Wednesday, April 19, 2006

TMI Mom Meets TMI Babysitter

Last night we went to a family counseling meeting.

Only SJ was uninvited. Elder Options, who is performing our respite care, sent out an employee to watch SJ from 7:45 to 9:15.

Her name was Roberta. She looked uncannily like my mother, a bonus as I think it made SJ comfortable with her.

We went to the meeting and got home in time. I knew she had some paperwork I had to fill out stating the times she had watched him.

But first she hauled full-size pictures out of her purse. They were of her dogs. She then showed us the dogs and told us about them. Some of them were dogs who had already gone to the great dog park in the sky.

She regaled us for quite some time with the stories about her dogs. Then she finally got out her paperwork. She mentioned that she hadn't been working for a few months because of her surgeries.

I said, "Well, hopefully you're done with those."

I wasn't trying to pry, honest! I meant it in a "hope you will be feeling much better in the future" way.

She took it as a "share your story please" comment.

She told me that she had had a hysterectomy and hemorrhoid surgery. She said she needed the hysterectomy and that she had told the doctor, "while he was down there, could he take care of the other."

She said that she was sore on both ends. TMI - TMI!

Then she began telling me about her houseguest who had overstayed his welcome by a year and his medical problems.

She told me about missing his birthday because she had to take a client to the E.R.

Then the next day they did his birthday. They did a short hike.

After the hike, they were looking for a Quizno's to eat at. She went to make a u-turn and they found an all you can eat Chinese food place. So they ended up there. And they loved it and wasn't it a good coincidence that she had chosen to make the u-turn there?

By now, my husband and seven-year old daughter had gone to bed.

She talked THAT LONG!

I was saved by the clock. It chimed and she noticed that it was ten 'o clock. She got up to go. I walked her to the door and stood there with my hand on the knob while she talked another five minutes.

I almost started laughing. Is it still respite care if you need respite from the caregiver?

I hope they don't send her out again. She was sweet, but a less talkative sitter would suit me fine.
I am no longer a Whole Foods virgin. I finally went a few weekends ago with the two youngest children.

Their store brand rice milk was only 1.19 a carton. Wow!

Their rice bread was yummy.

I found gfcf chicken nuggets for my son. He loves them. They were five bucks for fourteen nuggets, but that is two lunches for him.

Most of the people were nice. I ran into one jerk who was tailgating me with his cart. I tried to move out of his way, but the way I moved was the way he wanted to go.

"Sorry, I was trying to move," I said.

He glared at me. Perhaps I was between him and the Preparation H aisle. Perhaps Roberta, the talking sitter, could have given him her doctor's phone number.

The kids and I both enjoyed the man grinding his own peanut butter. He mentioned that he always came there for his peanut butter because he knew it was fresh.
We played highway sandwich on the way to Whole Foods.

Conditions have to be just right to play this game.

The first player in the game is the person in the left lane who won't move over. They are usually going sixty-five to seventy and feel that they shouldn't have to get out of the way.

You can tell this person immediately when you come up behind them quickly and they continue toodling along.

I drop to a comfortable distance behind these people and cruise at their speed.

Sometimes, though, a person comes up on my butt like speedracer and tailgates me.

I move over and let them pass. I then get back in the left lane and watch them tailgate Mr. "Ain't Gonna Move."

Then, if I get really lucky, tailgater number two shows up. I move over and let them by.

This is where the sandwich part comes in. The "Ain't Gonna Move" guy is the top slice of bread.

The tailgater number one is in the middle.

Tailgater number two is on tailgater one's ass, forming the bottom piece of bread.

Playing games like this almost makes up for having to hear "Itsy Bitsy Spider" as I drive down the road.

Did I just prove to all of you that I am a few fries short of a happy meal?
My children have vitamins that look like gummy worms. They are called "Daily Grubs."

"Give us this day our daily grubs."

I saw a house for sale. The sign said, "I am beautiful inside."

Where can I get a sign like that?


Blogger Bearette24 said...

i love whole foods.

d didn't get the "take care of the other" thing, so i explained, "The woman was like, 'While you're taking out my uterus, can you take care of the hemorrhoids in my ass too?'" LOL...

8:59 PM  
Blogger BabelBabe said...

You are beautiful, Carolyn. You have such great spirit. And you make me cry with luaghter very often.

Todays' paper had an article about chocolate cake and one of the recipes was supposed to be gfcf but they didn't give THAT recipe. Because ONE of the four tasters did not like it.

6:02 AM  
Blogger Mary Poppins said...

few fries short of a happy meal...aren't we all??

Don't u just hate it when ur kinda of in a hurry and someone hits u with a follow up question, like Ellen De generes said in her stand up:

"Hi, How are ya?" Person One as they pass by..which really translates to: HI and BYE

"Pretty good"..Person two

Person One thinks: Crap this is a follow up question..what do ya mean pretty good?! I've got no time for "pretty good"...

Then Person Two Rambles on.

7:41 AM  
Blogger Ms.L said...

Your last couple of sentences made me want to cry:(
We here,already know that. You don't need a sign for us to see.

The rest of your entry had me laughing my ass off,once again,lol
I just betcha one day,I'm going to be like your Roberta,heehee. Will you tell me to shut up if I am?

9:53 AM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

I wasn't sad about the beautiful inside sign. I was making a joke.

Honestly, my pity party was last week. :)

9:54 AM  
Blogger verniciousknids said...

With all you guys posting constantly about Whole Foods I want to fly to the US for the sole purpose of visiting WF cos it sounds so fantastic :D

10:14 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

I like your myriad thoughts today.

"Perhaps I was between him and the Preparation H aisle." Heh. ;)

It's incredibly awkward when you get trapped by a long talker. It's amazing to me how some people never pick up on the nonverbal cues that IT'S TIME TO STOP TALKING NOW. YES, RIGHT NOW. YOU.

10:45 AM  
Anonymous Crazedmomof4 said...

I too have thought about one of those "beautiful inside" signs for myself. I got the joke.

I'm one of those talkers that need the boot though! I'm rarely around grown-ups, so I do not know how to act around them.;)

3:32 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

The beautiful inside sign is cool.

7:52 PM  
Blogger nobody1001 said...

You are one of the most beautiful inside people I have ever met. You don't need a sign. Everyone you love already knows it and no one else matters.

9:02 AM  

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