March-ing On

Technically it will be March by the time everybody reads this.

While I was sick last week, I fantasized about the treatment I got from my mother when I was a sick kid. She made me toast with peanut butter and jelly and my favorite foods. In fact, she took such great care of me when I was sick, it is a mystery to me why I didn't inherit her "taking care of sick kids" gene.

A light bulb came on over my head. We don't need spas to pamper people when they are well. We need spas to pamper people when they are sick!

Imagine a set up with an adjustable bed, a private bathroom, and a "mom" at your beck and call. There would be a TV across from the bed with full cable hook-ups and a pile of all the recent best-sellling novels on a table next to the bed.

The bathroom would have an enormous bathtub, big enough for three people. (That way, I could fit in it!)

All you would have to do is lay in bed all day. Your "mom" would bring you your medicine on time, check your temp and procure all requested foods you crave, no matter how loony they sound.

The "mom" would cover you with blankets when you were cold and turn on a fan when you were hot. Maybe she could even say a few times sympathetically, "Oh you poor thing."

If you ended up needing a doctor, one would come to your bedside.

While you were recuperating, a professional nanny would entertain your children during the day. They could be in a bedroom next to you at night, within earshot, in case they woke up.

If they did wake up, your "mom" could go in and soothe them.

Boy, would that be an expensive spa experience. Probably this is how rich people do it when they get sick anyway. The rest of us have to deal with kids, sleepless nights, and an Everest-sized pile of laundry.
********************
The birthday boy fell asleep tonight at five again. He missed his dinner and his cake. We didn't cut the cake, but we did eat dinner. I made SJ a plate to heat later.

We had chicken nuggets, coconut rice and corn. The coconut rice is from a recipe Bearette gave me. My husband loves it. He had thirds.
********************
I believe my digital camera has died. It was a good camera and we shall give it a proper burial.

It is time to go plop my rump down on the couch for the evening. Thank goodness.

Happy Birthday SJ

My little man turns three today. Where does the time go?

He woke up at two this morning because he needed a diaper change.

He had fallen asleep before dinner so I made him some french toast with his special bread and some vanilla almond milk.

After he ate, we sat on the couch. I held him close while the wind blew outside.

His head was on my chest. I had one leg curled up and his little foot was playing with mine. I relished the way his warm little body felt snuggled next to me.

It was as close to heaven as a person can come.

I know he has a hard road ahead and I worry about that but, to me, he is absolutely perfect.

Today I Am Going To Make The Pot Sing

I stole the title quote from one of my cookbooks. It's a saying for when you are going to make soup.

Since it is a rainy day, and since it sounded good, I have a lovely chicken soup on the burner. Well, at the moment, it is only a chicken, some onions, salt and a few peppercorns. But tonight it will be the perfect dinner for a rainy day.

The best part of a whole chicken is how cheap it is. Since I am too lame to cut one up myself without major injury, I either bake them or put them in soup.

As many of you mentioned, Girl Scout cookies are indeed out. They were being sold in front of the grocery store. We showed great restraint and only purchased three boxes.

We now have Thin Mints, Tagalongs and Cafe Cafes. The Cafe ones taste rather like gingerbread and you are supposed to dip them in your coffee.

The weather was beautiful out this morning. There was a lovely breeze blowing that felt like spring. I took the little ones to the park and we stayed about an hour. By the time we left, the breeze was more of a wind.

We came home, ate lunch and then went shopping. I purchased batteries for my digital camera which looked like the correct kind. I hope they are.

We looked at the fish tanks and "A" was appalled when she saw some live fish eating a dead one. I told her that's what fish do.

It's not like people invented sushi. Well, okay they invented the rice and seaweed wrap.

I wanted to buy a book at the store but SJ was not in the mood for browsing. He kept trying to escape the cart. We have a used bookseller in town where I would LOVE to go browse. Unfortunately, he is like most of the small business in town. They roll up the sidewalks on Sundays and at five o' clock on weekdays. I can't blame them. It says that they value family over profits and that's not a bad attitude at all.

Supposedly, there will be snow below eight hundred feet on Thursday. But I've heard that one before so we won't get too excited. Yeah, yeah I know it's awful to drive in. But when I was a kid, growing up in Maine, it was hecka fun to play in.

SJ is "playing" his guitar. He doesn't run up and just pound it like the average kid. I remember when I was a kid. I did that and I thought I sounded great. My tone deaf ear couldn't tell that I sounded NOTHING like the music I was listening to.

SJ,on the other hand, very thoughtfully strums it, trying to make it sound right to him. He gets frustrated because it doesn't sound the same as the songs he wants it to sound like.

Maybe I'm raising a band geek. We shall see. They never turn out anything like you expect them to, do they?

The Message

This is the message I left on the phone machine. It is too long and I need to change it today. It was fun making it though.

Hello. You have reached 555-5555. Please listen CAREFULLY before leaving a message. My family has the stomach flu. Chances are, my husband and I are either-

Cleaning up vomit
Changing a diaper
Comforting a Sick Child

Or

Desperately trying to get some much needed rest as I am sick also. One message is PLENTY.

