Friday's Fourteen

1. I don't want to know how things work. I just want them to work.

2. This drives my husband crazy.

3. I love to eat peanuts out of the shell.

4. I don't care for pre-shelled peanuts.

5. I tried eggplant for the first time in the last year.

6. I really like it.

7. I am eating tofu again and occasionally drinking soy milk.

8. I keep my epi-pen handy.

9. My house is actually pretty clean today.

10. I'm afraid my husband will turn around and walk out the door, because he'll think he's at the wrong address.

11. I wish these last two puppies would sell.

12. I'm afraid I'll never get the smell of dog out of my front bathroom.

13. I once went to manicuring school.

14. I am ashamed of the current condition of my fingernails.

It Ain't Easy Being Cheesy

Some weekends ago, my daughter, A, was invited to a Chuck E Cheese birthday party.

Ugh.

My husband and I both hate going in crowded public places. Yes, you can safely assume that my kids miss out on lots of things because I HATE crowds. But she wanted to go to the party, so I took her.

My husband got the unenviable task of staying home with the boy child. I took both my daughters to the party. My oldest daughter wanted me to buy her some pizza. She didn't actually attend the party.

It was in Sacramento. I went to mapquest and printed out directions. May I add here that mapquest sucks? I hope so, because I did.

We had to take an exit off the highway, drive up a few miles, then turn left and u-turn immediately into the parking lot.

Only I u-turned and there was no damn Chuck E Cheese. We were actually quite far from where we needed to be.

No problem. We were on the correct street. I merely needed to drive to the correct address. Ha ha ha.

We drove and drove. Suddenly we were at a freeway and we HAD to get in. At this point, I told my daughter we would probably miss the party. (I was under the impression it was a 45 minute party.)

She began sobbing. I saw an exit ahead for the street we needed to be on. We could go west or east. I chose west.

It soon became apparent I should have gone east. We landed in a neighborhood where I wouldn't want to go out after dark or during the daylight for that matter.

I flipped a u-turn and floored it. There was a pigeon in the road. He wasn't expecting me to be driving quite the speed I was. I couldn't stop. He flew up too late and managed to smash into the driver's side mirror.

Now we had killed a pigeon, we were lost and the mirror was hanging by a few wires. As I began rolling down the window to pull the mirror off, it flew away, into the middle of thick traffic.

"A" was crying and said, "This is the worst day of my life."

My older daughter said that she thought that the pigeon had a bit worse day.

Finally we found Chuck E Cheese. We were about 25 minutes late. It took another few minutes to find parking.

When we got inside, there was A LINE. There was a line to get into the pizza place from hell. It looked like a damn L.A. nightclub, complete with a guy at the front of the line who looked like a bouncer.

Since we were some of the beautiful people invited to a party, we got to go right in.

Do you ever feel like you died and went to hell? Yep, that's where we were.

It was crowded and noisy. Every surface was covered with a shrieking child. Shudder.

The party was actually and hour and a half long. My daughter had a great time.

When it was time to trade in the tickets for cheap plastic shit toys, I saw the line and said no.

She was smart enough not to protest.

Chuck E. Cheeses, where adults can go insane.

It's Contagious

I caught the new meme going around. Aachoo!



Five things I wish were in my freezer:

Ian's brand gluten/casein free chicken nuggets.

Fully cooked dinners for the next week.

My former MIL's strawberry freezer jam.

Stir-fry vegetables, the good ones that Costco used to sell but doesn't anymore.

My brother-in-law's body.


Five things that shouldn't be in my wardrobe:

Those really cute shoes I purchased but never wore because they have a small heel.

All those sweat pants I like to schlep around in.

The thousands of pair of different colored socks.

That wrap dress I still haven't worn because the material is ugly. Why did I buy that?

The underwear that have become too big and now pull up to my armpits.


Five things I hate about my car:

The a/c took a crap this weekend.

Only two doors.

The speaker in the back right that makes ungodly, ugly noises and needs to be extracted with a sledgehammer if necessary.

No floor space.

No machine gun mounted on the front to take care of those pesky people who cut me off.


Five things I should throw out of my handbag/purse/briefcase/backpack:

All the receipts

The baggy of Fruity Pebbles.

The book I'm done reading.

My husband's pliers.

Whatever treasures my children have given me to hold on to. This usually consists of acorns, rocks or toys.

