Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Dear...

This idea has been shamelessly stolen from Blackbird.


Dear Safeway Shopper,

I see that you decided to buy a different brand of English muffins than the kind you originally put in your cart.

I noticed this because the first package you grabbed was in the wrong spot with the other brand. I also observed that the package you left in the bread section was the brand of English muffins that are supposed to be refrigerated. Do you know how I knew they had to be refrigerated? It was written in big letters on the front.

Perhaps you noticed that you had grabbed them from the refrigerated section. I can't imagine why you would not have returned them there.

I gave the no longer cold English muffins to the clerk and explained where I found them.

Safeway loses money when idiots like you do things like this. Do you think they take the loss? That's what you get for thinking - something that seems beyond you anyway. They pass these kind of losses on in the form of higher prices to everybody, myself included, even YOU.

But if you are too lazy to put back your damn muffins you are probably too lazy to give a crap.

Sincerely irritated,
Carolyn
********************


Dear pre-school director,

I fear you have listened to one too many choruses of "Puff the Magic Dragon".

Surely, you are unaware of the basic nature of children.

If you keep them inside all morning long and then give them lunch OUTSIDE during the last 45 minutes of pre-school, they are not going to eat their lunch. They are going to play.

For heavens sake, feed them inside fifteen minutes earlier, then let them out.

I am tired of picking my son up from school and finding the only thing missing from his carefully packed lunch is his juice box.

I will be glad when summer is over and the regular director is back.

Won't be missing you,
Carolyn
********************


Dear angst-filled teen boy,

It was unfortunate that you were the person who checked me out at Casa De Fruta. You would not even look me in the eye or acknowledge my presence.

What's the matter? Did your zit cream quit working? Did you have to cancel a hot date? Has the reality finally hit that you have to work if you want to smoke pot?

If you had listened to the conversation I was having with my youngest daughter, you would have heard me telling her that I was not buying candy with a real scorpion inside for her because THAT WAS DISGUSTING.

You might have noticed that I unwittingly grabbed a scorpion lollipop. I would never pay four-dollars for a lollipop, let alone one with something crawly encased in it.

Shame on me for not paying closer attention to the packaging. Shame on you for giving customer service (which that was most assuredly not) a bad name.

Fearing For Our Country's Future,
Carolyn
*******************


Dear Dig-Me Man,

Your looks of disdain directed at my son did not escape me while I was chasing him around Trader Joe's. I shudder to imagine your face had he actually had a tantrum.

It was obvious that you were too sexy for your shirt and probably spend more hours gazing in your mirror than Snow White's step-mother.

If your patience is that short when you don't have to deal with the child yourself, then do us all a favor and ALWAYS wear a rubber.

The world is already filled with enough shitty parents.

Disgustedly,
Carolyn

11 Comments:

Blogger Mary Poppins said...

OMG, I almost snorted my coke out of my nose...

"Did ur zit cream stop working for you?"

Shit I have had plenty of those...

I'd like to make a letter out to cashiers who obviously did not get laid the night before...

9:00 AM  
Blogger Mary Poppins said...

Coke as in Coca cola...
Just wanted to clarify...LOL

9:00 AM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Mary,

I knew you meant Coca Cola. Nobody EVER snorts out the other kind. :)

9:23 AM  
Blogger Chelle said...

Those are great! I have so many times written letters like that in my head....lol Nice to know that I am not th eonly one who gets irritated with people. :)

10:34 AM  
Anonymous Crazedmomof4 said...

I get so mad at people in stores who just put things back where they don't belong.

Yuck! That's gross about the candy. I never heard of it. That would make a good punishment for my kids though. At least Taz. "You better behave in the store or I'll buy you a lollipop with a SCORPION in it!" :)

10:45 AM  
Blogger CheerleadingTechie said...

Have you even seen the show "Blind Date"?

If not, it's a show about exactly that, blind dates on TV for the hopeless daters out there.

Anyway, usually the dates are awful, but funny, and all through the date little cartoons and thought bubbles pop up... not about what the people are really thinking, but what they look like they might be thinking...

I think you'd be great as one of those people who sits backstage and makes up those thought bubbles.

Just a thought.

11:19 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

What a riot! My favorite is the letter to the angst-filled teenage boy. Especially: "Has the reality finally hit that you have to work if you want to smoke pot?"

You've put into words the feelings I've had so many times...

3:54 PM  
Blogger MsCellania said...

yes Yes YES
And Amen Sistah!
I almost had a stroke 2 days ago while running errands. It was the Day Of the Doofus Supremes. Unbelievable.
But I vividly remember being young and dumb and working.
I helped a GF and her father load up Wall Street Journals in those newspaper-machine-thingys where you put in quarters and the doors opens - (drawing a blank on the name)
Anyway, we pulled up to one in the downtown area, and all that was left was a snapped chain - the box had been stolen. I asked my GF's dad "Why would someone want All Those Newspapers?"
He sighed, looked over a me and said "Gosh, I think they wanted All Those Quarters."
Yup. Dumb as a Stump. But at least I made eye contact!

10:28 PM  
Blogger Gingers Mom said...

"Do us all a favor and always wear a rubber" I almost peed my pants. Great post. I loved it. I wish you could send all of these out there! I'll have to try this sometime.

7:23 AM  
Blogger nobody1001 said...

Thank God you're posting again. Go to my blog. I'm going to do a quick post about my worst experience with checkers.

11:44 AM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Vickee-
Somebody might want all those papers if they were moving and needed something to wrap dishes in!

Techie-
That'd be a fun job.

2:37 PM  

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