We will call you back when we feel human. Today isn't looking good. Tomorrow doesn't look good either.

Now remember, have a great weekend. Bye.
********************
I don't know if she called. We did have two or three hang-ups. One of my husband's friends had to sit through the message twice, which I'm sure he found annoying.

I felt crappy again yesterday but seem to be on the mend today. Both the little ones are fine as is Jennifer.

It is time to get them out of the house. We are all going stir crazy and getting crabby.

Everybody have a greeeeeeaaaaat Sunday.

Two's Company - Three's A Crowd - Four With The Puke Flu Should NOT Be Allowed

My six-year old came down with the puke flu on Monday. My two-year old came down with it Tuesday. I got it Wednesday night. Finally, today, nobody else in the family was feeling funny so I thought we were done.

But then...my fifteen-year old came down with it today. I picked her up from school and, for once, my slobby ways paid off. There was a bag in my van that she grabbed to hurl in. And there were towels in my van to put under the bag to keep it from leaking. Thank goodness for small favors.

This house is dangerous to live in right now. Most people would pick a hunting trip with Cheney over visiting here, if they knew what was good for them.
********************
Since SJ is turning three, the department of education will be taking over with his speech and occupational therapy. I am sad.

Pride and Joy, the agency that has been working with him, was excellent. I especially loved his speech therapist, Tish, as did he.

It kind of made me laugh the way he said her name too, "Tit!"

While it will be great to have him in pre-school a few hours a day, I would gladly give it up for another year with Tish.
********************
My stomach is still feeling kind of hinky and I don't have much to say. It's time to visit everyone else's blogs where I always have something to say.

And Then There Were Two

We interrupt this broadcast to inform you that the normally scheduled blogging may be sporadic. SJ is puking too.

Ah, another day of r & r for me.

Fruit Salad, Yummy Yummy

SJ loves the Wiggles. The videos I got are mostly music without the skits that the show usually involves. Since his attention span is short, this is a bonus.

I decided to dance with the Wiggles yesterday while he watched them so I could get some exercise. Not only am I sadly out of shape, but I am too darn clumsy to do Wiggle's dance moves.

That is just sad.
********************
Miss "A" is still sick. I have a quandary. My husband may take tomorrow off, but he has an 8:45 doctor appointment.

I had RSVP'd to take SJ to a forty-five minute kindermusic class and I REALLY want to take him. But it starts at ten.

If my husband gets to see the doctor by nine and is out by nine-thirty, I can make the class. But if he doesn't get out in time, I can't make the class.

There is a waiting list for the class. Do I give someone my spot tonight or do I hope I can make it? I don't want to be selfish, but I know this is something SJ would enjoy immensely.

Last week would have been an okay week for her to get sick. This week, I am booked solid.
*********************
SJ keeps pooping and then pulling his diaper off down his legs. He says the word, "poopy", but by then it is too late for me to catch him. It is already smeared down his legs and all around him.

I am so tired of this. Can't he let me know before he gets it everywhere? Or even better, can't he SIT ON THE TOILET and go?

I'm so tired of poop!
********************
Well hasn't this been a whine fest?

For tonight's gross fact, I will list fourteen different ways to say "vomiting."

1. Upchucking
2. Hurling
3. Barfing
4. Worshipping the porcelain god
5. Blowing chunks
6. Buying the Buick
7. Spewing
8. Doing the Technicolor Yawn
9. Puking
10. Heaving
11. Ralphing
12. Driving the porcelain bus
13. Tossing your cookies
14. Running the stew-master

Cheers!

Drink Me

Reader's Digest had a blurb about some of the latest trendy fruits. One of these fruits was called a noni. It is being marketed in juice form. Everybody line up to buy some Puna Noni Juice. I wonder if it is best served warm.
********************
Little Miss "A" started vomiting about an hour ago. Dare I mention I ate her leftover lunch today?

She ran in the bathroom and hurled everywhere but the toilet.

I hate cleaning vomit. Cleaning poop, I can handle, but cleaning vomit makes me want to, well, vomit. I don't know if I'm queasy because I had to clean it up or because I'm coming down with some good old-fashioned cookie-tossing virus. We shall see.

This is one of those weeks where my calendar is booked solid too. Goodie!
********************
When I picked my husband up from his endoscopy last week, he was extremely drugged. I drove him home and he didn't complain about my driving ONCE. When I waited a little long to make that left turn, just to be safe, he said NOTHING.

He told me afterward that he didn't even remember the ride home.

Finally, ladies, a cure for the male backseat driver. Just shoot him up first.

Or you can handcuff him and duct tape his mouth, whichever sounds like more fun to you.
********************
Per Bearette's suggestion, I ordered a Jeanne Lemlin cookbook. Now that I know almond milk makes an excellent white sauce, I can start cooking a little lighter again.

Eating veggie two to three nights a week will not kill us.
********************
My husband and I went to Round Table on Saturday. We split a pizza. He had pepperoni. I had vegetarian.

We both had some beer.

