Sunday, May 07, 2006

I Caught The Ugly

Since my son decided to get up at four-twenty this morning, and there are no signs I will get to return to bed, I believe I'll do a Sunday post.

I do not yet feel coherent and I am ranting, so be afraid - be very afraid of blog-induced boredom.

Who was the dumbass who said children keep you young?


I never get enough sleep. I am constantly trying to tame their messes or feed them or dress them or drive them somewhere or...

I'm not feeling the young here!

The next person who says children keep you young can watch my hoodlums for a week. When they come back gasping for air with a permanent tic in the left side of their face, maybe they will change their tune.
Yesterday daughter #2 had a taekwondo tournament. This was the first one. We weren't quite sure what to do.

With help, we figured it out. It was even more boring than I had hoped.

My daughter informed me, as I was tying her belt at home, that my breath was BAD.

Oh great. I brushed my teeth for the second time and we left.

I had to re-tie her belt when we got there only to hear, "Mom your breath still stinks really bad."

Oh yay. It's not a hygeine issue. While my hair and make-up could stand to be pampered more, I am meticulous about hygiene. We've all met somebody who smells really bad and is completely unaware of it. I don't want to be that person.

I put some gum in my mouth but without high hopes as this was an allergy issue. They have been plaguing me for over a month now. My nose has been swollen shut, my eyes have been bloodshot, I'm tired.

The next place we move isn't going to have any damn oak trees. Citrus is out too. My husband is allergic to orange blossoms.

Boy am I rambling today. It's going to get worse.

Does anyone watch Sponge Bob? Does anyone remember the episode where he got bad breath? I'm going to summarize it in parentheses. For those of you who have seen it, you can skip that part. For those of you who are already yawning in boredom, you may want to skip the whole post. :)

(Sponge Bob is a sponge who lives under the sea. His best friend is Patrick the Starfish who has no nose. In this particular episode, SpongeBob made a really nasty breakfast. It gave him death breath.

The breath was illustrated as a green fog coming out his mouth. Everyone that smelled it looked like they had just been clubbed in the face with a poop sandwich and ran for their lives.

Sponge Bob didn't know why everyone kept running from him. He asked his friend Patrick (who can't smell due to no nose) why everyone kept running from him. Patrick told him it was because he was ugly.

Eventually, Sponge Bob shared his breakfast leftovers with Patrick. Then Patrick got the bad breath. Everyone started running from him. Patrick told Spongebob that he had caught his ugly.

This all sounds stupid but the show is hilarious.)

Anyway, I caught the ugly. I had to sit for two hours in the bleachers trying to breathe through my plugged up nose. I also had a cramp between my shoulder blades from sitting in the bleachers.

Breathing through my nose must not have worked, because no matter where I sat, the bleachers directly in front of me emptied.

But hey, I had a clear view of my child. Not all was lost.

My husband gets the pleasure of taking her to the next tournament.
My son was watching Baby Songs today. These are the ones by Hap Palmer.

He sings about things like dressing yourself and giving up diapers.

In one song, there is a clown. The videos are cute except for this. Doesn't Hap Palmer know that clowns are terrifying? How could he not know?!

In the end of the song, the family drives away in their station wagon. The clown is in the hatch and he waves out the back.

Remember the Hitcher with C. Thomas Howell? Yeah, that's what I think of.

Anybody that hasn't seen it or needs their memory refreshed, let me know.


Blogger verniciousknids said...

Spongebob is hilarious...and it bites that you had to start your Sunday so early.

BTW I enjoyed your rant ;)

7:50 AM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Thanks vernicious.

9:00 AM  
Blogger MsCellania said...

Yep, You got some good rant going here.

Are you having any stomach issues? Been popping the tums? Sinus infection? Or maybe it's not your breath at all -- She didn't like the smell of coffee or something. Or the cut of your jib? Or why don't I just quit guessing?

So, give me some hints about the TaeKwonDo tourney. We will be going to our first one in June. Oldest is going to test for his yellow belt. If he's ready.

3:43 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

I think maybe sinus issues, Vickee.

The tournament was in a gym with six mats on the floor. Fifteen minutes before her turn, all yellow, white and orange belts were paged to the staging area.

They were then seperated by age and put on their respective mats.

Then each kid did their set of moves. The judges held up numbers. Then we waited and waited some more for I know not what.

Then they had the kids pretend spar. They faced each other and did their moves.

Then they handed out medals. Everybody at our tournament got a participation medal and the kids that did best got two.

I was so relieved she got a medal. She never would have gone back otherwise. She is sooo proud of it.

It was super boring and uncomfortable and I couldn't hear a thing. But it was worth it for the medal.

4:42 PM  
Blogger BabelBabe said...

so was anyone munching on severed fingers later in the afternoon?

5:14 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Mmmmm, fingers.

5:40 PM  
Anonymous Crazedmomof4 said...

I liked your rant & I like Sponge Bob too! I never show that episode so it sounded great. Now I can't wait to see it. Sorry you got up so early.:(

5:43 PM  
Blogger MsCellania said...

So if I bring a Davenport to the TKD tourney I should be well set?! I had a sneakin' suspician that it would be boring as paint drying. But it's one of those parenting things One Must Do. Oldest is so shy; I fear him just standing there and that's the end of his TKD journey, which has been so wonderful for him.

Did any of the higher belts use weaponry? I'm hoping not - I can just see oldest taking out youngest with the nunchucks at some point. Or me taking out the 2 of them since after all, nunchucks come in pairs, don't they ;)

5:51 PM  
Blogger Yoly said...

I did watch that sponge bob episode, by the way that's my son's favorite cartoon.

My son is taking his first taekowndo test next saturday, he will be trying for his yellow belt.

6:08 PM  
Blogger Tony LaRocca said...

Don't you love how pain in the ass honest kids are? When I shave and look nice, my son's first question is "Where are we going?"

8:20 PM  
Blogger Mary Poppins said...

I know a friend Steve aka dragon breath who caught the ugly permanently..we used to say he's wax off ur eyebrows if u were too close...poor steve.

7:03 AM  
Blogger Carolyn said...


My daughter was very nervous, but she managed. I bet your son will do great.

There was weaponry but I didn't watch it. The free-style was fun. They played music and did their own combination of moves.

What's a davenport?

8:37 AM  
Blogger Carolyn said...


My daughter just got her orange. She was so proud. :)

8:37 AM  
Blogger Carolyn said...


My oldest daughter does something like that. When the house drives me crazy and I start super cleaning, she asks, "Who's coming to visit?"

8:38 AM  
Blogger Carolyn said...


Permanent dragon breath would be awful. Yikes.

8:39 AM  
Blogger CheerleadingTechie said...

Hey Carolyn, my aunt and uncle own a Karate school, maybe the next time they have a tournament I can take "A", you'd get a free babysitter and I'm sure she would enjoy it!

10:24 AM  
Blogger Gingers Mom said...

My kids love Spongebob. I avoided it as long as possible, but now they adore him. Admittedly he is funny. I have never hear of Hap Palmer...I wonder if my 18 month old would like him??
I loved your rant. I like seeing where you mind takes you - and it always makes me laugh.

10:30 AM  
Blogger Ms.L said...

LOL,I remember The Hitcher!

Have you tried SinusBuster?
It's a nosespray made from HOT peppers..apparently it works like a hot damn.

11:56 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

Clubbed in the face with a poop sandwich. Why haven't I been using that expression all these years??

I'm completely paranoid about having bad breath. Sometime I'll have to post a picture of my desk drawer at work, which is stuffed with breath mints and gum.

9:44 AM  

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