them just high enough off the floor that your damn kid can't escape? They would sell more clothes if people with small children could actually get a chance to try them on! Maybe it's because they profit from people like me who decide to try it on at home and then forget to return it if it doesn't fit.

SJ has been shrieking on and off all day - mostly on. He makes this gargling noise when he screams that comes from the back of his throat. Maybe he is choking on the brimstone. I have been reminding myself every two minutes that I DO love this child, but it's not working so great today.
Two mornings ago as I was waking up, I heard Boots enjoying himself way too much. He makes a grunting noise like a pig when he is happy. Usually it is cute. But I was hearing lick, lick, slurp, slurp, grunt. He was making that squishy sound too that kids make when they chew with their mouths open. So it was slurp, squish, lick, grunt and so on and so forth.

Anyway, all this noise was because he was licking his balls. He can't just lick them like a normal dog. He has to grunt and slurp and let a person know just how GOOOOD it feels.

I don't like being privy to dog masturbation so I threw a pillow at him.
There was an article in the paper about Schwarzenegger not laying aside funds for affordable housing. So how is he different from any other politician? Who contributes more to his campaign - developers or people who need housing? I think I have a pretty good idea.

California adds half a million new people a year. Housing is not keeping pace. What we need, is incentive to LEAVE the state.

Maybe the government could pay us two thousand a family member to relocate. That would be a cool ten grand for us. We'd be gone.

Of course, to qualify for this money, you would have to be a resident for at least seven years. You also could not move back for at least ten years, except for in cases of family emergency.

The government could make sure you didn't move back by flagging your social security number or just implanting a GPS locater under your butt cheek. Either way would work.

If everybody started leaving the state, the laws of supply and demand would push down our ridiculously overinflated real estate.

There are just a few flaws in my plan.

First off, nobody wants the damn Californians. I know they hate us in Oregon. I had a realtor in Florence hang up the phone on me once as soon as I told her where I hailed from. They don't much want us in Idaho or Washington either.

The other flaw is that all the people who couldn't afford a house here would leave. Those are the people the state can't function without. Somebody has to man the counters at McDonalds and Kmart.

But see, that just might work. When the GD politicians go to get a cup of coffee at Starbucks, and it's up to ten bucks a cup, due to labor shortage, THEN maybe the assholes might start giving a shit about affordable housing. It's worth a shot.

Okay, by now, y'all know I'm kidding. I hope.

I do wish that everyone could realize the American dream.


Blogger nobody1001 said...

People need jobs. That is the real problem. The governor has brought workers' comp down to an affordable rate for employers this year. Our rate last year was .228 per hundred. This is the first year we have had to ask employees to pay more than $50. for health insurance. Last year the company paid $137,000. for health insurance for 30 people. This year it was going to be $170,000. We now use about 100 temps because we cannot afford to hire new employees of our own. The temps are much cheaper. Not everyone can have a professional job. Besides the fact, there aren't enough, some people are not capable of doing them.

I have worked manual labor at different times in my life. There is no shame. As a matter of fact, it's kind of a good feeling at the end of the day.

I believe in subsidizing people who work. I don't believe in subsidizing people who don't work (except for children-they should never suffer).

8:13 AM  
Blogger Gina said...

"Maybe he is choking on the brimstone." You kill me! I'm sorry you're having one of those days, but MAN are you funny! :-)

8:41 AM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Nobody, I was referring to the working poor. It doesn't seem right to me that someone can work a 40 hour or more week and not be able to afford the basic necessities. It seems especially wrong in this country where we have so much.

I'm not a communist. I think that there must be something more the government can do to help, that's all.

8:42 AM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Thanks Gina. Hopefully, today will be better.

8:43 AM  
Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

We in Oregon do not hate Californians. Despite and detest, maybe, but heck, if you want to VACATION here, that's fine. Just don't come here to live. (Did you know that if you sell a cracker box tract house in California you can get a 5 BR home on a hill with magnificent mountain views, 3 acres, tennis court and a lake in Oregon?

1:06 PM  
Blogger BabelBabe said...

I wish I knew the solution to clothes-shopping; mine unfortunately involves paying a babysitter so i can go out to find out just how fat said children have made me.

1:28 PM  
Anonymous sanders5 said...

Can't they take the approximate measure of a toddler's head and have them just high enough off the floor that your damn kid can't escape?
Bwahahahaha ... I have this horrible, but absolutely hysterical visual, of my 3 year old ... head stuck between the floor and the door.

They had it easy in the middle ages with those stocks. "So peapod ... how does it FEEL to be in stocks? Now you know how the oxen feel. Wanna obey now? Huh? Do ya?"

If the evening hugs and kisses weren't so darn addictive, I wouldn't have been convinced to have 3! heh heh

2:00 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Old Hoss, you are tempting me. Watch out or I will move your way. Good bye crackerbox - hello mansion. So what if my neighbors hate me!

Sanders5, I think perhaps you are as warped as I am. Welcome!

Babelbabe, I hate to shell out twenty bucks for some babysitting, but it might be worth it.

2:35 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

so why do they hate californians? aren't they a nice, sunny bunch?

3:15 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

People in California sell their overpriced homes and move to Oregon to buy the same size or bigger for less money. Then real estate prices go up and the Oregonians blame those "damn out of staters."

3:36 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Wow, your shopping experience sounds worse than mine !!!

There are just some children that need to stay at home when you go shopping.

5:17 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Lisa, I loved your shopping experience.

Your guy sounds like a riot.

5:49 PM  
Blogger BabelBabe said...

hey Carolyn - if you want REAL fun - go BATHING SUIT SHOPPING with your child. Primo almost didn't make it back alive.

5:59 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Bathing suit! Shudder. I shall never again wear a bathing suit unless I am only in front of immediate family.

7:21 PM  

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