It was a medium pizza and we finished the whole thing. Oh, wheaty crust and yummy cheese, I'd do it again.
*******************
Dinner is done and I'm too queasy to post a gross fact.

Ta ta for now.

A Visit From The In-Laws

My husband's parents came to visit this weekend. We celebrated my and SJ's birthdays together. SJ's is on the 28th, so he will have a small cake and a few gifts then.

SJ picked out what will be his last non-gfcf birthday cake ever. It had Blue's Clues on it. He picked it out because it had a clock on it.

He now says "cock" for clock. When we picked up the cake, he was sitting in the cart yelling, "Big cock, big cock!"

It will be nice when he can squeeze the letter "L" in there.

My husband didn't think he could see a difference in his behavior after letting him have the cake. I thought I could see a noticeable difference.

He seemed less focused to me. Back on his diet he shall go and he is staying there this time.
********************
My Verizon contract expired in December. I called them to make sure they turned off my account.

Recently, they sent me a refund check and a bill for zero dollars and zero cents. Will I be getting bills for zero dollars and zero cents every month until the day I die?

"Verizon, we never stop working for you."
********************
There was an article in the business section today on home staging. This is where you de-personalize your home as much as possible in order to sell it.

You take down personal photos and remove your knick-knacks. You paint the walls neutral colors. The idea is to get the seller to picture themselves in the house.

I had a friend once who had her home staged to sell it. The stager had placed a fake pitcher of orange juice on the breakfast bar.

My friend had a birthday party for her daughter and there was food laid out and also drinks. Well, I thought the orange juice was one of the drinks and tried to pour some from the pitcher. Yeesh.

How intelligent I must have looked.

I'm the person you take to the party when you're worried about how you will look. It is a guarantee that I will deflect attention from you, because I will always make at least one faux pas.

Is it any wonder I am an introvert?
********************
My "Oh Yuck Encyclopedia" popped up. Whoopee!

Today's gross fact is about Australian Social Spiders.

When Australian Social Spiders are born, the mother becomes their food. The babies suck her blood until she is so weak she can't move. Then they barf all over her, turn her into mush and finish eating her.

I told you babies morph into teens!

Modern Customer Service

We have one local drugstore here in Stupid Town where I fill my prescriptions. So does the other 99.9% of the population. Every time I pick up a prescription, they are all in line in front of me.

My oldest daughter takes Zoloft. Why? Because she is stuck with me for a mother, that's why.

Anyway, this is a medication she is not supposed to skip.

Last Friday, I went to Dong's Long's Drug and told them she needed a refill. She had zero refills which means they needed to fax the doctor. This usually takes a few extra days so I assumed that her pills would be ready on Tuesday, at the latest.

Last night, (Thursday) I went back to pick it up, as she was now out of pills. I thought after seven days, her pills surely would be ready. That's what I get for thinking.

"The doctor's office hasn't faxed us back yet," said the lovely girl with the flat ass and pierced lip, who was behind the counter.

Dollars to donuts, the jerks didn't even fax the doctor's office.

I called the doctor's office this morning. They deduced that her chart is in their other office. We see a pediatric group with two offices. One is here in Stupid Town. The other one is about ten miles down the road in Snob Town. But still, it's all the same company.

The Stupid Town office transferred me to the Snob Town office.

"We don't have it here," said the girl. "It was probably faxed to the other office. Can you call the drugstore and tell them to fax it here?"

So I called the drugstore. All of this was taking place as I drove down the road talking on the cell phone, which I hate to do. My battery was also dying.

The drugstore clerk was not the brightest fellow in the world. After five minutes of excruciating slowness, he said, "We don't have the fax number to the Snob Town office. Can you call us back and give it to us?"

Sure - NO FREAKING PROBLEM!

After I arrived at SJ's occupational therapy, I called my pediatrician back and asked for the fax number.

Then I called the pharmacy back and gave it to them.

I will have to call the pediatrician one more time today, at least, to see if they approved it.

Customer Service is not only dead, it is cremated, buried six feet under and chances of reincarnation are non-existent.

Aaaargh!

So Happy It's Thursday

The cable installer is coming sometime today between eight and noon. So I will sit and wait. I should be cleaning the house so he doesn't know what pigs we are. Ah, forget about it.
********************
Perhaps yesterday's post should have been called, "It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To."
********************
I made some gfcf cornbread today for SJ's breakfast and topped it with strawberry jam. Everything I bake with rice flour is just okay. It's never wonderful or even half as good as with wheat flour. Eventually I will get used to it, I hope.
********************
For my birthday, I got a Borders gift certificate and an Amazon gift certificate.

SJ and I also went shopping yesterday with the birthday cash my Mom gave us. His birthday is the 28th. He picked out an SSR "come back" car and a pretend cordless drill. I picked him out a Fisher Price airplane and some Wiggles DVD's. I hope he will enjoy the Wiggles.
********************
We had some interesting local crime. A man who sells storage buildings and metal garages arrived at his business to find a whole two-car garage missing. The thieves dismantled the whole thing, about a five and a half hour job.

So they are willing to work for five and a half hours, just not at anything legitimate.
********************
If I can think of anything less boring to say, I will post later.

