Monday, April 30, 2007

A Hopping Saturday Night

Little Miss Azure came home from school one day last week very excited about the Power Team. There was an assembly at school and she was uber impressed with their demonstrations.

I was begged all week long to go see their show. It didn't cost a lot of money, but was a half hour drive. I decided to relent on Saturday evening.

My husband watched Sammy while Azure and I went to see the Power Team.

The Power Team is a Christian group. They break blocks of cement and ice to demonstrate bringing down the barriers between you and God.

I was not raised in the church at all. I am not comfortable in the church. I fear that a lightning bolt will come from somewhere and strike me in the buttocks when I enter.

I do believe in God but he's like that distant uncle in another state you never met and probably never will. You would certainly never dream of asking him for a favor or inviting him over for a barbeque. That would be way too awkward.

We parked in a parking lot near the church and waited for the shuttle.

The shuttle turned out to be a dark red Ford Econoline that had seen better days.

The driver asked us in a cheery Ned Flanders voice, "Do you know who this van belongs to?"

"Who?" we asked.

"JESUS," he replied.

Oh shit, my lips were quivering. I was trying so hard not to laugh and I so badly wanted to ask him if Jesus had to get a driver's license like everybody else.

Azure made it even worse. She asked, "Have you seen him?"

Yeah, Azure, sure he has, peeking in the damn window like that Burger King commercial!

Thank goodness the guy wasn't offended. He said while he hadn't seen Jesus in person, he had seen him in the face of his son.

We arrived at the church quickly and he helped us out of the van. We were half an hour early. I wanted the good seats. There were bibles in the seats and I moved them. Then I wondered if I had committed a breach of etiquette. Do Christians save their seats with bibles? A half hour of Azure's questions were the price for getting the seats in front.

"Mom, why does that sign on the wall say, Behold the lamb? Why does that sign say God is great?"

"Because, Azure we are in a church."

"We are?"

"Don't you see the pews? People come here to worship."

"What's worship mean?"

"GAAAAAHHHHH!"

A family came and sat next to us. The lady in the family smelled like she had smoked a pack of cigarettes on the way and tried to cover the smell with cheap perfume. Yay, two of my unfavorite smells in the whole wide world!

She hugged a lot of people while she was there. As bad as she smelled I wondered if she was marking her turf like a dog.

The world's longest half hour passed and then ten more minutes for good measure. Finally the show started. There was music and everyone had to stand up. Then we had to do this cheerleader type routine.

Say "J" - "J!"

Say "E" - "E!"

Say "S" - "S!"

Say "U" - "U!"

Say "S" - "S!"

"What does it spell?"

"JESUS!"

Then the guy on the stage started yelling more stuff.

"Who is the savior?"

"JESUS"

"Who died for your sins?"

"JESUS"

"Who has his own red van?"

(Okay, I threw that one in there.)

Then the show started. These men were huge weightlifters. They smashed blocks of ice, one of them with his head. They blasted through concrete. Lots of stuff was blasted.

Then they started blowing up hot water bottles. One guy exploded his pretty quickly but the other one kept blowing and blowing. His neck was purple. I feared he was going to meet his maker right there. Finally it exploded. I jumped about a foot as the noise sounded a bit like that lightning coming for me.

Then the preaching started. One of the men told a story that was cute. After that though, he started talking about how the only way to be saved was to accept God into your heart.

Azure gave me a stricken look as if she were about to cry. I wasn't sure if it was because the sermon was going on so long or because she realized that she was going straight to hell thanks to me.

At last, the show started up again. Iron rods were bent. Phone books were torn in half. One guy took frying pans and rolled them up like tacos.

There was a new guy that looked like a Bubba to me. His name was actually Tony, but he'll always be Bubba to me. He was having trouble bending the iron rod.

The lead man kept extolling the crowd to cheer for him.

I wondered if throwing my bra at him would help or if he would have a heart attack on the spot.

Basically the show consisted of demonstrations interspersed with preaching and fund raising.

It was a good show. The men were amazing.

When the show was over, Azure and I went back to the shuttle van and got a lift.

On the way home I was switching radio stations and heard the something I had NEVER heard. Johnny Cash was singing, "I'll make you a believer."

I was already switching to another station, and wondered if I'd heard correctly. I switched back in time to hear:

"Reach out and touch faith, reach out and touch faith, reach out and touch faith."

It was like God was saying, "You'd better watch it Missy."

Did I ever mention Faith is actually my middle name?

Man, the Saturday nights are wild around here, I tell ya.

20 Comments:

Blogger Ty said...

