Monday, January 16, 2006

The Birds And The Bees

Does anybody ever forget their first time? You're anxious and venturing into unknown territory, and then, BAM, it's over in three minutes flat.

I still remember my first experience. My friends had all told me how wonderful it was. I had grown up reading my grandmother's "True Story" magazines and romance novels. I knew, from reading all this fine literature, to expect waves of ecstasy. First it hurt, then it got numb and within five minutes maximum the whole thing was over.

I then said what every young man dreams of hearing during those blissful post-coital moments. "That's it?"

In my twenties, it was like a sport. My husband and I were like atheletes in training to the tune of three times a day workouts. We've since slowed down or else we would be dead.

I had always heard that when a woman hit her thirties, she was in her "prime". I laughed at that concept. Thirty was just plain OLD. The only thing that got more prime with age was wine, right?

Well I turn 38 in February so not only am I just plain OLD, I'm heading towards ancient. LOL

The thing about your 30's, I've discovered, isn't that you're in your prime. It is that your body is telling you it is last chance city to have some kids.

If you haven't had children by the time you're thirty, your eggs are starting to "degrade." (according to scientists)

It's time to ask yourself, "Do I want to keep blogging about adult stuff or am I ready to talk about cleaning poop off the walls for the next eighteen years?"

If you decide that blogging about poop is for you, put on that tacky negligee your husband purchased you five Christmases ago and wait for him to spot you.

In your thirties, your body is screaming to you to get pregant. You don't get normal ovulation where you feel amorous for maybe a week.

The eggs are flying out like there is a baseball pitching machine in charge. One after another they sail from the ovaries. It feels like you start ovulating two days before AF leaves town and for the next two weeks.

Your body is yelling in a Gilbert Godfrey-like voice. "Hey, over heah. SOMEBODY FERTILIZE ME!"

Not just cats go in heat.

Since forty is just around the corner, I'm not sure what to expect. I'm all ears if anybody wants to share. And by the way, when should I start expecting those "waves of ecstasy"?


Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

I think you should do whatever it is you want to do. That's my advice, and pretty damn good advice it is, too.

9:55 AM  
Blogger Ms.L said...

yeah,I'm in my 30 and am still waiting for my prime.
The whole baby wanting thing?I am so there with you!
Ugh,it's bad...

11:41 AM  
Blogger nobody1001 said...

No comment on waves of ecstasy. Let's just say Danielle Steele is full of shit. By the way, you will only be 37.

12:11 PM  
Blogger BabelBabe said...

oh my god, i thought you were going to tell us you were knocked up!

my mom always said her forties were her best decade, which i find sorta reassuring.

and that thirties=sexual prime crap? maybe if you DON'T have three children under the age of five...

12:55 PM  
Anonymous mad rabbit said...

30'S WEREN'T SO BAD CUZ I HAD MY YOUNGEST CHILD AT AGE 22. I had hysterectomy at age 33 and whatever fun I had after that was all gravy. 40's were better and I have not yet reached my prime. But I'm only 60.

5:11 PM  
Blogger CheerleadingTechie said...

Lol, I was thinking the SAME thing Babel Babe!

God, 30, that's SOOOOOO old! *rolling eyes* Poor, poor, pitiful, you.

5:46 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

My husband has had a vasectomy. If I got knocked up, he would be a lot surprised and so would I.

We'd also be freaked the hell out.

5:52 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

I think I came from a degraded egg. My mom was 38 when I was born ;)

9:49 AM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

I was 34 when SJ was born, so he comes from a degraded egg too.

12:27 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

My mom smoked when she was pregnant with me. I was almost 10 pounds anyway.

8:01 PM  

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