Happy Birthday To Me

Good morning. Today is my 37th birthday. I thought it was my 38th but my Mom corrected me.

Last week I dreamed that my husband asked me for a divorce on my birthday. In the dream, I told my MIL, "He didn't even wish me Happy Birthday!"

My husband and I laughed about this dream.

Well, it came partly true. He didn't ask for a divorce. However, it is impossible to wish somebody a Happy Birthday if you have been giving them the silent treatment since the morning before.

Anybody that isn't pissed at me can wish me Happy Birthday. Oh, and send presents, lots of 'em. Please.
********************
Dr. Phil says that married couples fight about three things. They are money, in-laws and parenting. I'm not telling which one.

In totally unrelated matters, my teen daughter morphed into hellion child this weekend. She got mouthy and got grounded.

Then she locked us out of her bedroom and lost her bedroom door. She was supposed to clean the kitchen and she wouldn't get out of bed.

After being threatened with me lifting her physically from her bed, she got up, only to stand in the kitchen, arms folded, and glare at the counter.

Then she laid on the kitchen floor.

Those of you with small kids who are laughing, your day will come.

Those of you who have raised your kids and gotten them out of the house, continue to feel smug.

Those of you who haven't had children, remember that cute little baby morphs into a teen eventually.
********************
It occurs to me that I haven't posted a gross fact in a few days. I can't find my book so I will just write what I learned about colonoscopies recently.

I read this on the internet so if it's wrong, sue Al Gore.

If you are having a colonoscopy, you must stay on a liquid diet for 4-5 days beforehand. Before the procedure, you may receive one or two small enemas.

Then (according to my husband who got to hear it) after the procedure, the nurses instruct you to push the gas out. Apparently, the procedure fills you with air. Fun stuff, huh?

No wonder people die of colon cancer. They want to postpone the joys of having their ass examined so thoroughly. How many people past the age of fifty does anyone know who has had this like they are supposed to? I don't know any.

Katie Couric doesn't count unless you know her personally.

Happy Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day and venereal disease have the same initials. Why is that?
********************
My hair was finally shorn this weekend. I walked into one of those quick cut places and there was no wait, shocking in itself.

I told the man who was cutting my hair to do what he wanted but to leave the length, please.

This is my way of trying to keep them from cutting it too short.

You see, the hairdressers never cut it the way you want it.

Back in my teen years, I made the mistake of actually grabbing the books they keep in the front. You know the ones. They have pictures of beautiful hair cuts in them.

So you pick a hair cut and say, "This is the one I want."

The hairdresser says, "Okay", while secretly thinking, "This is impossible for me to do and I'm going to scalp you for asking in the first place."

Then they get sweet revenge by giving you the Bruce Willis look.

I learned early in life to never ask for a picture from the book. It just pisses them off.

My next ploy was to describe to them how I wanted it cut. "Long layers, please," I would say.

Short layers was what they heard. Half the time, they were short, crooked layers.

So I thought, silly me, that maybe if I said, "Keep the length, but do what you like," the hairdresser would be so flattered, that he would keep the lenghth.

Mwahahahahahahaah

He did what he wanted, just like they always do. It is a nice cut. It would look great on a girl with a little, tiny, pretty face. I'm not that girl.

Sigh.

Thank goodness it grows.

Sick Hubby At Home

My hubby had an endoscopy today so we are cuddling on the couch.

I hand-dipped some chocolates for SJ today. The recipe is on my other blog. (www.gfcfdiet.blogspot.com)

I will be able to post tomorrow.

Hopefully, everyone had a good Monday, if there is such a thing.

Someone Pass The Damn Milk

I want a glass of milk, not almond milk, not rice milk, but milk from a real freaking cow. I might have to kill somebody if this feeling doesn't pass soon.
********************
I've blogged before about razors and the price of blades. (Ouch) First there was one blade, then two blades, then three, then four. When would the insanity stop? Now there is a five blade razor, count them five! AAAAAAND...it has a battery, so the handle will vibrate.

Perhaps this is to encourage the ladies to shave their nether regions!

My husband said if the blade count gets any higher, people will start carrying lawn mowers around. He may have something there.
********************
Today I made waffles using tapioca and rice flour. It was more labor intensive than normal waffles. The egg whites had to be beaten until stiff, and then folded into the batter.

When it was time to grease the waffle iron, I couldn't use my butter-flavored Pam. I pulled out my spray-pump bottle of Canola oil that I purchased from Pampered Chef. I reccomend all products from Pampered Chef except this particular damn bottle.

It doesn't spray enough oil. Waffle number one was glued to the waffle maker. Small children were swarming around the kitchen and biting my ankles, as they were hungry NOW.

I was scraping the waffle bits out of the iron, stressing out and screeching. It was another quality Saturday morning in our household.

"A", my picky eater, ate her waffle. You could have lifted my jaw off the floor.

I always said when I grew up, that I would not force my kids to eat foods they didn't like.

"A" is the exception to this rule. She hates EVERYTHING. I can make something she liked the week before and she hates it.