Five things I don't want to admit are in my bathroom:

Those overnight pads that are so long, they tuck under your chin and wrap around to the back of your head.

Expired medicines, way expired.

Those hair rollers from the 80's.

That curling iron that burned a hole in the back of my hair. Not sure why I haven't thrown it out.

Pre-natal vitamins that are about eight years old. I don't think I'll be taking those ever again.

What's Up With Blogger

The kids are being quiet.

I can finally read everybody else's blogs and blogger won't let me comment or at least I seem to have a one comment limit per blog.

Maybe blogger is telling me I am too verbiose.

A Moral Dillenema

My son has a small toilet seat that is just his size. Before he uses the bathroom, we put it inside the big toilet seat. That way he won't fall in.

So let's assume he put said toilet seat on his head and it got stuck.

Then let's assume I helped him get it off.

And then assume he put it RIGHT BACK ON.

Would it be horribly unethical of me to laugh and take pictures before I helped him get it off again?

Just wondering.

A Loss

It is with great sadness that I announce the removal of Boots' favorite pair of fuzzy dice.

He was finding the return of Mandy's girlish figure extremely attractive so we had no time to waste.

He went to the vet on Tuesday, where they removed his most prized possession, or would that be possessions?

I went to pick him up Tuesday night. He looked shell shocked. He was shaking and staring out of crazy eyes.

Due to the fact that, for some reason, he swelled up like Michael Jackson playing with little boys, he was kept for an extra night.

He still wasn't ready Wednesday morning. I was able to pick him up Wednesday afternoon. Good golly Miss Molly, my dog has elephantitis of the dick.

He is also wearing one of those cone-shaped plastic collars on his head. SJ called him a flower. I guess he IS kind of feminine now.

To add insult to injury, Mandy is avoiding him.

Boots has informed me that he will be filming a documentary of his ordeal titled "Dude, Where's My Nutsack?"

And They Wonder Why I'm Always Shrieking

My oldest daughter wanted to buy lunch at school today instead of packing. I knew my youngest did too, as it was chicken nugget day at her school.

Since I had no cash, I went to the ATM. I needed to break the twenty so I parked in front of the nearest coffee house. There wasn't one customer inside so I knew it would be speedy.

I told my oldest to go inside and get herself a cup of coffee. She wanted flavored. I told her there would be metal carafes of coffee and to pick whatever flavor they had ALREADY MADE UP. Then she could grab cream and sugar and we could go.

So I waited and waited and waited some more. She comes out with a MOCHA! She says, "I didn't know they had to make those up special."

Duh, duh and double duh.

I am trying very hard not to be irritated so much with the kids, but it's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
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My oldest daughter is a very talented singer. She has been asked by her high school choir teacher to audition for honor choir at a local college.

My son has been able to carry a tune for as long as I can remember.

My youngest daughter is great at art...She joined choir. :P

When she sings, she seems to be channeling Alfalfa from the Little Rascals.
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It is probably obvious that I am blogging less and less. I am trying to blog at least once or twice a week but it's hard to find the time.

I may have to give it up. I hope not.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Missed Connection

Our internet connection is up and then it's down. Then it's up and then it's down. A jack in the box on Viagra couldn't keep up.

I will make this post brief while it's up.
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I purchased a clock at Big Lots about four months ago. It's a round, battery-operated clock.

Even with a new battery, it has never kept the right time. I put it in a box on my nightstand, because throwing it away goes against my personal value system. After all, if I didn't have to stumble all over the clutter in my house, how would I ever live?

Last Wednesday night, out of the blue, the alarm went off. I woke up, punched some buttons in the dark to turn it off, then set it on the dresser.

Later, it went off again. This time I took it in the bathroom, turned on the light and pried open the back, removing the battery.

When my daughter got up on Thursday morning, the puppies had knocked down the gate, escaped the bathroom and pooped all over my area rug.

I spent the first 20 minutes of my day on my knees, scrubbing the rug.

I believe the clock was trying to warn me to get up and check the house.

Can you see the moral here?

The moral is "Wake me up in the middle of the night and I WILL disembowel you.
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Another thing that happened last week occured as I was driving my youngest daughter to school.

Somebody was backing down their driveway rapidly. I didn't think they were going to stop for me and I said, "Whoa there."

My daughter said, "Get a driver's license, dude."

From the mouths of babes...
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I had more stuff to post this week, but now I've gone and forgotten it.