The Panama Canal Sounds Much Nicer

Due to incessant pain, I finally hauled myself to the dentist. I found a new dentist, one who offers nitrous oxide.

As I expected, it is time for a root canal. ROOT CANAL! There are only two other combinations of words can that make my stomach drop quite as quickly. They are "tax audit" and "unexpected pregnancy."

My dentist referred me to a specialist who does nothing but root canals. He is supposed to be wonderful. But somehow I'm still not excited to see him. October seventh is my D-Day.

Since I've gone from one 800 milligram Motrin a day to three, this is one appointment I won't be cancelling. Sob.

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My new dentist, the one who will be doing my fillings, was very kind. At least he had the decency to laugh at my wimpiness after I left the office.

He's very soothing. I call him Doctor Xanax behind his back.

There was a big pile of paperwork to fill out at the first appointment. One of the questions was, "How do you rate your smile on a scale of one to ten?" I put six.

The next question was, "How do you think it would be improved?" I know they wanted me to put tooth whitening so they could give me the spiel. Instead I put facelift. I still got the spiel.

When I came to the question, "What is the most important thing you want from your dentist?", I put PAIN RELIEF.

There was another question right after it about how the dentist could serve my needs and I put PAIN RELIEF.

Surely they got the hint.

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Azure joined the cross country team and she has been plodding right along. Yesterday she came in 69th place. They wrote a big black magic marker 69 on my daughter's hand. Snicker.

I think there were probably 72 kids but she was very proud of herself. We went to the grocery store and she told everyone who would listen, "I came in 69th in the race."

My husband stayed home yesterday to help with Sammy. Sammy's ABA falls at the same time as Azure's track meets. Scheduling has been a bitch.

I actually got to watch this track meet vs. last weeks track meet which went something like this.

"Sammy quit climbing those stairs!"

"Sammy, I SAID quit climbing those stairs.

Getting up and running after him, "GET OFF THE STAIRS!"

Also throw in these other phrases, repeated at least 999 times each.

"Sammy get off the track. The runners are coming!"

"You have to go to the bathroom AGAIN?"

"Sammy quit shuffling your feet. You're raising dirt on everyone."

"Sammy quit climbing the fence!"

I am feeling very ragged and rundown lately. If anybody can figure out why, give me a call.

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The most notable "Sammyism" of late was in the grocery store tonight when he saw the elderly black lady.

He walked up to her and said, "I'm white and you're brown?"

"Yes," she said, "Want to touch my arm?"

He touched her arm and then kept saying in a wondering tone, "I'm white and you're brown."

She didn't mind but he wouldn't stop and I explained to her that he has A-U-T-I-S-M and tends to repeat himself.

There is not enough hair dye in the world to cover this gray.

The Season Starts

I'm not talking about sports or television. I'm talking about the cold/flu season. Sammy and I already had the first colds of the year. Azure was right behind us but hers has gone to asthma as usual. We made our routine trip to the doctor today for an inhaler.

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After my dental crown experience, I neglected to find a new dentist. Yes, I know dental health is important. As soon as they can figure a way for me to sleep through the whole thing, I'm on board with getting some work done again.

The crown has decided recently that day has come. At the very least, I plan on finding somebody who offers nitrous oxide.

I need somebody soon before the crown falls off. I'll be boiled in hot oil before I go back to Dentist "Vee have vays of making you talk."

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Sammy is beginning to adjust to school. His aide said he is doing very well.

She did have a few complaints:

1. He chews with his mouth open.
2. He picks his nose on purpose to gross the other kids out (eats it too).
3. He jokes about farts with the other boys.

I can get that one and two need to be corrected but number three is normal male behavior, right?

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He is also supposed to start learning to pack his own lunches.

The ABA tutors come by to run his programs. We get to the lunch packing program. I lay out the food.

He makes his lunch and THEN he eats it. The lunch isn't making it into the lunchbox.

At least the boy likes to eat!

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The dieting is going well. I take one Alli a day with the highest fat meal.

Most of my meals are extremely low in fat so it's hard to pick a meal sometimes.

I'm also jogging on the treadmill but I'm not back to lifting weights yet.

The treadmill times are getting a lot better though. When I was eating like a pig, I struggled a lot with the treadmill. Jogging is much easier when you are eating healthier.

Why did it take me so long to figure this one out?

I Was Tagged By

LAEL


1. What were you doing ten years ago:
Growing child number two in my womb and driving everybody crazy with my pregnancy hormones.

2. Five things on my to do list for today:
a) Clean kitchen - got that one done.
b) Make dinner.
c) Try to teach my son some social play skills
d) Move the laundry from the washer to the dryer and start another load
e) Find out where to order Juice2 vitamins, if that is indeed what they are called.

3. What is your favorite snack?
It depends on my mood. My current craving is dried, roasted, salted edamame. Oh so good and fattening of course.

4. If I were a millionaire I would
Pay off all our debt.
Send all the kids to really good colleges.
Help my family if they needed it.
Hire a personal trainer and chef.
Donate to various charities - my two favorite causes are homelessness and autism

Wait a minute - is this a millionare as in just one million or is it a millionaire as in millions? We all know one million doesn't go very far nowadays.

5. Places I have lived:
Palmyra, ME
Fort Dix, NJ - basic training
Fort Benjamin Harrison, IN - more military training
Porterville, CA
San Jose, CA

6. Five people I'm tagging:
The first five people to comment on this. Ha ha!

I'm a Grumpy Old Troll Who Lives Under the Bridge

Lots has changed in life lately but the one constant for the last month seems to be that I'm a miserable troll.

Can PMS last for a whole month?

I am behind on answering e-mails and popping into blogs because when I get the blues/bitch thing going on, I avoid people. This includes my family who have all noticed I have mentally checked out.

But enough of that.

A friend of Jupiter's has a Dad who is a mechanic and works on a car lot. He found Jupiter the perfect car for a thousand dollars. My mother loaned her the money.

I will save the story of picking it up for later. It makes me tired to think of it.

The car is a 1989 Chevy Blazer. While the miles are high, it has obviously been well loved and cared for. The upholstery and engine are in excellent shape. She adores it and I am happy that she has a pair of wheels.

Boots received a ride in it and he loves it too as does Sammy.

Jupiter is moving in with my mother who lives four hours south of us. I hope she helps around the house while she lives there and doesn't run my Mom ragged.

In other news I am channeling Jaba the Hutt. Why is it that when you most need to exercise in order to make yourself feel better, you feel the least like it?

I am fat and out of shape. I start on Alli tomorrow. Please everybody cross your fingers that I don't soil myself. Wouldn't that impress the other parents when I picked my kids up at school?

My son may need to go to the dr tomorrow. He kept saying his "whinny" hurt yesterday. As the day progressed he appeared to develop elephantitis of the penis. I am soaking him in salt baths and applying yeast cream but if it hasn't subsided tomorrow we will be taking him to the doctor for the ultimate indignity - a whinny exam.

Gluten-free baking has not been going well without eggs. Oh my gosh the crap I have turned out. It is like the early days when we first went gluten-free. After two years I got quite good at it and then the damn eggs had to go.

I made some popovers using flax seeds to replace the eggs and they looked like smashed toads, all speckly on the outside and slimy in the middle. Back to the drawing board for me.

If it can be done, I will find a way.