I have resorted to forcing her to eat it anyway. I am not a short order cook, darn it.

Stress, it's what's for dinner.
********************
Da da da dum. Time for another gross fact.

Queen Isabella, the one who launched Christopher Columbus to the New World, only took two baths in her entire life.

Have you ever smelled the trash can during the summer when some past its prime chicken has been thrown in it? I bet she smelled worse than that.

What to Do - What to Do

My Mom gave me a check for my upcoming birthday to spend on myself and SJ. Now I am wavering on what to buy for myself.

We could use curtains in the living room. However, I am so used to being on display, that I boldly walk past the windows scratching my butt. I even chase my kids around in circles to beat them purely for the neighborhood's entertainment.

I can always use clothes but it is depressing to assume that I will be this size for the rest of my life.

Middle child "A" told me that her friends make fun of her in school because she can't make a basket. I thought about buying a free-standing hoop and playing basketball with her in the back yard. We don't have a lot of flat space though, and I'm wondering if this would end up being another toy taking up space, that nobody uses.

I could go stock up on rice flour as we are going through it VERY quickly. Boring.

I could invest it. Paypal has online savings accounts that offer decent interest.

I could invest it in Old Hoss's dung beetle farm.

Opinions, please?
********************
My son has decided I am done blogging for the day. Everybody have a great weekend.

It's All In The Preparation

"A" gets out of school every day at 2:05. Then she has tutoring until 3:30, at which time I pick her up.

This means, of course, that SJ's preferred napping time is from 1:30 to 4:30.

Houston, we have a problem.

I have tried to get him down at 12:30, but he isn't interested. I try to keep him up, but that doesn't work either.

Yesterday, he fell asleep at two. He had just exited the bath and was wearing nothing but a towel. He sat on my lap for two minutes and that was it.

I put him on the bed in his towel while I did some laundry. I wasn't sure how to approach getting him in the car.

If I woke him up to put a diaper on him, he was going to scream bloody murder for half an hour. If I just popped him in his car seat naked, he was going to be quite cold.

So I warmed a towel in the dryer and lined his car seat with it. While I was lining the car seat, I had a blanket heating in the dryer. I pulled it out just before I grabbed him then quickly transferred him to his seat. He was getting ready to yell until I wrapped the warm blanket around him.

Then his eyes closed. Phew. I felt so clever, well except for the fact that I was driving down the road with a naked child.

I didn't want to get pulled over and end up on the FBI's most wanted list for transferring nude children over county lines or something similar.

We didn't get pulled over, thank goodness. He did wake up when we got home but I only had to hold him for twenty minutes and the tantrum was averted.
********************
My throat is scratchy and getting worse. I am not allowed to get sick. My body had better listen to my brain. No getting sick. After this blog entry, I have a date with the Zicam.
********************
I linked three more blogs today. Html and I are not buddies or I would have done it sooner.

I linked up Ms. L. She is a home-schooler who still maintains a sense of humor and her sanity. She lives in British Columbia and, if you get lucky, she might post a recipe for you.

I also linked up Lisa. She is also a home-schooling mom with a sense of humor. If you read her profile, you will particularly enjoy her answer as to what kind of statue would represent her.

Last, but not least, I linked up Mary Poppins. She is the mother of a three-year old. She just started blogging at the end of January. I haven't seen anyone else posting at her sight which is too bad, because she's funny. If you go over and post, you can say you knew her before she got famous.

The phone rang twice while I was laboriously typing out all this html. One of the calls was friend "S". Her calls are getting closer and closer together. I feel like a coyote stuck in a trap. I want to chew off my freaking leg to escape the pain.
********************
I was really torn on today's gross fact. Would I do bugs or poop? Poop won!

This is from page 177 of my "Oh Yuck" book.

This portion referred to the Middle Ages.

"You know those moats that circled the castles? There's another reason the`y kept invading armies out. Yup, you guessed it. They doubled as a giant toilet.

Those were dark times, the Dark Ages. For those 900 or so years in Europe, people pooped and peed in pots kept near their beds, called CHAMBER POTS. When they were filled to the rim, some lucky person would walk over to the window, and shout "gardez l'eau!" (garday low), which means "watch out for the water." The French, being polite, invented the expression, but the English picked it up and mispronounced it as "gardy loo." (To this day a toilet is called a "loo" in England.) The only problem with this polite warning is that it was shouted out at approximately the same second the pot's contents were landing in the street. You had to walk fast and carry a big umbrella in those days."

I would have had so much fun emptying those chamber pots. "Look ou....Oh sorry!" Snicker.

Cleaning A's Dungeon

It was impossible to walk across A's floor so I cleaned her and SJ's dungeon today while she was at school. It was at the point where I was doing the toy shuffle. You all know that one. You realize that you are stepping on something hard and plastic. If you continue putting your weight down, you might break it and/or drive pointed shards of plastic in your feet.

So you try to slide your foot off the toy and you kind of slip, and hopefully you don't fall on your ass, thus inserting the plastic shards in that particular body part. (run-on sentence, yeah!)