A friend of mine invited me to a "camp meeting" about 5 years ago. At the time I was a faithful church goer so I was like sure, sounds like a good time since there was going to be lots of music which I enjoy.

Well, my friend is a pentecostal through and through and this camp meeting was crazy.

The preacher was yelling, spit flying from his mouth and then he started running around laying hands on people. The people were dropping like flies.

Then he heads my way. I was like oh hell naw and I took off running to the back of the room.

The best part is no one thought I was running in fear or anything. They just thought I was full of the holy ghost and couldn't stay still.

I still laugh about that to this day.

6:04 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

Ty-- LOL!

Caro, does your daughter do to a private school? I can just imagine how all hell would break loose if the Power Team performed at any of our local public schools...

6:33 AM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

lol. that reminded me of the bible beating scene in borat ;)

9:27 AM  
Blogger Caro said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

10:01 AM  
Blogger Caro said...

Ty - I wish I could have seen that!

Liz - Public school actually. When they perform there, they talk about resisting peer pressure and avoiding drugs.

Bearette - I've never seen Borat. I'm famous for renting movies and never sitting down and watching them.

10:03 AM  
Blogger Gingers Mom said...

Your comments about Jesus and the van had me laughing with tears rolling down my face. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! Some people are super exuberant about Jesus. And it should be that way. When you were raised in the church and you speak "churchese" as I like to call it, you forget that others aren't used to it. And don't know what the hell you mean by Jesus owns this van. Hee hee hee....
I thought his comment about seeing Jesus in the face of his son was really sweet.
I was raised in the church as I said and I am not comfortable in them either. A lot of junk happens there. A lot of hypocracy. But a lot of good happens there, like the presence of God.
As much as you feel like he is distant, He reall isn't. None of us are deserving of having Him in our lives, but He likes the lot of us anyway.
Sorry to get too preachy on your blog. It was a great post. Sounds like a great show.

12:24 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

GM - It was a great show. Preach away. :) I know you are one of the lucky people who have a relationship with God.

4:42 PM  
Blogger velcro said...

I admire your dedication to your daughter to sit through such a show. I couldn't do it. The mere whiff of religion and I am off outta there. Can't bear the godbotherers sorry!

5:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did Azure seem unduly upset on the way home? Sounds like they went a little too far.

8:24 AM  
Blogger Ms.L said...

Ooooh I am laughing so hard right now..red van,heeehaaheehaawheeee!
You were sweet to take your girlie:)

12:09 PM  
Blogger Ms.L said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

12:09 PM  
Blogger Chris H said...

Ahhh religion, a no go zone for me to comment on, otherwise I would have something nice and positive to say to you today...I hope you enjoyed your evening?

12:37 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

Velcro - The eye-candy helped a bit.

Anonymous - She seemed fine. She was mad because I didn't buy a souvenir. LOL

Ms.L - Yes, this one goes under the things I do for my kids.

Chris H - It was actually veeery uncomfortable. I did it for Azure.

5:44 PM  
Blogger AM said...

"but the other one kept blowing and blowing. His neck was purple. I feared he was going to meet his maker right there."

I'm just crawling back up from the floor onto my chair, tears of laughter still streaming down my face. You really had me in stitches with this piece. Brilliant writing.

7:03 AM  
Blogger Caro said...

Am - Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

6:03 PM  
Blogger Mary Poppins said...

Aw man..that story had me rolling...

Jesus and the Red Van tour....coming soon to a town near you...!! lol..

7:58 AM  
Blogger Waspgoddess said...

caro, sorry that was me ending up signed in as am yesterday. sometimes these split personalities get rather confusing :)

8:15 AM  
Blogger Sarah Louise said...

I've seen these guys on TV. Their presentation style sounds a little hard core--I wonder if they realized they were reaching out--sometimes the "churched" go a little overboard.

Good for you for sticking it out for Azure, though. And I can say for my church that a bolt of lightening won't strike you when you enter...well, I guess it didn't when you went to that one...

You're a good mom.

Hugs, SL

12:26 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

Mary - I really, really want to see his driver's license.

Waspgoddess - I do that too. :)

SL - They obviously felt strongly about their message.

1:50 PM  
Blogger John Foust said...

I'm curious, do you know how your daughter learned about the revival meeting while at school?

The Power Team assemblies in five SE Wisconsin school districts were cancelled in January 2007, as one superintendent put it, "eliminating any notion that the schools were connected with the promotion of a crusade." A scheduled assembly was cancelled in Houston in May 2007, because the principal decided "it was not appropriate for a school setting."

For more information, see my web page at goJefferson.com or Google 'power team jefferson'.

11:29 AM  

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