Happy New Year

It's hard to believe 2010 is already here, just when I got used to writing 2009 on my checks.

I could tell stories about our interesting and sickly Pismo Beach vacation when my son pooped in the motel bed. Or I could steal an idea from Liz ,at least I think it was from Liz, and write a few letters.

I hope she doesn't mind that I borrowed her idea. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery even if you won't catch me flashing the pizza guy any time soon.


Dear Cat,

Perhaps you haven't caught on yet to the fact you are not allowed on my kitchen counter so let me lay it out for you.

Here's the deal. You shed hair on my couch, occasionally track poop on my floor and wash your ass on my bed.

So if I have just finished washing the kitchen counter, and you stupidly jump up there two seconds later, be prepared to be squirted with water or otherwise dissuaded from your course of action. You have nine lives and I'm sure you would like to save them for something significant like maybe taunting dobermans.

Sincerely,
The Establishment (You know the one who scoops your poop every single day.)


And while we're on that subject.


Dear Cat,

Please feel free to not take a crap when somebody is brushing their teeth, bathing or otherwise occupied in the bathroom.

I know you can hold it, because it miraculously appears out of you approximately thirty seconds after I have cleaned the box.

Sincerely,
The Establishment


Dear Solicitors,

I do not want to buy overpriced candy, magazine subscriptions, miracle cleaners, a new religion, pest control or cable television.

I do not want to hear that selling candy is "keeping you off the street." Parents or some other responsible adult should be keeping you off the streets.

Chances are if I am home, I have already changed into my pajamas, stripped off my bra and started cooking dinner. This means I don't want to answer the door and you really don't want to see me. Think of your corneas.

However, if somebody wants to sell me a doorbell that says, "Get the hell off my porch," instead of making a chime noise, feel free to come knocking.

The only other solicitor I am truly interested in seeing is a Girl Scout selling cookies. How come you guys never show up?

Sincerely,
Grumpy


Dear Government,

Please get out of bed with Big Pharma and quit pushing the whole immunization thing.

Some parents choose to immunize. Some parents choose not to immunize. Just like not every person reacts to medication the same way, not every child reacts to immunizations the same way.

We want honest, unbiased research done on immunizations. We do not want the same companies who make the product, conducting the research on the product. That worked so well with Big Tobacco, don't you think?

However, the fact that swine flu immunizations are not covered by the National Vaccine Injury Compensation Program make makes me suspect that you are all playing footsie under the table. In fact, I'm sure of it.

Signed,
Fleeing the country