Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Take a Yellow Chainsaw to the Old Oak Tree

It's that time of year again.

The flowers are blooming, the birds are singing and the blasted oak trees begin sprouting leaves.

My nose is dripping. My eyes itch incessantly. My throat looks bullfrog-like due to swollen glands and the bags under my eyes have reached mammoth-sized proportions.

The rest of the year I love the oak trees. However, when they bloom, I could gladly go out and cut them all down. Then I would enclose my house inside a magical pollen-proof tent.

Mix these miserable allergies with PMS and I'm not surprised to see my family in the corner plotting ways to make my death look like an accident.

If any of you were here, you would help them with the plotting.
We took the kids to a motel in Auburn, CA Saturday night for no reason other than to spend some time with them. Actually it was my husband's idea.

My idea was to leave them at the drop-in daycare while we went out to dinner.

The hotel had a spa and heated pool, both motel requirements for my husband.

Me, I don't care, because the last time I was in public in a swimsuit was probably ten years ago and I made sure it was dark out first. That was until this trip anyway.

I do have a swimsuit. It looks like this.

If it were possible to find the old time swimsuits that covered women from elbow to knee, I would have one.

I took the swimsuit to the motel with us just in case. I tried it on only to begin laughing hysterically.

It used to fit, but now it's a good size or two larger than I need.

So it sagged down on the crotch looking for all the world like I was hiding a penis in there.

I did eventually get up my courage to wear it, so as to help my husband with the kids in the pool. I made sure it was dark out first and walked to the pool with my clothes covering it.

I then quickly removed the clothes and slid in the pool. There was a man with his son there, the only people besides my family in the pool.

He left almost as soon as I got in. Maybe my penis scared him off.

The kids had a blast. As with most "breaks" taken with the kids, my husband and I came home more tired than when we left.

Now it is time for me to cease my bitching and try to clean the house.

Will someone let me know when Friday gets here?


Blogger Bearette24 said...

I know what you mean...when those bottoms stretch out, yikes! the penis bit made me laugh out loud.

PMS makes me pretty monstrous too. d should probably live in a hotel for that time.

10:21 AM  
Blogger paula said...

Firstly- Cute photo in your profile!

And B- you must have PMS because if I read correctly, you said your swimsuit is now TOO BIG and you're not happy about that.

10:21 AM  
Blogger Sarah Louise said...

Love the title. Love your new profile pic.

Love the post--swimsuits are always a fun topic...

BUT ABOUT FRIDAY--I need an extra day this week, so don't go rushing my week!!

11:54 AM  
Blogger Ms.L said...

It's good though that it's too big,lol
I have a pair of pants we call the vagina pants because they fold in such a way as to suggest I have a giant one! ACK the HORROR

12:03 PM  
Blogger Ty said...

I just tried to leave a comment so if you I end up with 2, sorry!

All I really said was that you should be ashamed of yourself for scaring that poor man out of the pool with your penis bathing suit! I laughed very loudly when I read that!

1:02 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

Bearette - It wouldn't be the first time I've been mistaken for a drag queen.

Paula - That's Mandy typing away. I wish my clothes would shrink with me.

SL - Okay, I won't rush your week. I'm glad to see you here. I've missed you.

Ms. L - Can I call you big pussy now?

1:03 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

Ty - I'm glad I made you laugh. :)
I didn't want the post to sound like my crabby, PMS'ing self was having a pity party.

1:04 PM  
Anonymous Mad Rabbit said...

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-feel better now?? I hope so. So where is Auburn and is that what Ally meant by going to a pj party at a motel?

4:27 PM  
Blogger Mary Poppins said...

Hey..look on the bright side...it's two sizes LARGER..!! so you're a slender woman with a penis...

7:06 PM  
Blogger Lori said...

Friday is almost here.

7:33 PM  
Blogger Roxanne said...

I'm repulsed and amused all at once. That can only mean one thing. I'm reading Caro's blog!

8:00 PM  
Blogger craftydabbler said...

Sorry about the allergies. My husband has a terrible time with almost all trees, but mostly those with white bark.

My mom used to take us to a hotel everyonce in a while for a getaway. It was fun. One time my little brother was cold walking back from the pool. He ducked his head and started running towards the room. He ran smack into a pole and fell over backwards. It was awful, but kind of funny, too.

9:10 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

MR - Is it a Lucy Ricardo "waaaah"? Those kind always make me feel better as long as "A" isn't doing them.

Mary - That comment made me laugh out loud. Yes, I guess there is always a bright side.

Roxanne - Repulsed? I'm crushed. :)

Craftydabbler - My family laughs at those kind of things too. Last night my son fell on his face AND it was while he was being a turd. We all laughed. I felt bad when I saw his goose egg though.

10:38 AM  
Blogger Gingers Mom said...

I hate allergy season. I am the same way...a perpetual headache and runny nose. Blech! Good for you on having a swimsuit too big! I wish that was MY problem...
I'll take a penis over a mommy belly anyday.

12:45 PM  
Blogger My float said...

Get thee to a swimming shop and buy a new pair of swimmers!

I laughed like a loon when I read your comment about the man getting out of the pool because of your penis. It must have been a damn big one!!

2:23 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

Lori - Ack! How did I miss your comment. So true it is around the corner.

GM - I have a Mommy belly too. I'm working on it but it's slooow going.

My Float - Maybe he was intimidated because his wasn't as grand. :)

6:29 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

I remember the seats of my childhood bathing suits always being the first part to wear out... after a while they were nearly translucent from scooting off the concrete side into the water.

6:44 AM  
Blogger Iamthebookworm said...

I feel your pain! I don't get a runny nose or sneezing. I get intense sinus congestion that gives me a killer headache. And the tree pollen is the worst.

And its Friday!

6:24 PM  
Blogger Joke said...

Just the title alone slayed me.


12:07 AM  
Blogger Pendullum said...

'So it sagged down on the crotch looking for all the world like I was hiding a penis in there.'
Nice image!!!

WOMAN!!! go buy yourself a new bathing suit!!!!
You owe it to your children...

8:50 AM  
Blogger verniciousknids said...

I empathise with the allergies as I'm blowing my nose and clawing my eyes out over here too...and don't even get me started on the constant sneezing and eye watering...grr

7:52 AM  
Blogger Caro said...

Liz - I always hated the way the cement made little pills all over the suit.

Bookworm - There is so much tree pollen on the car that my paper towel turns green when I clean the windows.

Joke - It's not a very pc title, is it?

Pendullum - I won't wear one for another ten years so it's okay.

Vernicious - Itchy eyes are the worst.

9:41 AM  

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