Does anybody remember the Seinfeld episode with ("It was a one in a million chance, doc!")?

I am particularly tired of picking up Legos and her Tinkertoyosauras. She knows where it goes, but can't be bothered. Making a mess is much more fun than picking up. Everybody knows that.

While I was cleaning her room, Mandy jumped on her bed and got comfortable. I didn't want Mandy on the bed so I told her to get off.

She burrowed in deeper like the stubborn little beast that she is.

She also assumed her "pose". I hate the pose. It is the, "You are screwed no matter how you do this, because I am going to pee all over the place," pose.

I very gently said, "Mandy get off the bed."

I tip toed up to her. It's like approaching a bomb that is about to go off. You very gently approach it with bated breath trying carefully not to set it off.

"No, Lenny, I said the red wire. The red wire! NOOOOOOO!"

That's right. I didn't tip toe gently enough or I looked at her cross-eyed or I breathed too loudly or something.

One squirting dog + one mattress pad + one recently changed set of sheets + one quilt = THREE FREAKING LOADS OF LAUNDRY!

Stinking damn dog.

My husband said it should have been four loads - the first load consisting of dog only.
********************
I have tried three new gluten-free, casein-free recipes this week.

The chocolate cake was too dry, but edible.
The pancakes looked like crepes, but were delicious.
The chicken fingers tonight were slightly odd.

The worse thing is that I had recently decided to go mostly vegetarian. Only, most people with dairy issues have soy issues. All those delcious main dishes with tofu in them...out the window they went.

But I still haven't given up. I'm sure I can modify some of them to fit our needs.
********************
Remember the church I mentioned that puts up the weekly signs?

Well, last week they put up something about God's game plan. Somebody vandalized the sign and made it God's gae plan.

This week's sign reads, "Thou is responsible for thy own attitude."

Don't mess with the sign, man.
********************
Here is the gross fact for the day, once again verbatim.

"Scientists at the University of Tokyo plucked the wings off of a bunch of roaches, inserted little electrodes in their antennae, and stuck on tiny backpacks full of electric circuits and batteries. They discovered that they could then steer the bugs like a car. Hang a left. Turn right. Stop. Go. The point? They hope to use roaches in rescue work, such as in collapsed buildings, by mounting tiny cameras on their backs."

This year, my son got an electronic car for Christmas. Next year, he is so getting a roach.

Title Goes Here

My old high-school chum "S" called again today. She had called and left a message Sunday and Monday and today. One message isn't enough for her. She has to call and annoy the crap out of me until I call her back.

Then she talks at least an hour with me about absolutely nothing of importance. Today the phone call was at least an hour and twenty minutes.

If I talk to her just one hour, once a week, that is 48 hours a year wasted. This is time I could better spend trimming my nose hairs or cleaning the gunk out from under my toe nails.

I don't dislike her, but thirty minutes once a month is more than enough time to spend talking with her, as all our phone conversations have a sameness about them.
********************
My fifteen-year old daughter took the English portion of the high school exit exam today. One of the questions was:

The tree branch ________________.
a. break
b. broked
c. broke
d. breaked

Only in California...
********************
SJ was watching the Teletubbies today and he laughed. Nobody was watching it with him telling him when to laugh. He did it all on his own.

I made him a chocolate cake with rice flour and he ate a huge piece. He hasn't once acted deprived or unhappy with his diet.

I am probably gaining weight on the diet and need to start counting calories. If Americans get much fatter, they are going to push the Earth out of orbit.
********************
There was a sign near the high school today. It was a help wanted advertisement for sign twirlers.

You've all seen those right? It's the person advertising the new housing complex or car wash, standing on the corner and twirling a sign.

The ad stated, "Easy work. Pay starts at nine dollars an hour."

Easy work, bwahahahahahahaha. I would last like ten minutes before that sign started burning my arms. At nine dollars an hour, what would I make for ten minutes of work anyway? I'll have one of those high schoolers who manages to pass the math portion of the high school exit exam figure it out for me. Snort.
*********************
I need a haircut BADLY and have needed it since at least October. Soon, crazed hairdressers will be chasing me down the street with their scissors snapping together.
*********************
The gross fact for the day is now coming. I am typing this verbatim from my "Oh Yuck Encyclopedia".

"Today, orangutans are found only in the lowland jungles of Borneo and north Sumatra. But once, when they were more far-flung, their lips were considered a delicacy in Vietnam."

Hey, remember Clyde in "Every Which Way But Loose"? Didn't Clint Eastwood send him to a nice sanctuary in Vietnam? Just kidding.

Blogger, Heal Thyself

I got on to post at seven-thirty tonight, or rather I tried to get on. Down again. Blogger - hire some new engineers.

Since Old Hoss is so fond of dung beetles, I decided to post some dung beetle facts.

Some dung beetles are picky eaters. That's right. They will only feast on the poop of one kind of animal.

"Young man, you are not getting up from this table until you finish your elephant dung!"

"But Mom, you know I only like antelope poopies!"

