Why Nobody Likes to Shop With Me

Typical thoughts while browsing Walmart:

Okay we need toothpaste. The cheapest kind is a buck. Clean teeth are clean teeth, but I have a great coupon for Aqua-Fresh Advanced. Let's see, there's Aqua- Fresh Plus, Aqua-Fresh Premium and Aqua-Fresh Use Me Because You Have Worse Breath Than the Dog. Nowhere do I see Aqua-Fresh Advanced. Ohhhhh, it should be right there where that empty hole is. Frickin' figures. Probably a million people had the same damn coupon.

Pantene is next. What the heck! It's four bucks a bottle! It was never four bucks a bottle. Oh I see. They did a rollback on the crap I won't buy and marked the Pantene up to balance it out. Bastards.

Toilet paper time. I have a coupon for the Scott Extra Soft. Here's Scott. I'm looking, looking, looking but there is no extra soft. I guess I'll just buy the generic toilet paper. Let's hope it doesn't leave lintballs. I also need flush wipes. I can only find the name brand ones in this section. I'll have to backtrack to the pharmacy section. Crap.

Ack, the store is getting crowded. It was empty when I got here. Hey you, yeah all you people blocking the aisle! Can you not see me trying to get past? Do you not care? Oh I'm sorry you're too busy trying to figure out which brand of hemmorhoid ointment to rub on your face to actually look up and pay attention. May your rear-end fall off next time you sit on the toilet. And I hope your toilet paper leaves lint balls all over you.

Ooh, look. Curves has a new cereal. How many calories are in it? Oh crap! There's almost 200 calories in a cup! I'll be getting more of those curves in the wrong places if I eat this.

We need strawberry jelly. Now if this lady who is looking at the jelly will hurry up and choose. Come on lady. It's jelly not an algebra problem. HURRY UP! Oh screw it. I'll go in the next aisle while you pick your ass.

Oh look a search and rescue party in the next aisle. How do I know? Because they're fanning out, that's how! Between the cart and the two women on each side of it, there is no passing. I guess I'll go see if Miss Slow is done looking at jelly.

Yay, she's gone. I'll get some Smuckers. It was cheap last time. What's this? They marked that up too! I'm so damn sick of this. I'll buy the generic and hope it doesn't suck.

I need hand soap. The eighty-eight cent kind is sold out. Here's the new aloe vera yogurt soap and I have a thirty-cent coupon. Thirty-cents is really not much off of two bucks. But it's something.

Laundry detergent time. I really like Tide but it's twice the price of Purex. Clean clothes are clean clothes.

Finally done and time to check out. Oh goodie. Everybody else got done shopping at the same time I did. And I'm behind the lady who has eight kajillion items AND she's writing a check veeeeery slowly. Unreal.

Thank goodness I am finally done. Now it's time to go to the grocery store where everything is filled with corn syrup!