Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Cavemen Had It Easy

Can you imagine being a cave woman? I don't really want to myself. :)

But she did have one advantage. She didn't get out of bed and wonder what she was going to wear that day. She probably already had it on!

There was no wondering if colors matched or what styles went together or if one should wear white shoes after Labor Day. Shoes, what shoes?

Cavewomen never had conversations that went like this.

"Poor Louise, Mammoth fur does not suit her. She needs something more flattering like leopard."

"I have to agree. All those extra layers make her look fat, and the color brown washes her out."

Back to the present - my oldest daughter had one of those blasted open houses last Thursday at school and I had nothing to wear.

A pair of capri pants and a t-shirt would have been fine, if anything fit. I was bulldozing through my closet, trying stuff on, throwing it aside and getting worked into a tizzy. Not only are my clothes ugly, they don't fit. If it did fit, it was dirty or missing in the monstrous "needs to be folded and put away" pile.

Finally I settled on jeans and a t-shirt. The fat rolls were contained but certainly not hidden.

We went to the open house. It was nothing like the elementary school open houses where there are many shining examples of your child's work displayed. I guess, with 3000 students, it can't be.

I love my daughter and want to know what she is doing in school, but it was a huge waste of time. She can show me more at home and without the crowds of obnoxious people standing in the way.

The next day I decided to go shopping for a few things since summer weather is here.

Everybody seems to brag about TJ Maxx. I haven't been impressed yet but I decided to try again.

They had some okay-looking skirts hanging up in the size fourteen section. The waists looked HUGE so I thought they probably ran big. I grabbed those and some capri pants in size 16 and went in the dressing room.

Well the skirts did not fit. They barely went over my hips. One pair of the pants fit but not well, certainly not well enough to buy.

I spotted a Dexatrim that someone else had dropped on the dressing room floor along with their self-esteem and I hightailed it out of there.

Across the street to Kmart I drove. We needed paper towels and household goods anyway and if I found something to fit, it would be an unexpected bonus.

I found some things to try on and went in the dressing room. I found two pairs of capris that fit like they were made for me. This means they fit my waist, my belly and my flat butt. Woo-hoo. I tried them on in two different colors.

(The reason I tried on both pairs was because I have grabbed identical pants/tops in different colors before and only tried on one of each. Then when I put them on later, the ones in a different color didn't fit the same. Grrrrrr.)

I grabbed the capri pants (ten dollars), a camp shirt (eight dollars), a tank top (five dollars) and some comfortable tennis shoes (fifteen dollars). I also found an adorable pair of sandals for daughter number two.

Yes, I know they're cheap clothes. But my children use me as a napkin and I would rather stain cheap clothes than expensive ones.

I jubilantly arrived home with my purchases and picked up the kids from school.

The next day, I wore the tan khakis. It turns out they are made of that material that starts drooping after you've had them on half an hour. So they are comfortable, but they are SAGGING off my invisi-butt! I look like those little old ladies we all see in public whose asses appear to have slid off the face of the earth. Sigh.

I so give up.


Blogger MsCellania said...

Oh, I was getting all excited for you! But the pants - not so exciting, I guess. *sigh* I am cutting off my jeans that have holes in them (You have seen one pair of them) and wearing them as shorts this summer, along with the usual suspects.

And yes; when will clothing manufacturers just start putting Teflon Butts in all our clothing! Or at least make all the bottom half stuff out of thick, rather stiff material. Nothing clingy, please. The female population deserves to eat while out in public. And let's face it; you can be Kate Moss, but you wolf down half a meal in a slinky knit, and people can see the outline of what you've eaten by the time you're wiping your pinkies on your napkin!

And why men don't wear slinky knits is obvious. The 5% of the male population that is decreed Take Out In Public-able by 99.999999999% of the women on the planet would be outed as *ahem* *cough* *cough* -- liars, dropping the percentage to 2.5% of the 5%. And that tiny percentage? Would be mercilessly hounded by women who have been foolishly led to believe that Size Matters.

Only in Senses of Humors.

And Wallets, m'dears...

11:49 AM  
Blogger Mary Poppins said...

rotf!! I know I should not laugh but the way u tell the story is hilarious!!

I know the kind of pants ur talking about, I have two shirts I bought that fit nice and after like half an hour they start sagging and it looks like my arms are like 2 feet thick...

I've got to redo my wardrobe as well, I've been in a 'smart ass comment' t shirt mode these past weeks and can't part with my jeans...but u can never go wrong with jeans and tees!!

12:09 PM  
Blogger CheerleadingTechie said...

Go to Kohl's they have tons of stuff and are almost always on sale. That or go shopping with Mad Rabbit...when I shop with her, everything fits...

12:43 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

hey Carolyn,

This is Crystal, aka Canofworms from Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper.

I left you a comment on your post, "I've Been Deleted". If you get a chance, please take a look at it. I couldn't find an email address for you and I know it was months ago, but I absolutely cringe at the thought that I've hurt anyone's feelings (especially when it was not intentional), so I wanted to let you know what happened.

I hope it clears that up and that you'll stop back by, if you get a chance!

12:45 PM  
Blogger Ms.L said...

ha,my ass looks like that too.
You did pretty good on the deals you got!

I wish,What not to wear would come do a makeover on me. I could use the money and advice,but as my kids and hubby say"They probably won't let you shop at the cheao stores"
lol,as I usually do in my real life too;p

1:12 PM  
Blogger Chelle said...

Heck, I shop at Kmart if I can find something!! hehe Way to go on the deals!! I hav NEVER ever found anything I like at TJ Maxx, so I never go there. Shopping to me is so not fun!!! Unless it's shopping for shoes...hehe

Great post....!! :) I know this is going to sound bad, but....you are so "real"....I love that!!

2:39 PM  
Blogger nobody1001 said...

Even with my big butt, sometimes I get pants that do that. Once I wore a pair to work (sit down job). By the end of the day, the knees had bagged so much, the slacks ended about four inches above my socks. At least I gave everyone something to laugh about that day. Why don't you return the second pair and get something better?

4:33 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...


I figured out eventually it was an accidental deletion.

And for anybody that hasn't visited Crystal's blog, it's funny.

Ms. L,

Dove was having a contest to be on WNTW. I don't know if they still are but it may be worth checking the website.

4:52 PM  
Anonymous crazedmomof4 said...

If I could find pants that sagged on my butt, well, Thankyou Jesus:D

I shop at Kmart. I like the "less expensie" stores;).

When I was a teen, I'd never shop there. My Mom wouldn't either, but she shopped at Sears & Montgomery Wards, which in my book, was just as bad. I had to spend $50 on a sweat shirt, to make it feel right. Boy was I crazy! I buy so much more now with $50. My Mom now shops at Kmart too! Funny how we change. Plus, she does it because she wants to, not because she has too, like me. I hope my girls are not as picky as I was as a teen.:D

4:57 PM  
Blogger verniciousknids said...

Your cavewoman analogy is inspired! I guess in a mammoth skin you don't have to worry about saggy butt syndrome :D

8:17 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

A few years ago I found a dress on clearance for $1.99. I wore it to a formal event. All night I had to resist the urge to tell everyone how much I paid for it. :)

2:34 PM  
Blogger Lori said...

Who cares were you buy them the only thing that should matter is you got a bargain and they make you feel good about yourself and I agree with chelle you are *real* and I love that too about you.

8:58 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Chelle and Lori - thanks.

9:23 AM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

$1.99...wow. that's awesome!

2:23 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Bearette's right, Liz. It is awesome.

It's always good to get a steal.

3:44 PM  

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