The dung beetle's society revolves around poop. Lovers present each other with balls of it during courtshit. The mating ritual involves a male and female rolling a ball of dung together. Maybe instead of pushing the bride's face into a wedding cake, the groom just smashes it into some dung. YUMMY!

The source of this fine information is the "Oh Yuck, Encyclopedia of Everything Nasty". My six-year old got this for Christmas. Guess who is getting the most enjoyment out of it?
********************
Does anybody remeber my posts about my annoying friend "S"? She now calls at least once a week to chat about absolutely nothing for at least an hour at a time.

I will be so glad when she gets off disability and goes back to work - for her and me.
********************
SJ was on day two of his diet today. My husband wants me to take him to the doctor to see if he is allergic to dairy and gluten.

He has a three year- shot appointment coming up. Maybe it could be a tiny bit early.

I do have to say one thing. He didn't flap his arms once ALL DAY LONG!

My husband was irked about the fact that I am trying to get him to give up dairy also. He tried it for today only. If he doesn't feel better tomorrow, he is going back to butter and everything else that he was craving today.

He is getting a scope down his throat in a few weeks. If they don't find anything, I hope that we can get the doctor to refer him to an allergist.
********************
For anybody that wants to watch the trailer for "Brokeback to the Future" go to www.youtube.com. This is a nifty little website where people send in their movie creations.

Toodles!

Too Tired For Title

My husband gave the computer up to me and I'm too tired to blog. :D

Not much is forthcoming from my fuzzy brain.

We did go to see "Nanny McPhee" today. I thought it was cute and really enjoyed it. There was a baby in the movie that was so sweet, I can guarantee every woman in there was thinking, "I want another baby." That baby was cute enough to make you forget that eventually they all become teens. You could almost hear the ovaries firing up.

We went to the matinee. The tickets were only six dollars each. That wasn't too bad. Then the girls wanted a popcorn, a soda and a candy bar each. That was the quickest twenty-one dollars I ever spent.

To add insult to injury, I couldn't have any of it due to the gluten-free diet thing. That chocolate was looking savory.

We have made it through day one of this diet. Woo hoo!

Blogger Is Beginning To Piss Me Off

I accidentally made a blog that I don't want to keep and I CAN'T DELETE IT! "The engineers are working on the problem."

Has anybody else noticed that blogger has sucked out loud lately?

I guess you get what you pay for.

But that doesn't mean I can't be irritated!

Will This Post?

I am having blogger troubles and it seems some of you are also. This may not even post.

Today has been a lazy day. We did spice it up a bit for Boots though.

We took him to Petsmart and purchased a new harness, some treats and some balls. I could tell we didn't stay there long enough to suit him as he wanted to keep sniffing around. He was glad to get out of the house and to take a car ride.

My husband went dirt bike riding for the first time in probably ten years or longer. He needed to get out. He is in a much better mood now.

I also did some internet research today on the gluten-free, casein-free diet. The book "Special Diet For Special Kids" is on its way now. Amazon is quick on their shipping and it will probably be here by Friday.

The reason I researched this diet is thanks to a cereal called Weetabix. It's a delicious cereal that I purchased at Trader Joes; obviously the main ingredient is wheat.

On Friday morning, I fed it to my son because I wanted to give him a healthy breakfast. He went insane.

We had occupational and speech therapy that morning. He didn't concentrate on speech therapy. Then, during occupational therapy, he ran back and forth like a wild man. He knocked another kid down and generally bounced off the walls.

So much for the healthy breakfast!

While researching the diet and reading some of the symptoms of dairy allergies I started thinking of my husband's mysterious stomach ailments. Damned if they don't sound like dairy allergies down to the eczema on his legs.

So both my men are going dairy free. The little guy and I are going dairy and gluten free since I am still breastfeeding. I am not looking forward to this as it sounds like a pain in the butt. Of course, if it makes my son better, it is well worth it, no?

Does anybody have any experience with this diet they would like to share?

SJ also did something very disgusting Friday evening. He and his sister were in the tub and she yelled, "Mom, SJ pooped!"

Sure enough, he had. Since he hasn't done this since he was a baby, I hope it was the Weetabix.

Anyway, I was faced with a tub of disgusting poo water. How to clean it? Since I didn't have a poo catching net, I decided to drain the tub first. The cleaning involved lots of bleach but I'll spare the details. Ugh.

I was reading a Tommy Lee Jones article today. Can anybody guess who his college roommate was? I won't send a prize but if you guess right, you have the satisfaction of being right. Everybody loves being right, right?

Refreshing

Today "SJ" fell asleep on the couch watching Teletubbies. I hadn't hauled the Teletubbies out in forever. They used to be "A's" favorite and it seemed a good time to introduce my little guy to them. He loved them and has insisted on watching them all day long.

I will have to dig the talking Teletubby dolls out of the storage shed.
********************
I watched some boob tube myself today and noticed a commercial for a product called "RePHresh".

It is a product for when you have vaginal "itching, irritation and odor".

Okay, let's cut to the chase here. If your nether regions are itching or irritated, you head for the Monistat. This is a product for odor, plain and simple.

Because really, who wants their poonanny to smell like a poonanny? We want that area to be "fresh" and "flowery".

