Cavemen Had It Easy

Can you imagine being a cave woman? I don't really want to myself. :)

But she did have one advantage. She didn't get out of bed and wonder what she was going to wear that day. She probably already had it on!

There was no wondering if colors matched or what styles went together or if one should wear white shoes after Labor Day. Shoes, what shoes?

Cavewomen never had conversations that went like this.

"Poor Louise, Mammoth fur does not suit her. She needs something more flattering like leopard."

"I have to agree. All those extra layers make her look fat, and the color brown washes her out."

Back to the present - my oldest daughter had one of those blasted open houses last Thursday at school and I had nothing to wear.

A pair of capri pants and a t-shirt would have been fine, if anything fit. I was bulldozing through my closet, trying stuff on, throwing it aside and getting worked into a tizzy. Not only are my clothes ugly, they don't fit. If it did fit, it was dirty or missing in the monstrous "needs to be folded and put away" pile.

Finally I settled on jeans and a t-shirt. The fat rolls were contained but certainly not hidden.

We went to the open house. It was nothing like the elementary school open houses where there are many shining examples of your child's work displayed. I guess, with 3000 students, it can't be.

I love my daughter and want to know what she is doing in school, but it was a huge waste of time. She can show me more at home and without the crowds of obnoxious people standing in the way.

The next day I decided to go shopping for a few things since summer weather is here.

Everybody seems to brag about TJ Maxx. I haven't been impressed yet but I decided to try again.

They had some okay-looking skirts hanging up in the size fourteen section. The waists looked HUGE so I thought they probably ran big. I grabbed those and some capri pants in size 16 and went in the dressing room.

Well the skirts did not fit. They barely went over my hips. One pair of the pants fit but not well, certainly not well enough to buy.

I spotted a Dexatrim that someone else had dropped on the dressing room floor along with their self-esteem and I hightailed it out of there.

Across the street to Kmart I drove. We needed paper towels and household goods anyway and if I found something to fit, it would be an unexpected bonus.

I found some things to try on and went in the dressing room. I found two pairs of capris that fit like they were made for me. This means they fit my waist, my belly and my flat butt. Woo-hoo. I tried them on in two different colors.

(The reason I tried on both pairs was because I have grabbed identical pants/tops in different colors before and only tried on one of each. Then when I put them on later, the ones in a different color didn't fit the same. Grrrrrr.)

I grabbed the capri pants (ten dollars), a camp shirt (eight dollars), a tank top (five dollars) and some comfortable tennis shoes (fifteen dollars). I also found an adorable pair of sandals for daughter number two.

Yes, I know they're cheap clothes. But my children use me as a napkin and I would rather stain cheap clothes than expensive ones.

I jubilantly arrived home with my purchases and picked up the kids from school.

The next day, I wore the tan khakis. It turns out they are made of that material that starts drooping after you've had them on half an hour. So they are comfortable, but they are SAGGING off my invisi-butt! I look like those little old ladies we all see in public whose asses appear to have slid off the face of the earth. Sigh.

I so give up.