The Panama Canal Sounds Much Nicer

Due to incessant pain, I finally hauled myself to the dentist. I found a new dentist, one who offers nitrous oxide.

As I expected, it is time for a root canal. ROOT CANAL! There are only two other combinations of words can that make my stomach drop quite as quickly. They are "tax audit" and "unexpected pregnancy."

My dentist referred me to a specialist who does nothing but root canals. He is supposed to be wonderful. But somehow I'm still not excited to see him. October seventh is my D-Day.

Since I've gone from one 800 milligram Motrin a day to three, this is one appointment I won't be cancelling. Sob.

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My new dentist, the one who will be doing my fillings, was very kind. At least he had the decency to laugh at my wimpiness after I left the office.

He's very soothing. I call him Doctor Xanax behind his back.

There was a big pile of paperwork to fill out at the first appointment. One of the questions was, "How do you rate your smile on a scale of one to ten?" I put six.

The next question was, "How do you think it would be improved?" I know they wanted me to put tooth whitening so they could give me the spiel. Instead I put facelift. I still got the spiel.

When I came to the question, "What is the most important thing you want from your dentist?", I put PAIN RELIEF.

There was another question right after it about how the dentist could serve my needs and I put PAIN RELIEF.

Surely they got the hint.

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Azure joined the cross country team and she has been plodding right along. Yesterday she came in 69th place. They wrote a big black magic marker 69 on my daughter's hand. Snicker.

I think there were probably 72 kids but she was very proud of herself. We went to the grocery store and she told everyone who would listen, "I came in 69th in the race."

My husband stayed home yesterday to help with Sammy. Sammy's ABA falls at the same time as Azure's track meets. Scheduling has been a bitch.

I actually got to watch this track meet vs. last weeks track meet which went something like this.

"Sammy quit climbing those stairs!"

"Sammy, I SAID quit climbing those stairs.

Getting up and running after him, "GET OFF THE STAIRS!"

Also throw in these other phrases, repeated at least 999 times each.

"Sammy get off the track. The runners are coming!"

"You have to go to the bathroom AGAIN?"

"Sammy quit shuffling your feet. You're raising dirt on everyone."

"Sammy quit climbing the fence!"

I am feeling very ragged and rundown lately. If anybody can figure out why, give me a call.

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The most notable "Sammyism" of late was in the grocery store tonight when he saw the elderly black lady.

He walked up to her and said, "I'm white and you're brown?"

"Yes," she said, "Want to touch my arm?"

He touched her arm and then kept saying in a wondering tone, "I'm white and you're brown."

She didn't mind but he wouldn't stop and I explained to her that he has A-U-T-I-S-M and tends to repeat himself.

There is not enough hair dye in the world to cover this gray.