We don't want any of our body parts to smell like body parts! We have floral scented shampoos, deodorants, lotions, soaps, body washes, sprays, etc. Why should the poonanny be any different - especially the poonanny?

We want our houses to smell good also. So we buy Febreze.

Maybe Febreze can merge with RePHresh and make a double duty de-scenting product for house AND honey pot. They could call it "PHebreeze"!

Women could spray their couch, their curtains, their coochie and anything else they want to smell good.

I can see the commercial now. The husband comes home from work and says, "Gee honey, the house smells great. Did you PHebreeze it today?"

The wife gives him a coy look and says, "That's not all I PHebreezed!"

The husband gives a big grin and quickly shuts the door and then the commercial goes to the voice over.

"PHebreeze, it makes EVERYTHING smell good enough to eat."
********************
The parents visited this weekend and we watched "Flight Plan". I enjoyed the movie, but what is up with all the dark cinematography lately?

The directors seem to think that they need to make the point that the movie is dark by shooting it in dim lighting. I find it annoying to watch. It's distracting. I can get the point of the movie fine with regular lighting AND I can see what's going on too!

I pray that this is a phase and it will pass.
********************
Last night, SJ was watching American Idol with me.

One girl came on singing some notes that shouldn't even be allowed to emanate from a human.

Suddenly, SJ, did his best cat imitation. He went, "meow."

But the best was yet to come. After the girl got done screeching, Simon Cowell said, "I heard a cat once that got its tail caught under a rocking chair..."

SJ, my future Simon Cowell. It makes a mama proud.

Finally

Finally, I have a post for half-nekkid Thursday.

See, he's showing a bit of leg. Hubba hubba.

My poor guy is so thin.

For Ms.l

Ms.l requested a picture of Boots. I am posting one of Boots and one of Mandy. It's hard to get a good one of Mandy because she is generally squirming and trying not to pee herself when you look at her wrong.

No, we don't beat her. We are a loud, boisterous family with a quiet, shy dog. I hope she gets less nervous. I'm not sure that we are a good fit for her. Poor thing.

Shopping Day

We needed several things today at different stores. We needed dog food, toiletries and groceries.

We ran out of dog food last night so that was tops on the list. Boots followed me around the house, staring from his bug eyes as I got ready.

If he could have talked, he would have said, "Hello idiot! I'm hungry. Breakfast is late. How darn stupid are you?"

It's a good thing he can't talk, huh?

"SJ" and I went to the pet store and grabbed food. We came home. I put it in a bowl and put it outside on the patio. Then I let Boots outside.

He sniffed at the food and walked off. This - after following me around glaring all stinking morning.

"SJ" and I left again to run the rest of our errands. Toiletries were first on our list.

One of the main things on my list was laundry related. Due to the copious amounts of laundry around here, I often don't get to my wet towels before they smell mildewed.

I have tried a cup of ammonia in the wash with no success in removing the smell. I have used half a cup of baking soda with okay results. I have used Downy with Febreze with okay results. The only thing that really works is a liquid Febreze that you add to your laundry.

Good luck finding it! I have found it in Walmart exactly twice. They had it. Then they got rid of it. Then they had it again. Then they got rid of it.

Today we were at Target. I knew they wouldn't have the Febreze but once they did have some All sheets that went in the dryer. Those weren't too bad. But...they don't carry those anymore.

I may just bleach every one of my damn stinky towels and ruin the color of all of them. Why is it so damn hard to get rid of mildew smell? And why, when you find a product that works, is it discontinued?

I did find my Glad Press N Seal, which I am addicted to. Once you use it, you will never go back to Saran Wrap. Unfortunately, it never goes on sale. They know it's popular and they have you by the short and curlies.

After we spent the gross domestic product of a third world country, we went to Trader Joe's to buy some groceries.

"SJ" had a meltdown in the Target parking lot but I wrestled him in his car seat and drove across the street.

Trader Joes is a good place to buy some things but not everything. The minute we got in the store, "SJ" said, "I want cookie."

He was referring to some very messy cupcakes. There were cookies right next to them so we grabbed those instead, as I didn't want to be the lady pushing the frosting covered cart.

"SJ"'s tantrum ended as he filled his belly. He was only hungry. He never tells me when he's hungry due to the whole PDD thing. Then again, "I want cookie" is a pretty big clue. He just never tells me unless food is in his sight.

A little girl stared enviously at "SJ" enjoying his cookie so I asked her parents if she could have one. They looked unsure about the whole thing but they let her have it. I know it went against the whole "don't take candy from strangers" thing but you should have seen her hungry little eyes.

We finished in Trader Joe's and went home to have lunch.

The rest of the day went pretty typically.

I had to wake "SJ" up from his nap to pick up "A".

Then she had to go to taekwando.

Then I had to cook dinner and now I am helping her with her homework, which I hate. This probably earns me the bad mom award. I don't care. I hate helping with homework. I wish they could do it their own darn selves. See how completely suited I am for home-schooling!

My poor husband is waiting for the computer. I'm taking pity on him now. Toodles.