Dear...

This idea has been shamelessly stolen from Blackbird.


Dear Safeway Shopper,

I see that you decided to buy a different brand of English muffins than the kind you originally put in your cart.

I noticed this because the first package you grabbed was in the wrong spot with the other brand. I also observed that the package you left in the bread section was the brand of English muffins that are supposed to be refrigerated. Do you know how I knew they had to be refrigerated? It was written in big letters on the front.

Perhaps you noticed that you had grabbed them from the refrigerated section. I can't imagine why you would not have returned them there.

I gave the no longer cold English muffins to the clerk and explained where I found them.

Safeway loses money when idiots like you do things like this. Do you think they take the loss? That's what you get for thinking - something that seems beyond you anyway. They pass these kind of losses on in the form of higher prices to everybody, myself included, even YOU.

But if you are too lazy to put back your damn muffins you are probably too lazy to give a crap.

Sincerely irritated,
Carolyn
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Dear pre-school director,

I fear you have listened to one too many choruses of "Puff the Magic Dragon".

Surely, you are unaware of the basic nature of children.

If you keep them inside all morning long and then give them lunch OUTSIDE during the last 45 minutes of pre-school, they are not going to eat their lunch. They are going to play.

For heavens sake, feed them inside fifteen minutes earlier, then let them out.

I am tired of picking my son up from school and finding the only thing missing from his carefully packed lunch is his juice box.

I will be glad when summer is over and the regular director is back.

Won't be missing you,
Carolyn
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Dear angst-filled teen boy,

It was unfortunate that you were the person who checked me out at Casa De Fruta. You would not even look me in the eye or acknowledge my presence.

What's the matter? Did your zit cream quit working? Did you have to cancel a hot date? Has the reality finally hit that you have to work if you want to smoke pot?

If you had listened to the conversation I was having with my youngest daughter, you would have heard me telling her that I was not buying candy with a real scorpion inside for her because THAT WAS DISGUSTING.

You might have noticed that I unwittingly grabbed a scorpion lollipop. I would never pay four-dollars for a lollipop, let alone one with something crawly encased in it.

Shame on me for not paying closer attention to the packaging. Shame on you for giving customer service (which that was most assuredly not) a bad name.

Fearing For Our Country's Future,
Carolyn
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Dear Dig-Me Man,

Your looks of disdain directed at my son did not escape me while I was chasing him around Trader Joe's. I shudder to imagine your face had he actually had a tantrum.

It was obvious that you were too sexy for your shirt and probably spend more hours gazing in your mirror than Snow White's step-mother.

If your patience is that short when you don't have to deal with the child yourself, then do us all a favor and ALWAYS wear a rubber.

The world is already filled with enough shitty parents.

Disgustedly,
Carolyn